Sin (BoyxBoy) (Ziam)

Together

Another update!

I will be posting soon about a contest idea I have going on, and I really hope you guys will be excited to participate.

TRIGGER WARNING: suicidal thoughts, mentions of sexual abuse, and mentions of numbness. Please read carefully, love, and know that I am always here to talk if you need it. ❤

Also, one of my lovely readers, ChokinOnDatChicken informed me of a reddit community dedicated to helping anyone needing support with their sexual assault experiences. r/sexualassaultsupport

Please, if you need those resources, use them. If you are still unsure or afraid to talk about it in a community like that, again, I am always here, loves.

Take care and enjoy this chapter. ❤

Chapter 50:

I slowly blinked open my eyes, noting that the world still seemed a bit dark outside. It must've been close to sunrise, the light barely glowing on the bottom edges of the blinds like the softest halo.

I felt Liam stir in my arms, and I looked down at him, seeing the way he was leaning his whole body against my chest. His face was pressed against my shoulder, small puffs of air escaping his slightly parted lips. He looked at peace in his sleep, and I wondered what he dreamt of. I found myself hoping his dreams were nothing but pleasant. He deserves that.

He was so beautiful.

I admired every little thing about Liam from the way his hair was soft and messy atop his head as he slept to the way his eyebrows furrowed as he dreamed. I admired the way his lips would mumble words out, their pink being of the most lovely shade. I admired how his eyelashes would flutter every now and then, as if he was on the brink of waking up. Even when he was awake, I found countless things to admire about him. I've spent my whole life admiring him from afar, thinking of him as a piece of art in a museum with a sign forbidding anybody's touch; forbidding my touch.

So I could only stare at him and notice every little feature and habit. I noticed the small things: the way his nose would scrunch up when he was disgusted by something or displeased, the way his eyes would shine when he knew something in class or that others didn't, and the way he would lightly tap his pencil against the side of his desk when he was nervous during an essay, as if his writing could ever be bad. But I also noticed the more obvious things like how he shut himself out from the rest of the world, how he always thought twice before speaking, and how he never, ever complained even when he was getting the short end of the stick.

He didn't even complain for years as I made his life a living hell.

I felt my throat tighten, and I twitched as I held Liam, my arms feeling heavy and constricting around him. But I reminded myself of what he said the night before. It shouldn't feel wrong to touch him, and it didn't. It felt like belonging.

I pressed a kiss to Liam's forehead before I looked up at the ceiling, thinking about my mum. She was constantly on my mind, and I wondered if she was always watching me, trying to guide me. I wondered if she was happy with who I was slowly becoming or if she judged me for the things I have done.

Sometimes I didn't know if I wanted her to be there at all.

I was ashamed of who I was and how terribly I acted. I knew that she would be deeply disappointed in the fact that I allowed all of my hatred and anger control me. I became like him. I became a monster, and I hurt the one person I never wanted to hurt.

I didn't want to think about her seeing how my father hurt me. How he used me, and how I was useless to stop him. All of the thoughts made me feel shameful.