Chasing Gold

32| elle était un pardonneur

"I should be the one apologizing," Kingston says. "After four years, you'd think I'd come up with something better to say."

I chuckle. "Well, four years is a long time."

"It is isn't it," Kingston says lets out a small laugh. "I've been rehearsing what I wanted to say ever since I got on the plane, I even wrote down a few things too so I wouldn't forget, but it all just went to hell when I saw you."

"If it makes you feel any better, you're not alone in this one." I pause. "I've been rehearsing what I wanted to say ever since the day I walked out of that diner."

Kingston looks down. "I owe you an explanation, somehow I hope that after four years it's not too late and you can forgive me." He sighs. "But before I begin, I wanted to apologize for what I did. It was long overdue, you deserved more than the way I handled things that day."

"I didn't need it to move on, your apology I mean." I pause. "Sometimes you wait for an apology that never comes and as time goes by you realize that you never needed it in the first place. All you had to do was forgive yourself. I blamed myself for it, I picked myself apart trying to find the reason as to why would you ever leave, I thought I just wasn't good enough for you. Eventually, I had to forgive myself, because it never had to do anything to do with me in the first place. I gave you everything and it still wasn't enough. "

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing the situation; trying to put the pieces together to pinpoint the moment where it all went wrong but you will never find the answer. You will never find it because when it has nothing to do with you, the only person that has it is the one that walked away. "

"You're right, it never had anything to do with you," Kingston replies. "I realized that I was starting to fall hard for you after we spent the weekend in your grandpa's ranch just the two of us. Do you remember that weekend?"

"I do," I half-smile. "How could I ever forget?"

"After that weekend, I knew I had a few things I had to work on myself before I could ever love you before I could ever give you what you truly deserved. I was broken Ev and you deserved more than a broken person who didn ' t know how to be fixed. "

"That wasn't your call to make," I tell him. "You took that choice away from me."

"I know, but at that moment I made the decision I thought was best," Kingston replies.

"By distancing yourself and cheating on me?" I question.

"I never said I handled things in the best way Ev, I was immature and an ass," Kingston replies. "That was my mistake, instead of trying and working to be the man you needed me to be, I ended up being the one you were better off without."

"I had already forgiven you Kingston," I say looking him directly into his eyes. "It took me a long time to realize it but you not wanting me was the beginning of me wanting and loving myself. Thank you."

"When did you know it was over? When did you stop caring?" Kingston asks.

"Maybe when I found myself missing and loving the memories we had together more than you," I reply. 

"I can see it," Kingston says. "I can see it in your eyes, you're happy now."

"I am," I smile.

"You should be, you're doing great things Ev." Kingston smiles. "Mom wouldn't shut up about how proud she is of you. She mentions the case, almost every single time we talk on the phone."

I let out a laugh. "She might've mentioned it, in the brief conversation we had just a while ago."

"I'm so proud of you, you are doing everything you once told me you would." Kingston pauses. "And I'm happy for you, even if I'm no longer the one you're sharing it with."