Finding Abby

15

He is so much more than I can ever be.

He is so much of everything.

It's crazy. Is this love? I feel like I have to be around him every second, every nano second, every iota of a nano second. I feel sick when I'm not with him. Sick with love when I'm with him. I don't want to share him with anyone and all I want to do is continue where we left off last night. Where his fingers are on my bare skin and we're lying close, staring at each other and I'm trying to deal with how beautiful he is.

Mara is shitty with me. Probably because I told her I didn't want to go to Rave with her this weekend because I'm going to Matty's to hang out. I feel really bad but I don't even want to study with Ben at the library. I haven't done any of my essays. I've missed so many classes. I can't concentrate on anything. I hate Matty's boss for making him go to work. And when Claire hangs out in the lounge room with us and steals his attention away from me, I hate her too—

I have to stop reading because my voice starts to shake. I lift my eyes from Mum's scrawled handwriting. Finn's slumped low next to me on the couch with his socked feet resting on the coffee table. Claire faces me on the other side with her legs crossed. She's ready to grab me in case I lose it again. Paddy's down for his mid-morning nap.

"Oh, Jenna," Claire sighs and puts her hand on mine and gazes at me with heavy eyes.

***

After bawling my eyes out on Claire's fancy gym clothes, I'd taken a shower and Claire lent me some tracksuit pants and a t-shirt that are like clouds on my skin. Claire put our clothes in the washing machine and Finn had whispered to me how good they were going to smell when they came out.

Claire is truly amazing. Finn had his shower and then Claire let him take Paddy in the pram for a walk down to the park. After they left, Claire sat me down on the couch with a cup of tea. I tucked my knees into my chest and hugged the mug of tea between my palms with my eyes stinging and sore from crying. I was a bit lightheaded and strange but I'm okay now – it's like the lighthouse beam has turned off, the sun's risen and I can see land in the distance. Claire let me just breathe for a while. It was weird having the picture of my dad right in front of me, knowing I didn't have to look for him in the faces of strangers anymore.

Claire told me he died in 1992.

They were twins.

I can't stop staring at her to see him in her features and movements.

Then the front door had opened and Finn was back with Paddy.

"Someone managed to crap his dacks on the walk," Finn had yelled down the hall, "and it wasn't me."

Claire put a smile on before she folded herself off the couch, knelt down and spread her arms wide to let Paddy run into them.

***

Claire goes to put Paddy down for a morning nap. I put Mum's journal to the side and Finn comes and sits next to me. He's so good. Doesn't ask anything or force anything. Just presses his fingers to mine and checks I'm okay.

Claire goes to a cupboard and brings out her old photo albums. She piles them up on the coffee table in front of us. The plastic that covers the pictures is stuck to gluey pages and each page she turns reveals photos that start to fill in the gaps in my head about my dad. One faded, blurry photo is of two little kids wearing little denim overalls with big pink love hearts sewn to the front.

"His name was Matthew. Matty." Claire points to the child on the left with her manicured nail then she looks at me with the same eyes as mine. The same eyes as his. My dad's eyes. "Well, Matthew James Ellis to be precise. He made sure people knew his middle name."