Mine

Chapter 2:

“Don’t throw yourself away. Hold on for a moment, intertwine our pinkies and promise me now.”

“Hey, promise me, that we’ll be together forever.”

“I promise!”

Goofy smiles dancing on our faces, wrapping our pinkies tight around each other, laughing and dancing around, as if no one was watching. I can see that sparkle in your eye, the same one in mine. The one that could outshine a million stars. Back then, I didn't think or know much, all I knew was that I was happy. I was happy to be alive, to be with you. Smiling and laughing and dancing all day, no stopping. But now, life is more of a curse, than a blessing. I wish life would be sweeter. I miss those days when I didn't have to smile with having to cover the skin I had bitten or having to cover my dry skin. I miss the days where the smiles were actually real, and it wasn't me faking my happiness. I miss the unbroken me. I miss the sunny days, and the sparkling nights. I miss the old me.

But it's all just a distant memory, stored in the back of my memory. I would give up anything to go back to that memory, enter into the deep realms of my real happiness, find some inner peace. Because right now, there is a war going on inside of me, one that has been going on for more than three years, and I don't know what to do anymore.

The mask is the only thing covering the inner war and all the mess I put myself in. I just need to remember that the world is not responsible for my tears. I know it's not. But sometimes it can be too much for me to handle. I need to forget about it, ignore it. It's all I can do.

My only remedy, my only drug is BTS. It's the only drug I’ll ever need, and it isn't a bad one. It just takes off a bit of the pressure. And I guess not having to feel as much pain, as I did is better than feeling the weight of the whole world put up on me. It helps, but I don't know if it will be enough, because nothing lasts.

And I know it won't. It's not going to be enough, not after what happened. You ask why do the best people leave first. When you walk into a garden which flower do you pick first? The most beautiful one.

We think we are strong enough to let people make promises to us, but once they break them and toss it away as if it’s nothing, something inside you breaks. Promises are just empty words people say, taking advantage of your trust, to satisfy your ego, just to break it later. Rejection is always better than fake promises. I wish life could be perfect, but it isn’t. It never will be.

But one thing I know for sure is that my heart is made of false hope and empty promises…