Quest Reviews (CLOSED FOR CATCH UP)

Nazeefa's review

During editing, look out for little spots where a comma could be added for better clarity. For example, at the end of Chapter 1B, you wrote: <And sure I loved what I was feeling.> This sentence is fine, however, a comma after the word ‘sure’ would help with the flow of the sentence. Like so: And sure, I loved what I was feeling. I’m being very picky with your punctuation but in fact, you haven’t got any major errors and your technical accuracy is actually excellent.

GRAMMAR:

Again, your grammar is very good. A few minor things. 

At the start of Chapter 2, you wrote: <a part of me yearned of letting him stay> which isn’t grammatically correct. It could be reworded to:

A part of me yearned for him to stay. Or, a part of me yearned to let him stay. Something along those lines would be a better fit. 

Around ¼ of the way through Chapter 2, you wrote: <Line kept disconnecting.> This is an incomplete sentence and should technically say: The line kept disconnecting. 

Around ⅓ of the way through Chapter 3, you wrote: <I ran away from home on my own free will.> This should be reworded to: ‘I ran away from home of my own free will.’ 

Near the end of Chapter 3, you wrote: <...which was no longer of my concern...> which I believe would be better worded as ‘which was no longer my concern.’

ADDITIONAL TECHNICALITIES:

At the start of Chapter 2 when Avery is trying to answer her important phone call, you use the same phrase twice which is only very slightly clumsy. You said: <I have to take this very important call in peace!> and then you said: <...he managed to eavesdrop on my very important phone call.> Just perhaps try changing one of the ‘important’s’ to a synonymical word such as ‘essential’ or ‘crucial’. This is, again, very picky of me, but your technical accuracy is so fabulous, there’s barely anything to fault! Well done.

Around ⅓ of the way through Chapter 2, you wrote: <By the time I finished, I took a quick shower to freshen up.> This implies that she took a shower whilst she was cleaning the broken glass. It might be better to reword this like so: Once I had finished, I took a quick shower to freshen up.

You’ve constantly maintained the past tense very well throughout your story. I just noticed a few instances where you slipped into present.

Near the end of Chapter 2, you wrote: <And the more his deep, slow exhales echo through my ears...> - it should say ‘echoed’ instead. 

At the start of Chapter 3, <like he’s sucking all the air from inside me.> - it should say ‘he was’. 

Half way through Chapter 3, you wrote: <...but from what I had just witnessed, he has changed big time.> It should be ‘he had changed’. 

Look out for these during editing and you should be fine. There are very few of them anyway. 😊

There was one paragraph just after the ‘echoed’ part where Avery is shouting at Nate about being rich and not needing him etc. I didn’t pick up on her anger in the first few lines. I imagined her to be saying it normally until I suspected around half way through that she was angry and then it was confirmed when you had the exclamation mark at the end of the sentence and then further began to talk about her <rage> and how she <lost control>. I just think this paragraph could be improved slightly by adding something at the start to show her anger - then the reader can imagine her fury as we are reading the paragraph. Something like this:

“Why would I want to be with an outsider?” I spat. “Nathan Trevmore...” etc. Just adding the simple ‘I spat’ makes a big difference, I believe. 

Overall, your technical accuracy is amazing! These sorts of minor things I suggested are easily fixed during editing and I was looking for very obscure stuff - but you sure know what you’re doing!

  

PLOT/FLOW/CHARACTERS:

Your plot so far is very interesting. I like the themes portrayed in the story and ideas coming through your writing. As I said, I love the style in which you write and your descriptions are pretty flawless. The detail in which you describe things and your imagery is so wonderful! There is very little to fault in this section - your pacing seems good so far and the dialogues are meaningful and well written. 

I’d only suggest trying to end your chapters in suspense or at least something a little more powerful to force the reader to continue reading the next chapter. You’ve done this really well at times - for example, chapters 1B, 2, 3 and 5. But I think the endings of chapters 1A and 4 could be stronger and leave the reader hanging for more. I also didn’t understand why chapters 1A and 1B were split into two and titled that way? Perhaps there’s a good reason for it which I couldn’t comprehend. 

There was one instance in your plot that I thought could be improved. When Avery’s parents offer for her to work in their restaurant and she instantly agrees, I feel like this is a little rushed and her thoughts could be expressed better here. Try and tell the reader about how she’s feeling, why did she accept the offer so quickly. It would help us understand her character better and what’s going on in her head.

Talking of characters, I love the way you built well rounded and a wide range of different characters. I really like the main character, Avery, and how you portray her as strong willed and determined to be independent. You’ve done a good job to present her as likeable to the reader. The parents and other minor characters are expressed well too. By far, I think the most interesting character is Nate - with his fluctuating personality and how you show his two changing sides from caring and protective to somewhat annoying and hostile. It’s such an amazing contrast and I love how you show Avery’s hesitancy towards him and her conflicting emotions. I have a feeling the character development is only going to improve as the story continues!

OVERALL ENJOYMENT:

Overall, I really enjoyed what I read so far. Once again, I apologise for not reading as many chapters as I promised. Your strengths are definitely your writing style and descriptions - they seem to come so naturally to you and you’re really good at bringing the reader into your world and allowing us to connect with your characters. Your technical accuracy is also very impressive and a lot better than most stories on Wattpad; I only noticed a few minor things that can easily be sorted! If you focussed on some of the aspects I’ve mentioned, I think your already amazing book can be improved to an even better level. You’re a very talented writer and the ideas and skill shining through your writing is inevitable. I know you’re going to go far! 

I hope this review has been useful - let me know if there’s any part of this review you don’t quite understand or don’t agree with and I am more than happy to have a further discussion. Also, don’t hesitate to PM me if you ever need any more advice or support, whether it be in the next few weeks or the next few months - I’m always available to help!

Good luck on your writing journey and I wish you all the very best! ❤️