isolation [matty healy]

pt. 9: turmoil

it was hard to stop the thoughts once they started. i felt so weird and frustrated and alone, and didn't know how to get out of it. i knew it was beyond narcissistic to assume i was capable of having that much of an effect on two grown men, but my mind was good at convincing me that i am clearly horrible enough to send them running in the other direction.

after pacing around the house for a little while longer, i saw that it was about to be 2pm, and before i knew what i was doing, i was grabbing a clean mask and heading to the pond.

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the walk to the pond was already doing wonders for my attitude. i was thinking more clearly and rationally, and was no longer making up wild stories about matty and george hating my guts and leaving the country because they can't stand me.
i walk a fine line between narcissism and social anxiety and i'm not proud of it.

once i got comfortable in my position, sitting on the soft patch of grass looking over the water, i let out a deep breath. i pulled out my phone, and called matty. what do i have to lose? if he doesn't want to talk, he won't answer. if he does, then, well, i'll figure that part out next.

at first, the line was making a quiet static noise, and then the call dropped completely. frowning, i checked my phone's signal, and decided i would try again once i got back to the house. my call probably isn't going through because i'm not on wifi. that's probably it.

after a few more minutes, i stood up and walked home. my attention span was incredibly short and i hadn't brought a book to read. and, admittedly, i was now really starting to wonder what was going on with the guys.

i was glad to get back inside because i had power-walked home so quickly that i had given myself a leg cramp. the moment i locked the door behind myself, i checked my signal, and called again.
the same thing happened. the call dropped.
now i was starting to worry.

as my mind started racing again, i decided that the next best thing i could do was call amanda. i wanted to check in with her since we hadn't talked all day anyway, and i'm sure she didn't appreciate me not replying to her text messages from earlier in the day, but i had somehow forgotten she ever texted me in the first place. i really needed her voice of reason.
my call to her went right through, and she picked up after only a few rings.

"hey girl," she answered, "what's up?"

"hey! um, everything's fine, i just was checking to make sure my phone was working. also i'm sorry i never texted you back," i said while getting comfortable on the couch.

"it's all good, i was actually just about to call you."

"great minds," i said, smiling. "how's your day going?"

after the initial chit-chat and joking about whatever random phrases derek had muttered in his sleep the night before, she told me that she and derek were organizing a small outdoor get-together with a few friends for tonight. at derek's apartment complex, there was a multi-level parking garage, and the top level provided an adequate space for gathering. everyone was gonna be socially distanced, wearing masks, and even wearing gloves while preparing food, so they were really taking the right precautions.

she was so excited, and i was "obviously invited", so i was thinking about the night's possibilities while she was still talking. it could be really good for me to get out of the house. be around other people. new people.

"carrie?" amanda said, "are you still there?"

"i am! sorry, i started thinking. what were you saying?"

"well i was saying you can let me know when you're on the way if you still want to come to the cookout. and you could invite matty and george if you want, but i don't know how low-key they're trying to be while they're here. i can't guarantee that derek's friends won't be star struck."

"oh," i replied, heart sinking ever so slightly. "i actually haven't heard from them today. i'm not totally sure where they are. i've admittedly been obsessing over it a little."

"what do you mean? is matty not answering the phone?"

i quickly explained about their missing car, and my calls not going through, and she was just as puzzled as me.

"well, that's confusing. but i'm sure everything's fine and you'll hear from them later," she said, now fully confident at her conclusion. "if your calls are dropping like that, they are probably out driving somewhere where phone reception is spotty. and texts probably won't go through either. i'm honestly glad they're giving you the space you asked for, even if it was on accident."

sometimes her confidence made me feel like a little kid, and other times it comforted me. as she finished speaking, i was somewhere in the middle. i could believe what she was saying, but my own insecurities were shouting back. i was a regular consumer of emotional turmoil.

"having space today has been really good for me, but now i'm just stuck in thoughts of wanting to know that they're okay. but i know i just have to wait. and i know how i get when i feel like i'm not in control, so..." i trailed off, knowing what i didn't need to say. "i'm just gonna go get changed and head over to derek's place as soon as i can. i'll text you when i'm on my way."

we said goodbye, and i headed upstairs, once again ignoring the fact that i desperately needed to clean my cluttered room.

i changed into my favorite dark green top, and threw on a pair of blue jean shorts. heading into my bathroom, i grabbed one of my pencils to fill in my brows, and then crafted a quick pair of wings. i ran a brush through my hair, stopping for a moment to pull the forgotten brown strands from between the teeth of the brush, and looked at myself in the mirror. satisfied with my appearance, i jogged downstairs and slid on some converse. i was about to walk out the door when i abruptly changed my mind about the shoes. i kicked them off my feet, jogged back upstairs, and put on the vans i had shown matty a few days before. that's better.

once i got back downstairs, i locked everything up, and headed to my car in the driveway. i was hopeful that the drive would go by quickly, and that i wouldn't be too anxious being around derek and amanda's friends. i wasn't antisocial, or even opposed to being with people, but i had such a hard time trusting anyone. it affects everything i do, and every conversation i have, and as i backed out of the driveway, i found myself wishing i could skip to the part of my life where i am healed, and i finally feel safe again.

let's not think ourselves into a bad headspace, okay? i rolled my eyes at my own inner voice. let's just listen to some music and relax for 45 minutes. this is exciting! you're leaving the house for the first time in months! but also... maybe it's okay if you don't actually feel all that excited.

"i'm gonna try," i said out loud to myself. "i'm gonna give this whole night a try. i'm giving derek's friends a try. i'm giving ME a try."

i turned up my music and focused on the road.

the once traffic-jammed, accident prone roads, were empty and easy to navigate, and i found myself thankful for one less thing to worry about while driving.

tonight will be good. i'm sure of it.

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