Lost and Found

22 | noah

Reaching the parking lot, I realize that Blake and I still haven't exchanged a word. I might as well take advantage of the fact that I'm alone with her, because who knows when I'll have the change again?

"It's a beautiful night, huh?"

Blake casually glances up at the sky as I ask the question, walking over to where our cars are parked across the lot. I can't help studying her as she's not paying attention, realizing that she has only gotten more beautiful with time. However, I notice that the aura of light that used to surround her when we first met—what generally attracted me toward her—has seemed to have faded. It's still there, though dimmed somewhat.

I want to bring her light back.

"It is," Blake agrees, offering me a forced smile that doesn't reach her eyes whatsoever. It aches me to see her this way, so clearly uncomfortable in my presence, so genuinely unhappy. I remember how beautiful her real smile was, how it could light up an entire room on its own. I miss that smile.

"It was really nice to see your family again," I admit after a moment, sliding my hands into my pockets. "I didn't realize how much I'd missed them. Seeing them again felt like coming home."

An unreadable expression takes over Blake's features, a conflicted gleam shining in her brown eyes. However, she's quick to force another smile, meeting my gaze as she says, "They missed you too."

I realize that I can't do this anymore. Blake may never love me again the way that I love her, but that doesn't mean we can't try to establish a friendship. Whatever it is going on between us now makes it seem like it's impossible for us to get along. I know we ended on bad terms and that I fucked up in the worst way possible, but I'll be damned if I don't at least try to clean up the mess I made.

I stop in my tracks, eyes on Blake. She takes a few steps forward until she notices that I'm no longer at her side. I watch as she turns around in confusion, standing a few feet away from her car as she glances at me.

"I'm sorry, Blake," I say after a moment of silence, noticing the confusion seeping from Blake and into the air. I step closer to her while still maintaining my distance. "I know I've said it before, and I get the feeling that I'm going to end up saying it a million times. But I'm sorry. I know I hurt you, Blake. I'm not expecting your forgiveness. Hell, the last thing I deserve is your forgiveness. But I don't want things between us to be like this forever. I want to be able to see you when we're with our friends without it being weird. I want to be able to run into you and talk to you like it's normal. I don't want . . . this." I release a sharp exhale, cautiously meeting Blake's gaze, almost scared of what I might find in doing so.

Blake blinks, stunned. I watch as she opens her mouth as if to speak, only to quickly purse her lips, her brown eyes staring at me wide and full of emotion.

"I wish you would stop apologizing," she finally says, her voice so soft I almost don't catch the words.

"Of course I'm going to apologize." I shake my head, a bitter laugh escaping me. "I was an asshole."

"You were a kid, Noah," Blake murmurs. "A kid who had just lost his mother."

"That's no excuse for—"

"Stop apologizing to me," Blake repeats to cut me off, tone gentle yet firm all at once. "You did nothing wrong. I don't blame you, Noah. I'm not selfish enough to have expected you to stick around after something so traumatic happened to you. The loss of a loved one is a hard pain to bear. You know I understand that, right?"

"Then why?" I question for a lack of better words, deciding I might as well just put it all out there. "Why do things between us have to be so . . ." I trail off, unable to find the words to describe the tension that is constantly found between Blake and I.