DISCONTINUED

Chapter 12

Garreth lay in bed staring vacantly at the ceiling, seemingly oblivious to the alarm that was still sounding 20 minutes after it had woken him from yet another fitful sleep.

He'd actually intended to go back to work yesterday. He'd gotten up and had eaten breakfast with Luna before she caught the bus to school, but as he was grabbing his stuff on the way out the door, he'd accidentally picked up Julia's work ID instead of his. He'd looked down at her picture on the badge and just lost it. He'd been staring at pictures of her all over the house for days but somehow this unexpected image had brought him to his knees. Needless to say, he hadn't made it into work, but he'd at least been able to distract himself by building Mack's car seat until Luna had called him asking for a ride home.

Hey G... A. Turn off the alarm. B. Get up already.

I don't know if I can Jules. I'm not ready to face all those people living their normal lives. I'm not one of them anymore and I can't pretend that I am. Besides, honestly... I couldn't possibly care less about my job than I do right now. It just doesn't matter to me. At all.

No one is asking you to pretend that anything's normal and frankly, I'd be a bit offended if you actually did care about your job right now. But I care about you and about our beautiful daughter and about both of you starting - just starting - to try to find a way to at least somehow stumble forward just a bit.

But Jules, you have no idea how hard it is to be here without you. It's crippling Jules. I can't... I can't even function. I spend most of my time just stuck in a mindless fog. I'm numb to everything going on around me but inside I'm in constant pain. I see you everywhere in everything and yet I know I'll never see you again. You have no idea. You have no idea...

You're right G. I have no idea how you feel. Sort of like how you have no idea how it feels to be DEAD and forced to watch the ones you love mope around and gradually self-destruct instead of sucking every last bit of life out of every one of the beautiful days they've been given.

Garreth slowly ran his hand down over his face and sighed deeply, but he still didn't move.

Look, Honey... I'm not asking you to be better. Not now, not anytime soon. I'm just asking you to take a step, that's all. Just take a step. You're gonna stumble, you're gonna fall. I get that and it's ok. Just try to fall "uphill", ok? You have to try honey. So, turn the alarm off, get up, go to work and face all those awkward stares and well-meaning but maddening condolences, and then come back home at the end of the day and hug our beautiful daughter. And then get up and do it all again tomorrow. It will gradually get easier, I promise, but you've got to start by taking a step forward.

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By the time Garreth was up and dressed and downstairs for breakfast Luna was just about to head out the door.

"Hey Dad, you feeling ok? You're gonna be late for work, aren't you?"

"Yea, thanks Lu. I'm fine. I just slept in. I meant to have breakfast with you again. Sorry."

"No problem Dad. Don't worry about it. I'm just glad you're ok." She gave Garreth a quick hug as she grabbed her lunch off the counter.

"Love you Dad."

"Love you too Lu. Have a good day at school."

Luna leaned down and gave Mack a little affectionate scratch on the head. "You be a good boy Big Mack. See you later." As Luna closed the door behind her Mack raced to the window to watch her head off down the street to the bus stop.

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About an hour later Garreth's car pulled into the parking lot at work and made its way to his designated parking spot. He was late of course, so the lot was mostly full, but there was a spot right next to his with a sign that read "Julia Timmons" that was painfully empty. Garreth closed his eyes as he struggled to keep it together. Amidst the pain he wondered... should he remind someone in HR about this so they could reassign her spot to someone else, or would they remember to do it on their own? Maybe they'd already remembered but were waiting because they were afraid of being considered "insensitive" or moving on too fast? Who would take that spot, and what would feel better... the painful reminder of seeing his wife's spot empty or the realization that the rest of the world had in fact moved on when her spot was eventually taken by someone else?

Garreth grabbed his things and made his way across the parking lot, heading for the side door that was closest to his office. Just a step he thought. No need to walk through the front doors and the main lobby on his first day back. By avoiding some of the more congested areas of the building on the way to his office, maybe he could ease into this.

The awkwardness hanging in the air as he walked down the halls and past offices and break rooms was palpable. Conversations abruptly paused when people saw him approaching. Some whispered amongst themselves. Some turned away. Some tried to hide and avoid his eyes. Some gave him sympathetic but pathetic looks, while others mumbled no doubt well-meaning but empty, hollow dumb things. Garreth just pursed his lips, nodded, and said "thanks" – unconvincingly - and kept walking.

His office had never seemed so far away. He felt like he was walking on a treadmill, getting nowhere. Seriously... where WAS it??? Had he mistakenly gotten off on the wrong floor? He was sweating and feeling hot and nauseous and had almost turned around when at last he finally arrived at his department. He slipped into his office and closed the door behind him. Sitting down heavily in his chair, his gaze landed on the image on his desk of he and Jules and Luna all happily smiling back at him.

Nice job honey. That's a step. I'm proud of you.

I have to be honest Jules. That did not feel like progress. I don't know if I can face all those people again, let alone the others that I haven't bumped into yet.

Ah, give them a break G. Nobody knows how to deal with someone else's loss, you know that. They're trying their best. I must say though, most of those people weren't this nice to me when I was alive. Did you hear Lorenzo? He's never spoken so highly of me. I think maybe he wants my parking spot...

Jules, I can't handle all these awkward interactions.

Would you rather that everyone just carried on like nothing happened, because believe me that's just around the corner. People will offer their condolences, inwardly quietly thank God that it's you and not them, and then they'll move on. Quickly. Nobody likes to fixate on a loss. It reminds them too much of their own mortality. You'll see... all it will take is just one office birthday party or baby shower or work lunch and the memory of Julia Timmons will fade. And before you know it someone will expect you to get all excited with them about some "super important" work thing, wrongly assuming of course that you actually give a rip right now. People won't acknowledge or give you space for your loss for very long dear. I'd suggest that you do your best to accept their super awkward attempts at sympathy before they move on completely and leave you all alone with your grief.

Garreth just sat there for a while before finally switching on his system. As it came online his Inbox started to fill with a mix of work-related notes and condolence messages that people had sent while he'd been away. He was working his way through the pile when a new message arrived marked "urgent". It read:

Hey Garreth. Sorry for your loss.

If it's not too much trouble, can I get last week's departmental update from you ASAP? I really need it by end of day if at all possible.

Thanks.

Garreth stared at Julia's photo. An update by end of day? By the end of this day? Not likely, because, well... it hadn't been nearly long enough yet for him to really give a rip.

Well, you sure called that one Jules.

Yea, what can I say? I know stuff.