Finding Abby

23

Ben nods and I recognise this as being his way of rallying himself up for whatever he's going to say next.

"Matty spoke to me before the Silent Moth gig. He told me that they'd ... slept together. It was when he handed the keys back to me. He kind of joked it off as if it was no big deal except that ..."

Ben swallows and I reach over to him and squeeze his hand where it's resting on the table. I want him to keep talking and I want to feel connected to him because what he's telling me is something I would never have thought I would ever know. Annoying tears prick in the corners of my eyes when I speak and I blink them away. I want him to know I'm solid - that I'm not going to freak out or run off crying like a little kid any more. "I'm ready for whatever. I ... I get this is hard for you too."

Ben shifts his eyes to mine. "Jenna, your dad told me that Abby had been upset afterwards and that ... she wasn't into it ... into having sex. I think he wanted me to joke around with him. Make him feel better." Ben shifts his eyes away behind my head then looks directly back at me. "I wasn't happy with the way he spoke about her. He'd do that a lot, actually. Joke about her, put her down a little, you know? He did that with everyone though. But that conversation, that morning ... he sounded insensitive, selfish, maybe. Detached from someone he was supposed to love and who clearly loved him. I was upset for Abby too - for being naive and, I guess, helpless. But most of all I was angry at him for telling me this. What was I supposed to do with that information?"

I stare at him. I'm not sure if I should say what I'm thinking — that I'm glad my dad told him what happened — because even though my dad may have been a bit of an arsehole, if he hadn't told Ben, then I would be here, eighteen years later, still wondering.

"Ben," I ask with my voice a bit shaky, "if you were my dad that night, what would you have done?"

Even though he still looks distant and reflective, Ben's eyes get some of their warmth back. "I don't know, Jenna," he says, "I don't know what I would have done when I was eighteen but looking back now, I would hope ... I would have had some compassion. I would hope I would have been ... kinder."

I drop my eyes at his honesty. All I can think about is what happened between me and Finn in the van and how different everything could have been for me if Finn hadn't been Finn. I picture Finn's smiling eyes the next morning and how reliable and grounded he's been beside me this whole time. And like Ben, I'm angry at Dad for joking about it. But I'm agonising more over Mum in her hopelessness and loneliness. I can't even begin to think how terrible she must have felt that night, and how heartbroken she was.

She has been heartbroken for so long.

I'm angry at myself because it's taken me so long to find her and understand her.

"Are you okay, Jenna?" Ben asks in a murmur. "This is the first time I've seen you so quiet."

I rub my fingers across my eyes and smile at him as I blink my tears away. He looks blurry but I can see he's looking at me with that careful concentration as if he's worried he's broken me.

"It's a lot to take in. Thank you for sharing. You know how you said my dad was incredible? Well, you're incredible too, Ben. Honestly."

Ben gives me a smile that looks kind of sheepish. At least, his cheeks go a little pink. "We can keep talking," he says. "Now. Or whenever you want. But it is your birthday and I want to show you your present. Are you ready?"

I grin at him and rub my eyes again because all the emotions are real today. "I'm ready," I say with a wavery voice.

"Pass me your laptop."

I raise my eyebrow at him and slide my computer over to him.

Intriguing.

Ben opens his Gmail and downloads a file to my computer.