Behind Closed Doors (Lams)

~15~ Solitude for the happy.

A/N does anyone else think john fetishises gay people bro I know y'all see the way he loves men

TW: panic attack, unreliable narrator ??

"It feels like I'm wasting my time." John confessed, staring at the wall. Him and Alex were both in the living room. All comfortable, sprawled out on different couches. Alex had one of the dogs at his shoulder. "Like, seriously. I'm gonna be in debt for the rest of my life for a career I don't even want. How much was Benjamin's tuition?"

"Oh, God, you don't even want to know." He shook his head, picking up the dog and holding it at arms length, both hands, bringing it down to his face to kiss it on the forehead. The dog was placed safely to the ground. "It was way more than it should've been."

"It's so weird. I can see myself growing up. Well, sort of. Sometimes I can't. I'd like to think things have changed, though."

Alex gestured for him to keep talking.

"I mean, I can see myself getting married now. Living past twenty and all that shit. But I can't see myself with a job. Or being in college. I don't really want it. I don't like the fact that time moves and I just have to follow it."

And, of course, Alex had only focused on one thing. "You can see yourself getting married?"

"You can't?"

"Is that bad?"

"Can you seriously not see it at all?" John looked a little upset. Maybe pity. Or empathy. Or (and, god, perish the thought) his sadness simply because Alex was the one he wanted to marry.

"I might change my mind eventually. If I meet someone." He shrugged. "This isn't about me. I can't believe you see yourself getting married."

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"Depends who you're marrying, I guess." Alex winced. "Is there no job you want? Even an unrealistic one?"

"Not really. And no college courses interest me. Obviously I want a job, though. I want money and cool things." He laughed a little. "But I have nothing really going for me."

Alex hummed a little. "You don't think it'll come with time, though? I have no idea what I want to do either."

Honestly, he'd just be happy if he lived long enough to be able to choose a college course. Didn't matter which one. He was pretty easy to please.

"You'll find something. You're good at everything. It's annoying."

"I'm not."

"What are you not good at?"

Alex thought for a moment. There was a lot. "Talking to people?"

"You're talking to me."

He closed his mouth momentarily. "I'm not good at showing up to things on time?"

John nodded, catching the light-hearted tone. "And you're not very good at having handwriting that's actually readable."

"Also not very good at cooking. At all."

"Or sleeping like a normal person. You punched me in the eye the other day."

"I said I was sorry, John."

He couldn't help but laugh. "That doesn't stop the fact that it hurt."

Alex puffed out his cheeks in annoyance. "You'll forget about it next week."

"Probably tonight."

"Probably." He nodded, pressing on the cushioned seat with his hands. Leaning backwards. Hands over his eyes.