Thantophobia | Adam Banks (4)

My Gorgeous

My gorgeous,

The most painful goodbye.

I hope it's okay that I called you that, I know I'm meant to just call you Adam now but I feel like our final goodbye needs to be a little more special.

I know your heart will shatter as you read on, but I can't leave without saying a few final things.

Needless to say, writing this letter was heart breaking. It didn't come easy. I hope that you understand. I can't say it in person. Goodbyes are bitter.

I just need to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm putting you through this pain once again.

I wrote this a while ago and I've been praying I wouldn't have to use it. I've been praying that I'd win.

But If you're reading this it means I've finally gotten the courage to do what I've been wanting to do for the past few years.

I've ended my life in a way that reflected how I truly felt.

Like I was drowning.

If I ever lose my battle with depression there are a few things I want everyone to know I don't blame any of you or anything from my past.

I wish you would've noticed I was crying on the inside while smiling on the outside. I know I tried so hard to be everyone's sunshine but I was full of rainclouds.

When I was busy checking in on you you'd never check in on me, I mean sometimes you did but deep down I couldn't help but feel like no one cared.

I spent 15 years loving you and I don't regret a single minute, even if our love story didn't have its happy ending.

We started off as Lex Lex and Addy two children just trying to make their way through life, only really having each other.

Eventually we ended up as Cutie and Gorgeous, two teens in love that would go to the ends of the earth to see each other happy.

And now, we've come full circle. I guess, we're just Alexis and Adam. Two teens who loved each other until one didn't anymore.

For the longest time you scared away my monsters but when you left me they kept coming back and I'm too afraid to face them without you.

You taught me to skate, You taught me how to tie my shoes and ride a bike. You taught me that life can be beautiful if you have the right person by your side.

You were my right person, and you always will be.

You taught me how to love, you taught me what it felt like to be loved even if you don't love me anymore.

My best wasn't enough. I get that. It's okay.

I know everyone says that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem but my problems aren't temporary although my pain is permanent.

I know what people would say if they knew I wanted to die, they'd say stay strong and keep fighting, but they don't understand.

I already lost.

I lost the second I was raped, twice.

I lost the second my mother was murdered

I lost the second my best friend died and left me alone.

I lost the minute my father decided I just wasn't good enough and walked out.

But most of all I lost the second that I no longer had you.

There's nothing more painful than doing your absolute best but never feeling good enough for anyone.

It hurts, it hurts that I can't be what everyone wants, or what anyone needs and it hurts that I can't be what I want or what I need, because I am not enough and I will never be enough.

I am just so damn tired of trying. I can't keep doing this. You deserve better, you need better.

I don't blame anyone, I did this to myself, it's my fault, everything is always my fault

Honestly right now I don't see the reason for trying or for talking or for breathing, I'm just tired , I'm tired of being here.

I want to die, I don't want to have to keep fighting, and if that makes me a coward then fine in a coward but I just can't do it anymore.

I wanted to fight believe me I did but my demons are so overwhelming, they scream so loud I can't hear myself think and Im over fighting back. I can't be bothered to keep on doing it anymore it hurts me too much.

If you take one thing from this letter just know that I love you and you're the reason why I managed to hold on for so long.

But my rope is frayed and I can feel it about to snap.

I always put up a strong front. I never wanted anyone to worry. I'd cry for hours and then walk out like nothing was wrong with me.

I kinda want you to work out what's going on.

I want you to save me but also I don't.

I know I want to die, I want the pain to end.

Know that because I'm gone it means I'm not in pain anymore and I know it means you guys are in pain and I'm sorry for that but please remember all the good times.

How goofy I was. How loving I was and how much I loved you.

I don't know what I did to make you turn on me, I don't know why you decided to leave and I guess that's my biggest regret, I'll never get to know.

It's not your fault, so please don't ever ever think it is, it's just you leaving was just my last light dimming, and I couldn't find anymore switches to escape the darkness.

I love you gorgeous and even if you don't love me back anymore, I'll never stop and I choose you and I will forever choose you.

But I need to go, I've wanted this for a while now.

Goodbyes are not forever, they are just I'll miss you until we meet again.

I'll see you on the other side, we can go to the moon together, okay?

I'm sorry I broke my promise but I couldn't be in pain anymore.

I hope you'll forgive me.

I Love you Addy
- Cutie.