Sugar // Marliza

24

- Eliza -

Time in hospitals feels like it moves infinitely slower than time anywhere else in the world. Minutes dragged by in what felt like hours, and I felt waves of anxiety crashing over me every time I checked the time and still didn't have an update on Alex.

I knew they had to pump his stomach and probably give him stitches on his arms, and that they had to let him wake up and have all his vitals in a good place. I just needed to see him and talk to him and remind him how much we need him and love him.

Everything is just really struggling to sink in for me. I don't think I will ever get the image of Alex half-dead on his bedroom floor out of my mind. I'll never forget the pills on the floor or the blood seeping through his shirt. If we lost him... I don't know what I would do. I don't know how I could function knowing that my best friend in the world was gone because I didn't pick up the phone a little sooner.

I stared blankly forward, my hand in Maria's as her and John made occasional conversation. I felt so conflicted right now. I wanted to stay here, sitting in this chair, waiting for the second Alex woke up so I could talk to him. But at the same time, I needed to get out of here. It felt like something was crushing me and I needed to shake it off, walk around, distract myself until they needed me back.

I felt the anxiety of the situation pressing against me again and suddenly felt myself pushing up out of my chair, running my probably dirty hands through my hair as John and Maria gave me some fairly-worried looks.

"I just need to... I gotta get out of here. Take a walk or something. Can someone just call me when there's an update or anything? I won't be gone long, it's just that I'm like, really freaking out and I don't need a panic attack in a hospital waiting room." I told them, being fully honest. John began to nod but Maria spoke up.

"Sweetheart, are you sure that's the best idea? Do you want someone to come with you, is it a good idea to be alone?" She asked. I shrugged.

"I'll be okay. I won't go far and I have my phone on me, and it's charged this time. Don't worry about me. I'll be back soon." I said. Maria stood up to give me a quick kiss and looked at me helplessly as I rushed myself out of the doors. I felt bad leaving her, but I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't take the bright lights and the smell of hand sanitizer and that squeaky plastic covered chair anymore.

I felt selfish with how much I was hating the hospital. I felt selfish for having to leave and for being so torn up about Alex when John was holding himself together so much better, and he was Alex's boyfriend. I abandoned him and Maria and disconnected from the world when it was the most important time for me to be connected.

I sighed as I walked through the streets of NYC. It was the early-early morning now, a lot different than the pitch black skies in the middle of the night when I called the ambulance. The sun as slowly moving up, a dim sunrise casting the streets in an early morning glow. There weren't a ton of people out just yet, but some early morning joggers and stiff looking businessmen passed by every once in a while.

I found myself wandering back to the café, almost laughing to myself because of how Alex-like I felt right now. Feeling pretty much as awful as I could be feeling and I was ending up at work. That sounds just like him, doesn't it?

I could see a couple of our openers inside, bustling around to get everything ready for the breakfast rush that would be coming in just a bit. I didn't open the door and go inside, and while I peeked through the windows, I made sure nobody saw me.

I was pretty sure that I was on the schedule for today, to work the afternoon shift and help the kitchen out. I knew I wouldn't be showing up, and neither would Maria, though I didn't think she was working today. The good thing about being your own boss is you can call off whenever you need to, and no one can tell you no.