An open letter to my first, first love
To be honest, I was never a fan nor a believer of marriage.
I find it very vague. To be tied down to someone, to start a family, and to live the rest of your life with someone— it was all such a blur to me.
Growing up, I've been around women who never chose to settle down. A few of my relatives, mainly my aunts, never chose to marry or have kids. That doesn't really mean they weren't allowed to have boyfriends, though. They did, in fact, everyone in the family knew of their partners. They weren't just legally "official", if that is what you call it.
Being around those people made me think that maybe, marrying and having kids isn't really required. Getting married, having a family, those factors don't really define me as a woman. And so, I never really longed to have one.
However,
Meeting you, I've never felt this feeling before.
Experiencing first hand and witnessing how ideal and how wonderful it was to love someone and be with them for the rest of your lives— you made me feel that maybe meeting a man like you wasn't so bad.
Growing up, I'd always tell myself. If I were to marry someone, I wanted him to be just like you.
I wanted him to have the same kind of humor like you, to have the same hobbies, the same personality, and to have the same love and warmth as you do. Because no one came close to how much I loved you.
I slowly came to absorb your hobbies and your favorites. I was technically a carbon copy of you. You influenced a great part of me and I wouldn't be who I am now if it weren't for you.
Because God knows,
That you were the very first man I've loved the moment I was born and I was probably one of the luckiest person alive to be able to call you dad.
I've seen how much determination and sacrifices you've laid out for me and our entire family. I've seen how much care and love you've continuously poured onto us and I slowly promised myself while growing up that someday, I'd be able to return everything you've provided me with.
I remembered when I was 3 and sleepy, you'd carry me with the bottle of milk in my hands and sing a very familiar tune. I wasn't really getting sleepy when you hummed it to me but it always comforted me and always made me feel safe. It wasn't the humming that lulled me to sleep, it was how safe and warm I felt in your arms every time you put me to sleep.
When I was 4, you guys made a difficult decision of migrating abroad in order to work. I was barely conscious of my thoughts and I wondered why you had to leave.
I was four but I clearly remember every night, I'd open the window and ask in the distance, with tear stained eyes, why you had to leave. I'm now 19 and I knew why you had to do that. But I wish I knew better when I was 4.
When I was 5, you came back with great news. We were coming with you. It wasn't easy, financially that is.
You weren't really established yet at that time and barely provided with our daily expenses but nonetheless, we lived a very happy and simple life. I remember getting so excited every time you come home with a new CD of a cartoon or a children's movie. And every time you ask me to come with you to the movie store, I was the most excited little kid because I get to choose the next show me and my sister get to watch.
When I was 7, I remember saving up every week so that I could give you the money I saved in order to buy me a KFC meal. I was greatly fond of that.
And since you worked in a toy shop, we were guaranteed free toys every Christmas and every birthdays and I'd always remember how excited I was for me to receive the toy I wanted that year.
I never even noticed that I was slowly growing up from the one naive toddler to a moody teenager. Nothing changed, though. Our movie nights with rental CDs are upgraded with frequent movie dates over in the cinema every time a good movie comes out. I was the only person in the family who ever adopted that interest in movie of yours. We'd sometimes catch the last full show and we'd come home at 2 in the morning with smiles stretching from ear to ear.
Nothing changed though. I still wanted to meet a man like you, marry a man like you. I was already 16 but my heart remained at 5. Where we were happy as a family.
However, everyday, I wish I was back at age 5. Where everything felt simple and happy.
Because at age 18, I never knew I'd experience the worst heart break in my entire life. It wasn't the first, but it was by far the most heart breaking experience I've been through. And it had to be done by you.
The man I always looked up and loved, broke my heart in thousands of ways wherein I can no longer find the way to fix it again.
Every man in the world almost felt too cruel.
Because at age 5, you were too perfect to be true. I thought that maybe there was someone out there who can stand on equal as you. That if I were lucky enough, I'd encounter someone like you.
My hopes and dream when I was 5 all shattered when I found out what you've done.
In that exact moment, the only thing I knew was to build a wall high enough that no man can ever climb. I was growing numb to the pain and I only wanted to run away.
I was in a state of shock and denial. I never wanted to accept my reality, a reality you've given me and my family. You weren't the person I've admired for so long. You weren't that person I looked for in someone else. I refused to believe that the my first, first love, who was my father, ended up hurting me and his family with the most cruel way as possible.
It was hard to accept that I was no longer 5.
I was 18, living everyday with the scar and trauma you've left in me.
That maybe love is too vague, that marriage and family is merely a fairytale. Every love and care you showered me feels too far away, like maybe I was dreaming a nightmare and now, I've finally woken up.
At age 19,
A part of my soul died together with what you did.
At age 19,
I get to live with the scars in my heart while I drag myself to heal.
Because everything that happened at age 5 feels too far away. Feels surreal. That maybe, my first, first love was bound to be my greatest heart break.
God knows.
That at age 19, I haven't really aged at all. In my mind and in my heart, I'm stuck at age 5. Where everything was simple and everyone was happy. Where life felt full and your hugs felt warm.
Because God knows,
That at age 19, I'd rather be stuck at 5.
An open letter to my first, first love, to my greatest heart break, and to my dad.
