Feelings - A Hosie Story

Chapter 15 - "Find the Strength to keep moving"

Hope and Lizzie stay on the floor, crying uncontrollably. In simple words, Hope feels as though someone has ripped her heart out, stomped on it, torn it to pieces, and scattered it.

It has happened again.

Someone she cares about deeply cares about, has lost their life.

She's gone.

Josie is gone.

And Hope can't take it.

That's when a gush of wind hits her from behind and the door swings open.

"Is everything okay I could hear you from the-" Mrs. Forbes-Salvatore asks. She looks down at her tearful daughter, then at Hope. Caroline recognizes the broken looks on their face. They are looss of heartbreak, of loss.

"Mom...I-It's Josie. She-She's gone." Lizzie cries. Caroline lifts a hand to cover her mouth as her head shakes in denial.

This can't be happening. That's what Caroline thinks. It just can't.

Yet it is. It's happened. Josie's gone.

The woman kneels next to the two girls, hugging them closely.

"I'm gonna text your father...tell him to come here." She says. Alaric needs to know.

"I'm so sorry, Mrs Forbes-Salvatore," Hope says between sniffles.

"Don't say that as if it is your fault. And how many times do I tell you...It's Caroline." The blonde woman responds, forcing a laugh at the end. The poor attempt at humor is a clear attempt to distract from what is, or well has, happened.

Hope's tears keep falling, falling, falling...

They keep trailing down her face when Alaric comes in when they tell him the news. He cries too, having lost another person important to him.

Shortly after, he shares the news with the rest of the staff at the school, before returning to Hope's room to find the others in a mess. None of them want to be alone. Yet none of them really speak much. All of them are still in some sort of shock, denial, or something in between. The only times they leave are to get some food and water. Every now and then Alaric gives both Hope and Lizzie a fatherly type of look, as if to check if they are okay. They both give the same kind of look back, all of them knowing that none of them will be okay for a while after this, maybe even ever.

He gives them a pass on classes for a few days, allowing a period to grieve. Hope thinks it is needed.

The odd few memories of Josie are tossed around the room that day. All are happy, yet none of them come from Hope. She can hardly find the words to speak as it is, so to talk about the very person she has lost, only mere hours ago, is a challenge she's not quite ready to face.

Hope goes through several emotions and feelings. One of the main ones is sadness. Regret creeps in too. The regret that she feels for not being honest with Josie about her feelings. Maybe, just maybe if Hope had had the confidence, she and Josie would be...something. Something more than they were.

But that is wishful thinking. And Hope knows it.

Curfew comes around quicker than expected. Alaric and Caroline leave to ensure that the rest of the students are going to bed. Lizzie hasn't left, only moved to be more comfortable at Hope's desk. She's been staring at Hope's mirror, and the picture attached to it (several including Josie) for ages. That is until she spins around.

"Hey, Hope? Ummm...I-Do you think I could still stay in your room tonight? It's just I don't think I can go back to our-my room after today. I-I know I'll have to go there for clothes and stuff tomorrow, but I just can't right now." Hope hadn't expected her to ask that, although she can't say she blames her. Hope thinks she'd do the same thing had the positions been reversed. Not that her room is much better. It is still filled with memories and pictures of Josie. But at least this way, neither of them has to be alone.

"Sure." Hope wears a brave smile. "You can have my bed...I'll take the floor." She offers, as she always does whenever people stay offer.

"Hope I don't mind sharing. But I must warn you, I have been known to move a lot in my sleep. Josie and I would-" Lizzie cuts herself off, thinking that the end of the sentence may bring more hurt than it's worth. "Sorry. I don't think either of us wants to think of her right now."

"It's fine Lizzie. She was your sister. It's okay to talk about her."

"But what about you? It's obviously hitting you pretty hard too."

"Yeah well...she was just starting to be my friend again...But I guess nothing good lasts forever...at least not for me." Hope mumbles, picturing all of the moments she and Josie have shared over recent weeks in her head. When she feels herself getting emotional, she decides now is a great time to get ready for bed. "Uhhh...I'm gonna do my teeth ready for bed. You can take whichever side you want."

Hope walks to her bathroom door and is pulling it open-

"Hey, Hope?" She turns around. Lizzie's sat down on the left side of the bed. "I know it hasn't even been a day yet, but I just...does it ever get easier?" She asks. Hope crosses her arms, carefully planning out an answer. She wants to tell Lizzie that it does, that eventually you're able to move on with your life and you stop thinking about the person you lost as much, but that's not true.

"I wish I could say that it does. I wish I could tell you that after a certain amount of time, you learn to live with it, that you accept it. But, I mean for me, there hasn't been a day since I lost either of my parents that I haven't thought about them. I know that Josie won't be any different. There'll be days when you'll wake up and think of her non-stop. There'll be times when you see a person wearing a yellow shirt in town or see a pretty flower and all it does is remind you of her. It'll break your heart. And then there'll be other days where you feel completely numb. And somehow, you have to find the strength to keep moving, because you know that is what she would want." Lizzie nods, not having a response. Hope then goes back to what she had been planning on doing.

By the time she finishes her tasks in the bathroom, Lizzie has fallen asleep. Hope prays that it will be easy for her to do the same. So, she lies down and closes her eyes. Behind those eyelids, she sees flashes of memories. Some of the happiest moments, and it's not for the first time this day. She sees the movie night she and Josie had, how they cuddled up to each other, and how nice it felt to have Josie so close. Hope remembers how she had helped Josie after she'd gotten drunk at the party. Or how she'd started teaching Josie how to paint. And she thinks of how she'll never get to give Josie the painting she made for her.

All of this, this walk down memory lane, starts up the waterworks. Hope cries, and keeps crying until she thinks there aren't any more tears left. She does so silently, so as to not wake Lizzie. Eventually, it manages to tire her out and she drifts off.