Stalker (Cryle)

Rainy thoughts

Kyle's POV

I woke up early. Way too early. I should've slept more. I should've stayed asleep forever.

I walked to the bathroom and looked into the mirror. I saw Kyle  staring back at me. Kyle who has green eyes, ginger hair, some freckles on his face and he's scared, very scared...from himself. Kyle who acts like he's better than anyone else but only to hide that his fear from himself. Kyle, who can't handle any situation without screaming, crying or hurting someone. This is me, I am Kyle. But I'm not sad, I don't hate myself, I'm just unsure about a lot of things. Sometimes I just think I have to go away for a while to finally understand myself, it doesn't matter where or how, just leave.

I didn't want to take a shower, it was rainy and wet outside, why would I want to be even more wet? After a couple more minutes of standing in the middle of the bathroom, I went back to my room to change from my pajamas.

Picking out my clothes was always the hardest part of the day. No matter what outfit I wore, I always felt oddly outstanding. I don't know why I felt like this, I tried to avoid contact with others and act normal, but somehow it never worked. No matter how hard I tried to cover them, my inner issues with myself always stayed visible in some way, and clothes can't change that. I rambled a bit more about what should be today's outfit then decided to wear a simple white shirt, black jeans, and socks with little avocados on them.

I like avocados, sometimes I eat avocado toast for breakfast. It tastes terrible but I love the fun green color, it's so bright. Once I even tried to grew out an avocado, but I forgot to take care of the seed so it just slowly started rotting from the inside. It was like some kind of virus infected it and it wouldn't stop spreading until the seed was completely rotten. At that point, nothing I did helped, because I didn't take care of it in the first place. Kyle! You got lost again. I looked up, I was standing halfway to the bathroom. Shit, I did it again, right?

Spacing out only became a problem a while ago, I couldn't concentrate on more things at once, I would always got lost in one track of thoughts and stop doing everything else. Sometimes it's useful, because it's similar to dreaming, just stay still and not think about what was happening around me, just get buried in my head, be somewhere else for a second. But as I started spacing out more and more, it became hard for me to do actual everyday things. For example, eating breakfast is not taking more than 30 minutes, because I always get distracted by something else.

This by itself isn't a big problem, in school if someone notices that I'm not there in my head then they can just remind me to be there. But it doesn't go that easily, this isn't my only problem. I enjoy getting lost in my thoughts, as much as I know that it's not right, and if someone tries to get me back to reality then I get really upset. Lately I started getting upset over smaller things too, and controlling it has started becoming harder. And that's what scares me more and more every day, when will I reach the point where I would freak out over everything? When will I go fully out of control?

I shake my head, brushing aside these thoughts. I quickly go to the bathroom and change my clothes, this time making sure that I was focusing on the right thing. The I looked at my phone, I still wasn't late but I wasted quite some time with spacing out.

I went downstairs, no one was there. I suppose my parents left for work and Ike...well, honestly I don't know what's with Ike, he's probably sleeping at one of his friends' place. I feel like with my condition getting worse every day, our family is slowly falling apart, like I'm not the one who I used to be. Well...that's not completely wrong.

I put two slices of bread to the toaster, I wasn't really hungry but I felt like my day just didn't start without a breakfast. It was one of those things that made me feel weirdly calm, like my life may be fucked up but I know I'm not completely lost as long as these small things stay the same. Maybe I was naive for believing stuff like that will change anything.

I put my toasts on a plate and turned on the water heater to make tea while eating. I didn't like coffee much, that's why I drank tea every morning. I took out a mug from the cupboard and put a tea filter in it, then poured the hot water in the cup. While doing all of this, I had to focus really hard not to space out. Sure, it was a pain in the ass but for some reason I strongly believed that if I just stop thinking, my condition would get better. Maybe it helped a little bit, but not enough.

After breakfast I put on my usual orange jacket, my green hat and some shoes. I wonder if I'll need an umbrella, it's not raining right now but the weather isn't really nice. Nice, huh? It's unfair that people call hot and sunny weather 'nice' and cold and rainy days 'bad'. I personally never thought about what weather I liked...I didn't let myself think about it, to be precise. Sometimes when I noticed that I started getting lost in my thoughts, I forced myself to stop and focus on the more important things. But a lot of times, I still didn't notice that I got distracted.

I stepped out to the cold streets, locking the house after myself since nobody's home. I started walking towards the spot where  the bus stopped every day, when I got there, the place was empty. I guess I'm still early. What shall I do while waiting?

I looked down at my feet, my shoes were covered in mud. Not fresh mud, I believe they're dirty because last week we went to Starks pond on a similar rainy day with Stan and the gang and I forgot to clean them after that. Stan, huh? Since I wasn't really myself lately, my relationship with my friends got worse too. Especially Stan, he constantly pointed out that I'm acting weird, like I'm doing it on purpose. It annoyed me very much that he acted like I wasn't even trying, but I was, was trying harder than ever and yet, he still says that I'm strange. Controlling my anger was harder than usual around Stan, maybe it bothered me so much that he thought I was weird because he meant much to me. If a random stranger on the street would tell me I'm weird, I probably wouldn't care, but since Stan's opinion matters for me, I hate myself even more when he says I'm not who I used to be. I want to prove so badly to everyone, especially myself that I'm still the Kyle who I used to be.

I felt someone arriving next to me, I looked up to see Craig. He wore his blue hat with same blue coat and some black pants. In his hand, he held his Polaroid camera, he always had it with him, like it meant something for him, something really important. I'm not really friends with Craig, but honestly, I don't thing he's friends with anyone. He never interacts with others, he just watches them and sometimes takes pictures, but it's really hard to notice when he does that, I think he did  it way more times then the ones I counted. Strangely enough, nobody cares about him, and I think he's okay with that. Maybe others don't even notice that he's there most of the time, but then why do I keep noticing him?

I felt like I had to say something but the signs showed that I should stay shut. I don't think Craig wants to talk. Back then, I used to think he was just shy to say anything but as we grew older, I realized that he just doesn't want to. He stayed silent so much that I nearly forgot what his voice sounds like.

The silence between us must've gotten very awkward because I felt him staring at me, I don't know if he actually wanted me to start a conversation or he was just being weird. I decided to risk it and say something, if he responds then I did it right and if he doesn't respond...well, then I just made the moment even more awkward.

I took a deep breath, okay what's the worst thing that could happen? He doesn't respond? It's ridiculous that I'm so afraid from this situation, just talk god damn it! "Why are you staring at me?" Seriously? That's the only thing I could come up with?! That's the worst thing anyone could come up with!

I looked up at Craig, I was afraid to see his reaction. But, he didn't show any, he never did. He just continued staring at me, not saying anything. I guess the worst case that could happen just happened. I made the atmosphere even more awkward, yay. You fucking idiot! I screamed in my head. How did I even expect him to answer?! I really hope the bus comes soon and this situation ends.

To make it less embarrassing, I began looking at my muddy shoes with even bigger interest. I just didn't want to look into those big black eyes again, there was something scary in the way they watched me. Something that made me feel I was drowning in an ocean.

Before I could make the situation even more awkward the bus finally arrived. Thank god, I rushed to the opening door faster than ever before. As I was getting on the bus I heard something that made me shiver. A deep, husky voice from behind me calling my name. I knew exactly who the voice belonged to and I ignored it on purpose.