Lost and Found

Chapter 9

I don’t know why she had to drag me all the way out here to explain why she’s such a psycho for that asshole. My house was a perfectly fine place..still, I do deserve some answers, seeing as she roped me into this whole dumpster fire. Man, the sun is really bright here, you can feel the way the sunset bleeds over the ocean, I can’t help but be captivated for a moment. This place must mean something to her, why else would she bring me here? “So uh, when are you going to explain yourself? You force me to come here promising me answers, but you haven’t said anything since we started walking, what gives?” Her silence is putting me off, it’s like her whole demeanor has done a 180 since we left. Of course I can’t really be that surprised, her moods are always changing by the flip of a switch, almost like she’s..manic. -pause- She stopped walking, seriously she’s starting to freak me out. I should be ready to run if things get dangerous for me. “Emelia?”
“‘I love you Emelia.’”
-gasp- She speaks. Wait, fuck did she say?
 “‘I know this might sound lame but I’ve known you since we were kids and I’ve only ever loved you. Will you...be my girlfriend? I’m crazy about you. I will never hurt you, or make you cry.’”
What’s she saying? It sounds like she’s quoting something, but..from what? Whatever it is it’s cheesy as fuck. “Uh..what?” I chuckle nervously. “You okay-?”
She whipped towards me, grabbing my face & pulling it towards hers. It wasn’t a kiss. She had her fingers placed over my lips acting as a barrier, her lips were pressed on the back of her thumbs while her hands held my flushed cheeks. Anyone would be surprised being randomly stage kissed like that! The whole thing was less than 5 seconds, but it felt like eternity, at least to me. She let go as quickly as she had grabbed me, kinda pushing me back a bit then staring at the ground all quiet again. 
Of course now even  I’m at a loss for words at the moment. Sure, she didn’t actually kiss me but Jesus; getting that close unexpectedly makes me feel some type of way I swear to god. My heart feels like it’s going to fly out my chest and my fucking face is hot enough to bake cookies on! Fuck. “Ah-what the fuck was that-?” Calm down Philip, breathe, it wasn’t even a real kiss.
“You see, Ian and I have known each other since we were kids. Our parents were good friends, so naturally we became friends as well. When he asked me out last year, I was ecstatic, I’d liked him for so long & it felt amazing to have him return those feelings.” She inhaled slowly so as to keep her composure. “When he randomly dumped me, of course I got a bit obsessed. I couldn’t help it, I just didn’t understand why, why would he just..drop me after all these years of being friends. If he had told me he just wanted to stay friends, I would have understood. I would have been hurt sure but at least I would still be able to have some kind of friendship with him. But that’s not how it happened. He told me he was sick of me and just.. Dropped me. He was supposed to be my soulmate.” She paused. “We were supposed to have a sweet love story ending with us growing old together.”
The look in her eyes was heavy, I could tell she was holding back a fountain of tears. What am I supposed to do? Should I say something? 
“When you yelled at me the other day it really put things into perspective; and then after seeing you punch Ian I decided I couldn’t do this to myself anymore, I needed to ask him directly, why he treated me like that. You know what he told me?” She laughed wryly, “He told me he didn’t owe me an explanation because I wasn’t good enough for it, also that he knew all along what was going on & how pathetic he thought I was.”
Of course he knew, he’s not stupid. Still, it pisses me off royally knowing he said that to her. ‘Doesn’t owe an explanation’? What kind of narcissistic bullshit is that?
“I feel so stupid for thinking it would work even a little, and even more stupid for roping you into it. I..I just wanted to apologize for everything. If it wasn’t for you I..I don’t think I would have ever come to my senses. You were right about me all along, I’m an asshole who uses people and acts way too happy for my own good. The truth is I’m not happy. I haven’t been for a long time.” Her voice cracked.
I’m at a loss for words, here she is; crying right in front of me and I can’t offer anything to her. I can’t stand it when she’s sad, I want to cheer her up. I know, me of all people. If this was any other day with literally anyone else, I’d tell them to suck it up & fuck off without even flinching. But with her, I’m always flinching; and I don’t even care this time. “Well-” I scoff, “This is bullshit.” 
“...what?”
I groan, “I can’t believe I’m doing this, Emelia wait here-” I can not be more clear to myself; there isn’t anyone else I would do this for. I know now why I was so mad, why she irritates me so much and why I felt so goddamn bitter. It wasn’t because of her being so chipper, or approaching me in the first place, it wasn’t because of the way she acted. I was pissed off because I was fucking jealous, why that guy? Why him? Why does she give that bastard the time of day? It makes me fucking sick, I’m sick of him. That’s why I punched him. I can’t stand that smug face, and it pisses me off how much sleep she’s lost over him. There’s no denying it anymore, I like her. No, I’m in love with her, and right now, all I want to do is make her smile. God I hate this. I have no fucking idea what she likes that’ll make her smile; but I know what I like, so that’s going to have to do. I just need something that blows up or lights on fire. Thank god for souvenir shops. I hope she’s still waiting..ah- she is, I’m glad. Now, like the dysfunctional human being I am, I shove the gift in her face. Right? “Here.”
“Fireworks?”
The tiny head tilt you did is like that of a dog when you speak to it, cute. “Look, whenever I’m upset I like to light shit on fire & scream my head off when it explodes. Since that’s basically how you feel right now, I figured it was the perfect time to do it, now are you in or out?” 
Of all the reactions to my kind gesture I expected from you, I didn’t expect a snicker to be one of them.
“Pffft-”
“What’s so funny?” That little- I do a nice thing for once & you’re laughing at me for it? Even worse, it’s growing.
“You light fireworks when you’re mad? What are you twelve?!”
“Hey shut up it’s how I blow off steam.”
“I know but fireworks?! Most people smash things or shoot guns when they’re mad; not set off fireworks! I-It’s so childish!” 
Great, serves me right for trying to step even a tiny bit out of my comfort zone. Your laugh is so loud it’s practically a howl. I wanted to make you smile; but not at my expense. It’s embarrassing me, and I’m not one to feel self conscious, my face is turning red thanks to you. Dick. “Stop laughing! I only offered so that I didn’t have to see that fugly face of yours cry!” Jesus, when embarrassed I even sound like a fucking twelve year old! I hate this. Guess all I can do is wait it out until you’ve calmed down. 
“Please- No more! I’m gonna piss myself!”
Maybe this wasn’t the outcome I expected, but it’s what I got. You’re holding your stomach and instead of crying over that bastard, you’re crying out of laughter. Not the outcome I wanted, but the one you needed. Your laugh is boisterous and genuine, so forget my pride, you probably haven't done this in a long time. 
After laughing your head off for 10 minutes straight you finally calmed down. I’m over the embarrassment at this point, I’ll just cross my arms & pretend I’m still upset. “Had enough?”
“Oh...ahhh...oh that was funny.. Philip Dorian you never cease to amaze me..”
There’s a real smile. I can’t look too long without my damned chest beginning to pound. Fuck I’ve never felt this way before, it’s all new & it messes me up. “Do you want to do them or not? Now that you’ve gotten your thrills by once again humiliating me.” That’s right, I just need to keep acting the way I usually do with her. Don't be too kind.
“Heh, I’d love to light them.” 
Who the hell do you think you are being so goddamn cute? What do you think we’re friends now? Is that why you’re just grabbing the fireworks right out of my hands without a warning? Because the next thing I know, I’m jerking my arm away rather quickly. “D-Don’t touch me-!”
“Geez jumpy much? Is this because I fake kissed you?” She sneered.
No. It’s because I fucking like you & you’re too casual with me, you dumbass. Just stay calm. Stop freaking out. “Probably. Or because I’m disgusted by being kissed by you yet again, even if it was fake.” Then again, the other one was fake too. Christ. “You need to stop grabbing me without my consent, it freaks me out, jesus.” I’m such a fucking liar.
“Okay okay I promise I won’t molest you now will you light a firework already? I’m getting bored.”
“Fine.” That’s right. Everything is back to normal. You’re the weirdo who stalked your ex and I’m the dysfunctional moody asshole. All's right with the world. We’ll set off these fireworks and then we'll never speak again. Never again. That’s what’s best.
“Wow! It’s so pretty!”
The glee in your voice smacks me back to reality. I can see the reflection of the sparkler in your eyes, you were making fun of me for being childish but the gaze on your face is as bright as a childs. I want to kiss you so bad. 
“Aw it went out. Hey fire off the ones that shoot in the sky! Those are my favourite!”
I wish you knew, just how precious you are to me right now. But for now, this works. “Yeah yeah calm down you five year old.” There might not have been many fireworks, but that didn’t matter. The joy they gave you once I lit them gave me everything I needed. I guess things had been weighing heavily on her, more than I imagined; and I was too hard on her. She’s yelling out, just as loud as her lungs can reach. You have a lot of pent up sadness & frustration you need to let go of; and I can’t do anything but just stand there and listen. Until you’re quiet.
“Thank you Philip.”