Arcane's Critique Shop 2.0

Review 37

Critique made by: superhbal

Book: Time Capsule
Author: wrynonimous

[Using my comprehension and knowledge, I will be 100% honest about my critic.]

🎀 TITLE:

It sounds like the readers will go inside your mind full of fictitious escapades. As for me, I've already knew it was all about time travel. There's nothing wrong about your title. I find it wholesome and at the same time, twisted and deep.

🎀 BOOK COVER:

I have nothing against the book cover. The title is visibly seen. The book seems to have a quote and that's fine for an author and for your readers. I'm not a book cover expert, but you might want to ask someone to deliver their comments about your book covers.

🎀 DESCRIPTION:

Simple and comprehensible. Using simple words tend to catch the eyes of the audiences. However, I noticed some incorrect grammars you've written. Plus, sentence construction is a must for aspiring writers. You also need to choose the most appropriate words you will write. Sometimes, inappropriate words do not suit with the building sentences.

Here's your paragraph:

"While living peacefully, he will met Andromeda, a time traveller from the past, who was cursed to have the ability of seeing a glimpse of the future and can cease a natural phenomena."

And then, this should be:

While living peacefully, HE MET (it should be this 'coz "will" and "met" is not meant for each other. "Will" expresses the future tense, while "met" is a past tense of the word "meet".) Andromeda, a time traveller from the past, who was cursed to have the ability TO SEE ("Of seeing" isn't appropriate for the sentenece you built. The word "ability" means showing skill and it is always paired with preposition "to".) a glimpse of the future and CEASE a natural phenomena. (remove "can" 'coz you already used the word "ability".)

All in all, for fantasy-romance lovers, it'll be eye-catching for your wholesome plot. I loved the names you used for your characters 'Comet' and 'Andromeda', it seems like you are fond of astronomy. I conclude that Andromeda might leave Comet in the end maybe because of the time capsule? I don't know, but for sure you'll hurt your readers at the end of your story.

🎀 CONTENT:

Good that you included a disclaimer at the first part of your story. Before everything, let's start with the prologue.

Writers have different ways of writing prologues, but for you, you chose to write it in a simple way as well, just like your description. I've seen prologues like this before, like for example, Yanajin's MHIAMB's prologue is much like this. But telling you, your prologue isn't formal enough to call it a "prologue".

Some prologues are ignored for their nonessential. Formal prologues start with revealing some of the progatonist's mindset and actions, but I won't blame you for choosing your own way of writing a prologue. It just sounds like you just expanded the description and wrote it as your prologue.

Alright, then next is the flow of your story. I like the way you started your story.

Bumawi ka sa first chapter, e. You already gave a hint in that part, when Andy noticed her tattoo. Plus, I also love how you narrate and describe things (example of it was her tattoo). I don't see anything wrong with that, you just made it so perfect for me. One thing that amazes me more is you connected Andy's dream to her tattoo, making upcoming scenes arrive perfectly. Additionally, I like Andy's character being so forgiving. Being the good girl that she is, if something bad happens to her, she doesn't deserve it.

Pansin ko rin na you have word limits in writing your story. I think your first chapter consists of 2000-3000 or more words?

Arriving to the next chapters, it shows Andy's beginning of adventure. Though fantasy isn't my forte, natutuwa ako na may process kang sinusulat kung papaano ma-activate ni Andy iyong spell. You even showed an example, which is kulog, kidlat at ulan.

You even made it more complicated because of the curse. Now that Andy's under a curse, she need not to be in love. The story's getting deeper and deeper even from the beginning. Mas pinakomplika mo pa noong kinuha ang buhay ni Tatay Ben. Isn't it a bit tragic from the start? If you're gonna write a tragic start, the chapters should be exceeding 30+.

🎀 TECHNICALITIES:

I'd like to be honest. Correct grammar and figurative languages are needed to make the story bloom. I've noticed most of your tagalog and english grammars aren't correct.

》 Rin at Din.

Kailangan ito kung magsusulat ka ng purong tagalog na talata o pangungusap. Ang raw at rin ay ginagamit kung ang sinusundang salita nito ay patinig (a, e, i, o, u) o malapatinig (y at w). Kapag daw at din naman ang gagamitin mo, nagtatapos sa katinig.

Halimbawa:

• IkaW RIN ba ay nag-aaral sa pribadong paaralan?

• AkO RIN ay mag-aaral sa pribadong paaralan

• MinsaN DIN akong lumiban sa klase.

》Nang at Ng.

Sa Filipino, ang NG ay ginagamit kapag ang isusunod mong salita ay pangngalan. Ang NANG naman ay ginagamit sa mga pandiwa. Kadalasan naman sa mga pang abay.

Halimbawa:

• Bumili ako NG tinapay. (pangngalan)

• Bukas NANG umaga. (pang abay)

• Tumakbo siya NANG tumakbo. (pandiwa)

Also, I've noticed some of your incorrect english grammars, like when you're using the word "did" or "didn"t", the next verb shouldn't be in past tense.

Example:

• Did you use the spell (not did you used the spell).

Aside from that, I noticed that you're using two dots (..) at the end of the sentences. Two dots aren't considered formal in writing a story. Kung gagamit ka ng ellipsis, it should be three dots. (...)

🎀 MESSAGE FROM THE CRITIC:

I guess that's all I can say. I hope you accept my critique wholeheartedly. I look forward to the progress of your story. Keep on writing and keep negativity away from you. God bless you always.