isolation [matty healy]

pt. 7: goodnight

"i understand," he replied, looking at me thoughtfully. i could see more questions behind his eyes, but i was hoping he'd be smart enough to keep them to himself. "i'm sorry, again, for making you so upset. and also, i don't know who hurt you, but he sounds like a real piece of shit."

i nodded my head, feeling a few tears slip out at his words. "another story for another time, i suppose."

"will there be another time?" he looked at the ground as he asked me.

"i think so, matty," i replied, "but i also think i just need some space for today."

he nodded at me silently, and i tried to think if there was anything else i wanted to say.

"oh, matty," i said again, his eyes meeting mine. "tell george i'm sorry that our conversation got cut short."

"you don't have anything to apologize for," matty said, shaking his head. "i'll tell him, but he's really just angry with me. he's been taking care of me and just- yeah." he stopped himself, shaking his head, knowing i'd probably end up forgiving him right away and diving into a conversation about his struggles instead of taking the space i needed for the rest of the day.

"okay," i finally said, taking another step back down the walkway. "i'm glad we could have this conversation."

"me too, carrie. i hope i didn't completely fuck everything up with us."

"you didn't," i replied. i said goodbye again quietly, and then quickly turned away and walked back to my house. i didn't allow myself to turn and look back at him.

———————

after our dramatic ass conversation, i was so glad to be back in my space, in the quiet, where i could process my thoughts. remembering what george had said earlier about his paintings, i decided to follow his lead and do something artistic. i didn't have very many blank canvases or good paper left, i'd have to go shopping soon, so i decided to paint over an old canvas that i didn't like.
i painted on 2 layers of white acrylic paint, eating my sandwich and fruit from the early afternoon while i waited for it to dry. i had a massive headache from crying, so i took some ibuprofen before getting the rest of my paints out.

setting up a workspace in the kitchen was always fun. it made me think of amanda. sometimes when we would stay up late together, we would watch ASMR videos on the tv, and then try to make our own using random stuff in the kitchen. i had about 50 videos on my phone of her crunching into a carrot and us crying laughing at 2 in the morning. i'll have to show those to matty next time i see him, i caught myself thinking. i could just send him some of the videos, i'm sure they would cheer him up-

i interrupted my own thoughts. listen here, you soft bitch. he apologized, and things have cooled down, but you have laid out a beautiful boundary here. do not fuck this up. you hear me? good. now let's paint a masterpiece.

———————————

several hours later, i was covered in layers of paint, and sweat. my back was cramping in three different places and i was exhausted. after repeatedly changing my mind on what i wanted to paint, i ended up with a soggy mess of colors on a canvas, and switched over to some of the paper and small canvases that i was trying to save for a special occasion. i'm alone in the middle of a pandemic, i thought. who needs a special occasion?

after cleaning up most of my mess, i spent several minutes scrubbing the remaining bits of paint off of my hands and arms, only to see flecks of paint in the ends of my brown hair. i figured brushing it out would probably help, or i could just cut it off? my thoughts were definitely getting loopy, and i looked at the clock, shocked to see that it was now 10pm. i had been painting for about 8 hours and i could feel it.

i stretched my back as much as i could, and started checking all the locks on the windows and doors around the house again. once i was satisfied, i went upstairs, frowning when i saw how messy my bedroom still was.

well, if i still don't feel like talking to matty and george tomorrow, then i'll just spend the day cleaning this disaster.

i really hoped i felt like talking to matty tomorrow. i missed him already, and almost talked myself into ditching my self-respect just to talk to him on the phone again before bed.

the good thing was that i was actually sleepy enough to fall asleep, which made me suspicious, but then i remembered the panic attack had really taken it out of me today. the whole day somehow felt like it lasted a week.
as i was getting undressed, amanda face-timed me, and we inevitably started talking about what had happened with matty and george. well, matty.

"i'm so sorry dude!" amanda exclaimed. "wow. he was being such a dick for no reason. well i guess he had some reason. but i'm so glad you spoke up for yourself!"

"yeah," i replied, "it's been a rough day but here we are, back with my one true love," i patted my bed.

"what do you think is really going on with him?"

"what do you mean?"

"well, he keeps alluding to whatever he's going through, as if it's some big mysterious secret. i mean, given his past, i feel like the answer won't be a surprise, but it just makes me worry about you more. i wish you'd come stay at derek's with me."

i sighed, and then laughed through my nose as i heard derek say to her, "babe, she's more than welcome here but i don't want her to have to sleep on the couch-"

"she can sleep wherever she wants!" amanda interrupted him. he rolled back over to his side of the bed.

"it's okay," i replied, laughing at them. "i think this time alone has actually been pretty positive for me overall. it's literally only been two days but holy shit. feels like way longer."

"i know," amanda said. "hey, by the way, how are you doing?" she lowered her voice a little, "are you doing okay with eating and stuff?"

'eating and stuff' was code for "are you starving yourself again? or hurting yourself?"

i nodded my head and said, "i'm eating really well actually. i accidentally skipped dinner tonight but i ate a great lunch earlier. and just finished a 100% healthy chocolate granola bar," she laughed. then i said, "and other stuff is fine, too. thank you for checking in."

we continued chatting; at one point, amanda called derek's family dog into the room so i could fawn over him, and then around midnight, i was ready to say goodnight.

as i plugged in my phone, i thought about matty again. i decided after a minute or two to text him simply saying goodnight, and i felt good about that.
i scrolled through our previous messages and smiled to myself.
then, a few minutes later, he texted me saying goodnight as well, and after my nervous heart finished pounding, i was calm.

we were going to be just fine.