have it all (l.h)

"you're my favorite candidate"

"I know..." she sighed before getting up from her spot and moving toward me. "Part of me realizes that you're not the only reason I'm hesitant, though. That's why I'm talking all of this nonsense."

"What else is going on?" I asked as she sat down beside me.

"The thought of living with Howie full time terrifies me. This is my safe space, you know? I know I spend the majority of my time with him, but I can always come home and be with you instead."

"Mads... you can still always come over when you need," I promised her and realized she had become emotional. "I would be such a shit friend if I didn't encourage you to take a new step in your relationship, you know? I'm sure it's normal to be hesitant to move in with your significant other. I can't imagine doing that."

"What if living together is what makes us hate each other?" Madalyn asked me, tears brimming her eyes. I let out a soft chuckle, not because I was making fun of her but because I genuinely thought her anxieties just showed that she cared a lot about their relationship, and about Howie.

"Maddy, could you ever hate Howie?"

"I mean... I don't think so, but what if that's not mutual?" I sighed sadly before turning toward her completely.

"Howie loves you a scary amount, Mads. You mean everything to him and if he finally got the courage to ask you to move in, it's because all he wants is to continue to grow with you." Madalyn's lips curled once again and I knew she was trying to fight her insecurities, so my words were clearly helping. "You can't let your fears stop you," I told her, loosely quoting my mother from earlier today which was pretty lousy of me.

So what if I was a hypocrite? I could live with that.

"But I can't just move out," Madalyn said as she looked around our living room. "I love it here... and I love you."

"I love you too, dummy," I laughed before placing my head on her shoulder. "But maybe moving out would be good for you. I mean, think about how nice it would be to cut out so much travel? And not having to constantly plan your life around when I'm home..." I laughed quietly but that only made Madalyn's face screw up with sadness.

"But I love having to do that," Madalyn told me which caused my eyes to playfully roll. "I would worry about you so much. You'd only eat snickerdoodles, cereal, and microwavable popcorn."

"I am capable of taking care of myself, Madalyn," I told her distastefully as she began to laugh. "This would be great for me." Madalyn suddenly wrapped her arms around me and squeezed me tight. I smiled at the action and hugged her back. "I would probably have to move out of here soon, though. I mean, this place is too big for one person... and too expensive."

"That's another reason I don't want to move out—I know how much you love this apartment. I don't want you to give it up."

"There's plenty of apartments in the sea," I said, disregarding the logic of the original phrase. "I can't be a large factor in your decision." Madalyn and I had pulled away from each other and she was sitting with her lower lip between her teeth, seeming conflicted.

"You should talk to Howie about why you're hesitant—you know he'd be up for talking it through and making sure you felt assured that it would be a good decision. You've never hidden your feelings from him, so don't start now."