Rainbow - Kellic // boyxboy

Chapter Twenty-Five

There's a looming sense of Déjà Vu as I scramble of bed in a panicked state. I can't breathe. I feel as though I'm suffocating in sickness and drowning in shame. I need to leave. I need to leave now. 

I throw my clothes on as fast as humanly possible then clamber around looking for my keycard which proves difficult through the blur of tears in my eyes. I pace around quietly, desperate to get out fast without waking Vic who's still sleeping, oblivious to my emotional turmoil. I can't even look at him. If I look at him, I'm sure I'm going to throw up. I find my keycard sitting next to my phone so I snatch both of them up and leave not a minute later.

I'm expecting a breath of fresh air the second I exit the dorm but it doesn't come. Air isn't going to fix this. I jog down the stairs and hurry out onto the grounds. I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go so I begin walking around campus, trying to get my mind right.

But I can't believe what I've done. I feel disgusting. I feel dirty. I can already imagine my father's disappointment, his anger, his embarrassment. Why did I have to do that? Why do I have to be like this?

I want to break down but I don't want to attract attention to myself so I hold it together.

I go to the library so I can sit quietly and think but I'm barely able to string a thought together. It's like my mind is panicking.

I know I should call Dr. Levit, or at least go see Sam, but I know what they'd tell and those aren't words I want to hear right now. I know what I did was wrong. I know who I am is wrong. No one can tell me otherwise. They're wrong.

I shouldn't be gay. It's not normal. I'm never going to be happy. I'm never going to have a fulfilling relationship. This attraction is dirty, it's predatory, it's disgusting.

My stomach churns with shame as I remember last night and what Vic and I did. I was so lost in him. I was so stupid.

Tears of regret prick my eyes and I want to cry, I want to scream, but I need to stay quiet. I put my head down on the table and rerun every insult my father threw at me.

Faggot. Homo. Queer.

The ringing of my phone interrupts the traumatic memories and makes me jump. I pull it out of my pocket and see Vic's name on the screen. I immediately ignore the call and then realize he texted me.

Vic: hey where did you go?

I turn my phone off so he can't call me again and put my head back down.

I don't know if I fall asleep or just completely disassociate but when I lift my head from the table, a significant amount of time has passed and I feel hazy. I turn my phone on to check the time and realize I've already missed my morning class and am going to be late for my afternoon class.

I also notice I have three missed calls from Vic and a missed call from Sam, as well as a text.

Sammie: Hey, where are you? I just ran into Vic and he's worried about you.

I swallow dryly and decide I'll deal with that all later. Right now, I just can't.

I take breath and leave the library then head back to my dorm to collect what I need for my class. I don't know why I was expecting Vic not to be there, but I'm surprised when I open the door and find him playing his guitar. His mere presence evokes the return of my nausea.

If my life was a book series, the sequel would definitely be called Return of the Nausea.

I don't say anything as I tear my gaze from him and begin collecting my things for class.