isolation [matty healy]

pt. 2: outside

i woke up at around 11am, the smell of breakfast wafting into my bedroom.

my bedroom was a disaster, and i had apparently had a rough night of sleep. my blankets and sheets were tangled around my legs, and i had somehow managed to take my shirt off in my sleep; i was now in only my pj shorts and sports bra. i slid my shirt back on and wiped the sleep from my eyes, letting out a sigh.

i started my inner monologue speech: today, i will eat breakfast. i will willingly consume food, and water, and do something positive, and helpful. i will clean. i will stay open with amanda and i will not shut down. i will not let my shitty brain control me today. i don't know what day it is, but it'll be a good one.

i made my way downstairs to the kitchen with amanda. she had opened the windows a little bit and had the tv on while she ate her breakfast. she watched me as i put a plate together for myself and i thanked her with a smile, and then we immediately started talking about the episode of Catfish that was on. it was getting wild.

while we talked, and part of me was distracted, the other part of me snuck food into my mouth. by the time the episode was over, most of my food was gone. the good part of me was victorious, and the bad part of me was viciously angry. but i was gonna continue on with this day no matter what, just like i said i would.

then amanda said, "hey, would you remind me what those guys look like? the ones you saw outside last night."

"i didn't get a great look at them," i replied, thinking. "but for sure one of them was very tall, and the other was medium height. they had on masks and sunglasses. dark curly hair, possibly."

"hmm," amanda said, finishing the last bite of her eggs. "you know how the family next door rents sometimes? i think the guys you described last night are staying there. i saw them this morning and didn't recognize them. and they could be around our age, too."

"oh okay," i said. "should we...interact with them? welcome them to the neighborhood?"

"i don't know how we could safely do that. maybe just wave to them outside or something," amanda said, noticing my curiosity.

part of why amanda is so great is that we read each other's minds all the time. she can already tell that i'm interested in meeting the guys. but she's also being cautious on my behalf. she knows everything that has ever happened to me, and as much as i go out of my way to protect her, she does the same for me.

i said, "well, i'll try not to be too weird. you're the only person i've spoken to in person for the last 3 months so that's going to be difficult. but yeah, maybe they're nice guys and we have nothing to worry about. well, i have nothing to worry about-" i was shaking my head and getting frustrated at where my thoughts were going, so i abruptly stood up and took our dishes to the sink.

we had both become fans of hand washing our dishes just to have something to do, so to distract myself from my thoughts i started scrubbing our plates and tossing my leftover breakfast bits into the garbage disposal. i could hear amanda sigh.

"i'm gonna go grab a shower," she said, making her way upstairs. i was grateful she wasn't putting me on the spot for my reaction, and i hummed in response, trying to pour my focus into the dishes in front of me. i was grinding my teeth together while i worked, and all too soon the dishes were clean and dry. i put them away and looked at the clock. it was 1:30 already, so i went upstairs, got dressed, and started cleaning up my room.

first i had on a playlist of all my favorite screamo bands, but i caved and put on a softer alternative/pop punk playlist. real friends, lovelytheband, the neighbourhood, bayside, anberlin, neck deep, this wild life, twenty one pilots, the maine, no doubt, the 1975.