Sadly Mistaken

Greeted by Reality

Chapter 19

[Greeted by Reality]

No one ever expects their parent to die. Even when the signs are surrounding you, denial is the stronger emotion. I walk around my house, waiting for my dad to show up around the corner. He never does. I walk into my parents room from time to time, expecting to see my dad making the bed, or getting himself ready. Instead, I see a dark room with only one side of the bed used and an empty closet.

The house is silent. Mom makes funeral arrangements, Meg calls all the relatives and family friends to tell them the news, and I lock myself in my room. Bree calls but I don't answer. Dean calls but I don't answer. I know I should answer but I'm just not ready yet. I need to find the right words to even describe how I feel before I open up.

He can't be dead. Last year we went on vacation together as a family. Everything was normal. At least I thought it was. Now I can't even walk downstairs to see my family without crying. I know this is unhealthy, I just don't feel ready to face reality. My dad appears in my dreams like he was never gone. My subconscious has yet to process this loss as real. There is a part of me in the back of my mind that doesn't want me to process this as real just yet. In my dreams I'm happy, blissfully unaware of what lies outside my subconscious.

I still go to school every day. I can't say I pay attention though. My mom thinks doing so will keep my grades from slipping. My teachers look at me with pity. Grief websites say this will happen for a while. I can't take much more of it. I go to work more, hoping that keeping myself busy will cure my restless mind. Usually it works, until I get home and I'm greeted by reality.

Bree and Dean sit with me at lunch everyday. They don't always have the right words to say, but their presence means more than anything. They bring up various topics to talk about throughout the lunch period. Sometimes it feels like they brainstormed together the night before to figure out what to say. I know they want me to talk about how I'm feeling but I just can't bring myself to say the words without feeling vulnerable.

Dean feels guilty. I can see it in his eyes by the way he looks at me. I was with him when my dad passed, and he blames himself for me not being there with my dad in his last moments. I don't blame him at all, in any way. I blame myself for not spending more time with my dad when I had the chance. I blame myself for not treasuring the moments I had with my dad while he was healthy. Nothing feels fair. I feel cheated.

The funeral arrives fast. It feels odd to be so openly vulnerable in front of everyone. I sit in between Meg and Hayden in the family in the section for family. Dean sits in my view, giving me reassuring looks. I wish he could hold me in his arms until this was all over. As soon as the service is over, I walk straight to Dean. He opens his arms wide and I bury my face in his chest. He kisses the top of my head as I nuzzle my head in his shirt. It's the best I've felt the whole day.

Once everything is over, and the day comes to a close, I head home with Dean. We sit together in the living room, as he converses with both my siblings and helps my mom clean up dinner. A part of me just can't help from smiling. I slowly start to drift to sleep on the couch, with my head leaning on Dean's shoulder.