Welcome to Arcane's Critique Shop version 2.0!
"Critiques are perceptions."
√ Offers constructive criticisms and feedbacks.
√ Giving suggestions, corrections and advices to your work.
√ Neatness, Formality, Grammar are all a must.
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[Note: Not a pro, but hoping you will take everything positively.]
🎀 TITLE & BOOK COVER:
Wala akong problema sa title and the book cover was radiating a fantasy vibe. Just have a little problem with the line above, it should be just one more glimpse or just another glimpse.
🎀 BLURB:
Well first, you neglect to capitalize the starting letter of your paragraph plus the proper nouns as well.
It's good that you dropped outline about the flow of the story.
But, let's arrange some lines that you might want to consider.
The line: whatshe didn't know up to her life. - It wasn't written well, nor it fit to the sentence. The term those words was also repeated. I would suggest you to revise this one, there are other words you can add to make it more pleasing to read. I know you can.
The line: hindi niya na namalayan na sa isang iglap blah blah. - You stated before that she found out, (the upper part) meaning she was already aware that she's a princess. Kaya namalayan meaning awareness, consciousness and etc does not fit. I think you mean, hindi niya inaasahan, implying she wasn't anticipating such changes.
The line: ordinary boy and the princess till end needs revision. - The term 'commoner' is also applicable rather than ordinary.
🎀 PROLOGUE:
Not capitalizing is not a style. So have time correcting this one.
You showed an event, probably a dramatic one but it fell short of emotions. Hindi ko naramdaman.
Contradicting your statement. You sound so sure that it was the last time you'll be seeing him pero sa ilalim, linagay mo rin na iiwan mo MUNA sila. See what I'm trying to point? Adding muna means you have plans to go back, you still thought you can. So fix this one. Isa pa, 1st point of view naman ang gamit mo, so feel free to write skeptic statements since it all came from the character's mind.
Like: natatakot ako na BAKA ito na ang huli naming pagkikita.
🎀 NARRATION:
》Avoid repetition of words if p'wedi naman. Lalo na kung maraming alternatives.
Example: makikita, nakikita sa prologue.
- Try to play with words so you won't have to use them again and again.
》Do narration smoothly - Nothing more I could suggest but read and read. Observe and observe then write and write.
》Lack of emotion - 'Wag mong madaliin ang pagsulat. Example 'yong kay Matthew na POV, about giving punishment, sinulat mo lang talaga ang dialogues, hindi mo man lang nilagyan ng emotion.
At check mo na lang din uli, nawawala 'yong pangatlo sa line na: Pinahiya mo ako sa buong school blah blah.
》Avoid using one english word in a whole sentence of tagalog.
Example: Dimple to biloy
》Omit words that are not necessary - Isang medyo malaking t-shirt, isang fadee blah blah.
Cause of course, it was already understandable na isa lang talaga ang suot mo kasi nag-iisa ka lang naman sa katawan mo.
》Use one point of view per chapter. It was confusing having multiple views in one chap. Make the story straight.
》Do not add sounds like Bzikkkt, boooggsh. - Narrate it instead.
》Do not add (tunog po 'yan ng alarm), like you, the author, talks to the reader.
》'Yong banggaan sa first day of school ay medyo gasgas na. I know you can do better and think of something original. Just not this one.
》Do not write flashback.
》Organize the event. Magulo.
🎀 DIALOGUES:
》Bitin at hindi masyadong napasok ang emotion.
》Some are not necessary and was just there to prolong the chapter.
》May mga dialogue na naka-bold, may ilan naman na hindi. Masakit sa mata, ayusin.
🎀 TECHNICALITIES:
1. Capitalization - Review usage
2. Spelling Correct: Kailangan, mukha, noo
3. Dialogue and Action tags
4. Punctuation marks:
》Apostrophe - Gamitin kapag may omitted letters.
Examples: Ito = 'to Sa akin = sa'kin Siya = s'ya
》 Hyphen - Gamitin sa tuwing inuulit ang salita, combining unlapi plus foreign words, etc.
》Period - Sa first chapter may nakita akong tig-dalawang paggamit nito. Sa happy birthday song. Kindly arrange that one, hindi maganda sa mata. Isa pa, nakakalimutan mo ring maglagay nito sa end of sentence mo.
》Space - Space after the period or any punctuation marks to indicate starting of a new sentence.
5. Rin and Din, Nang vs Ng - Search usage or read some reviews here, lots of us tackle this topic here.
🎀 MESSAGE FROM THE CRITIC:
There are plenty of rooms for improvement. I deeply apologize if I have offended you. I hope you learned something. Keep writing! At sana matapos mo.
