Death of Me • Camren

Eleven

With a little help from some sweet red wine of course.

Camila is sitting in the living room too preoccupied with some show to notice when Lauren walks in. Not until Lauren walks right past her. Bottles clinging. "Oh, do you need help with that?" She asks, trotting into the kitchen a few steps behind. "No. I got it, but I brought some food and wine if you want some." Camila gives her a shocked look. As if she would ever pass on food an alcohol. "Is that even a question, or do you not know me at all?" She jokes, and Lauren nods knowingly. The light hearted moment only lasts for a moment before Camila suddenly speaks out. "So...I think I should move out..."

"Oh?" Is all Lauren says as she places the food on the table. "Why?"

"I dunno...I just kind of want my own room." Camila suggests sarcastically. "Right." Lauren laughs awkwardly. "I mean unless you wanna look for a two bedroom or something."

Her eyes meet Lauren's who looks away immediately. She knew what Camila was doing.

Indirectly pleading her for more.

For better.

It was honestly quite of selfish of Lauren to not be able to give even that much, when Camila gave more than she ever could. It was selfish to continue whatever this was and possibly give her some sort of false hope. Yet, Lauren still continued to not open up and expect someone to love her anyway. She expected Camila's feelings to stay the same whether she agreed to move or not. To stay the same whether Lauren was ever capable of completely reciprocating.

But nonetheless she agrees. Maybe all she needed was little more time.

They eat in silence for a few minutes before stumbling over to the couch. Already half intoxicated. "So are you still seeing that guy from your work?" Lauren quizzes. Mostly because she couldn't think of anything else, but also out of curiosity. The question is sudden and unexpected. Camila wasn't used to Lauren really caring about her love life. Ever since their road trip to Philly, Lauren completely avoided any sort of conversation about whoever Camila was with. "No. It didn't work out."

Lauren finishes off the bottle in the span of five minutes just so she is able to ask a question that's bothered her since Camila's confession. "So you think you're in love with me, but you've only been with men?" It's frank and sudden, and Lauren herself is taken aback. She didn't even know that she thought that way.

Camila downs what's left of her glass and pours another before clearing her throat. Laughing nervously at the straight forward nature of the question. "Yes." Is all she can muster, but she knows it's true. Her feelings for Lauren were undeniable whether she labeled her sexuality or ever loved another woman. "I've never felt this way about anyone. Man, woman, non-binary. My feelings for you are real....but I understand your judgment."

"I just don't understand why you would love me, of all people."

"Is that why you don't wanna talk about it?"

Lauren nods, but that was only half true. She genuinely didn't believe Camila and maybe that was why she was so unsure of her own feelings. Maybe she knew exactly what she felt but couldn't fathom that Camila felt the same. So she pushed it deep down inside of her and opted for the safer option of doubt.

"What can I do? to make you understand." Her eyebrows are furrowed in confusion and determination, but Lauren just shrugs and takes another drink. "I don't think it has to do with you exactly. It's just me..."

And for the first time Camila realizes what caused Lauren's hesitation. It was similar to her own in the beginning. Fear of rejection. Of ruining something good. Of loving someone who you thought wouldn't love you back.

"So you're scared too?" She whispers. It's more of statement to herself than a question. "You're scared?" Lauren frowns, looking at her voluntarily for once. "I'm terrified, Lauren. Who knows what would happen between us but- I know what I feel now. In this moment. What I've felt for a long time....I don't know how long it will last or if it will at all but I'm willing to take the chance... for you."

Lauren looks away to hide the tears in her eyes. No one, not even Julia, spoke to her like that. No one except Camila ever told her how truly important she was to them. She almost believed.

But only almost.

"Do you want another drink?" She interrupts. Basically jumping out of her seat. Camila blinks at the sudden change but cautiously agrees, and when Lauren comes back with their third bottle of wine she's too dizzy to see straight, let alone protest. Yet somehow she does. Not allowing Lauren to change the subject this time. "I know you can't just let me love you. Trussst me. I know." She slurs. "I was the same way, but can't you just try?" Her voice cracks on the last word. "Can't you try and like yourself enough to love me back?"

Lauren is visually surprised. Her eyes are wide and her mouth agape. She doesn't respond. She doesn't know how to. The only thing she could think was to crash her lips against Camilas, who wouldn't stop talking. She pulls away after barely two seconds. "I'm sorry...I-" She breathes. Their faces are still only a few centimeters apart.

Camila shushes her before leaning in once again. Their kisses are sloppy and soft. Then demanding and ravenous. Unable to catch a breath. Unable to think about anything else. Stumbling into the bedroom without so much as a second apart.Ripping their clothes off. Finally skin on skin.

There was no turning back now. Not that either of them tried to pull away. They couldn't seem to get close enough. Camila couldn't believe this was happening. She even cried. She couldn't believe that someone who actually cared for her was touching her body. She wanted it to last for eternity.

This is what she always wanted. What she always hoped for.

She thought this was it. That they would finally be happy.

But Camila wakes up that Sunday morning.

Alone and naked in Lauren's bed.

With nothing except more confusion than before.