Death of Me • Camren

Eleven

TW: Mention of drugs

...

It's been almost two months since the conversation in the kitchen. Now, summer was practically over and even though this was Southern California, Lauren could feel her mood brightening. It wasn't like Philadelphia where the air was crisp and it actually seemed like a different season, but it still made her feel sort of... alive.

Especially now, with her body on the grass and Kiara's head in her lap. She felt alive, and for once it wasn't because she was high.

She felt other things too though. Excitement and fear — and mostly guilt. A sort of remorse that plagued her insides. So strong and consuming she wanted to suck it out and replace it with a needle of heroin.

Most nights she could barely sleep, and some it was so bad it made her sick. But, that was probably just her deranged way of ridding herself of such disgust. It never really worked though; only made her feel worse. Out of control and just plain foolish because she couldn't quite pin point the reason.

Although deep down she wanted to blame Camila for springing the confession, she knew it was mainly internal. It was her feelings that were so scattered and misplaced it caused her to ignore Camila and continue seeing Kiara. She knew that what she felt so strongly for Camila was real. That she felt something.

She just couldn't figure out what it was.

Her emotions were nowhere near as solid and confident as Camila's. Because sometimes she wanted to kiss her and hold her and love her back, but other times Lauren didn't even want to look at her. And Camila deserved nothing but unconditional love.

So she took her uncertainty and settled it into something casual. Only sex and a few dates with other girls. And while this was only the third time she and Kiara hung out, she could see the need for more in her eyes. She saw it in her parent's and Julia and she could see it in Camila. Except no one else made her want to throw up because she knew she could cut them off at any moment. But with Camila she doesn't think it would be remotely easy.

"Lauren, did you hear me?" Kiara asks tilting her head and waving a hand up at her. Lauren blinks herself back to reality, revealing that she in fact did not hear her. "Huh? I'm sorry I was zoning out" she admits with an embarrassed sigh. A giggle and playful eyeball were her only response before repeating the question. "I asked if you wanted to stay and watch movies tonight. My roommates are gone again and I don't wanna be alone." There was that look again. The one that begged for something she didn't know she could give.

"I can't tonight. I have plans with my roommate but-" she takes Kiara's hand in hers to show her remorse. "Another time, ok?" She promises. Kiara nods understandingly, although she knows it would take at least a week for those plans to happen.

They sit on the grass for another hour. Laughing and talking about their lives. So caught up in conversation they barely touch the picnic Kiara brought, but when their "date" does come to an end Lauren always initiates their parting. She's stops it before it gets too comfortable because If there was anyone that deserved any sort of comfort, it was Camila. But the acknowledgment is short-lived. Lauren switches from adoration and acceptance to indifference and confusion once she gets home.

Tonight however, she was a bit braver. She stopped for dinner on the way and mentally prepared herself for whatever discussion came about. She doesn't think she's ready to admit anything, but she is willing to listen. Not hide in her room all night.