stay high • mgc

1.1

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                                M  a  r  c  h  15  , 2  0  1  4

   ► C H R I S S Y ◄

I was listening to the guys perform their show for the fans backstage, silently singing along to the song they were performing. "Cause I'm not being me, and its getting me down. That she makes me think, makes me think, that I try, that I try, that I'm trying to hard again" I softly sang to myself.

I wasn't sure how this was a period of time that the amount of love I had for Michael made me reach a point of craziness since he always pushed me out of my comfort zone, which was actually amazing.

There was just this insecurity that I held inside of me that Michael might cheat or leave me. He was a 10 and I was a 6, a 5 at the most. I just felt like he was just so out of my league that I had these constant voices in my head telling the most realistic yet horrible things that he might do.

They were almost demons inside of me, but I always chose to ignore the thought of that. There were times that I would think I was going crazy for Michael ever since he first told me he loved me.

Maybe it was that I never felt this feeling of love before, there were times that I would lie in bed in his arms thinking 'How the fuck did this happen?'. There were even times where I would think that I'm dreaming and the reality is that I'm still in college studying for finals.

The show was over and I had finally gathered up the courage to ask Michael about the topic. I just wanted to be able to trust him, I have always been told of his past ways and I was so worried because I was scared he would leave me for some one night stand on his tour.

I had already thought I was going insane in an early part of my life, and by early I mean when I was starting off in college. I would think I was living with a roommate named Janie, but my roommate usually only came into the dorm after drinking. I didn't even know her name. 

Those illusions eventually stopped developing when i went to pursue my dream in joining a band. Even the fans Michael would hug gave me insecurity, but I always tried to ignore those silly assumptions.

There were times where I would have nightmares that I would catch Michael with another girl, but at the end of the day he made me the happiest girl alive. "Hey Chrissy" I heard his voice behind me. He smiled at me as I turned and faced with a cheeky smile in response. "Hey" I simply responded.

His smile killed me, but in the best fucking way possible. He held my hand as we walked back to the hotel room eventually hearing the rest of the guys stay back stage doing congratulating themselves and resting up. 

We arrived at the hotel room and I sat down on the bed, almost wanting to cry at my thoughts. I acted okay in front of Michael I loved him more than anything and didn't want him to see me in pain. I gathered up my strength and brought up the topic.

"Hey Michael?" I called for him as he lied down on the bed. "Yeah Chrissy?"  he said, looking up to the ceiling. "I-I've just been having this silly thought in my head for days and just needed to talk about it" I told him. He sat up from his resting position and sat close to me.

"Talk to me" he told me, he made me think that he was easy to talk to, but there was this sort of feeling that I got that would always hold me back from thinking that. "Um...Are-A-Are you.....cheating on me" I almost choked up on the last 3 words.

He looked confused, which I wasn't able to tell what to think of it. "Why would you think that?" he asked. I found myself able to speak more words without wanting to cry. "I-I don't know, maybe I guess I'm just really....paranoid that you-you'll cheat on me with a one night stand or some shit" I answered.

"Chrissy, what would make you think that?" he asked, he was almost getting mad which got me scared since I hated seeing him mad. It would terrify me to the extreme. "I don't know! Maybe it's the mass amounts of people telling me you're no good or that you're just a cheater!" I blurted out, I didn't want to say those words.

Those were the words I regretted saying, I wanted to slap myself for saying that. I covered my mouth in shock of myself, feeling tears form around my eyes. "WHAT THE FUCK?! WHO IN THE HELL WOULD TELL YOU THAT?!"  He shouted.

I whimpered at my weakness to respond. "I-I-I-I-" the words I wanted to say didn't seem to escape my lips the way I wanted them to. "Don't you trust me?!" he asked, almost shaking me for a response. "I do!! I just-"

"THEN WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I'M GONNA CHEAT ON YOU?!" he cut me off yelling at the top of his lungs. He was desperate for my answer.

"I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! YOU'VE JUST ALWAYS BEEN 100 TIMES BETTER THAN I'LL EVER FUCKING BE AND HAVE MORE CHANCES OF FINDING A BETTER GIRL ALONG THE WAY OF YOUR CAREER! MAYBE THAT'S THE FUCKING REASON WHY!" I yelled, wanting to throw something but didn't want to get charged.

He was at this point enraged, which was a sign of him that I fucking hated with all the hate I was able to have for anything ever. "YOU KNOW WHAT?! IF YOU'RE FUCKING SCARED THAT I'M GONNA CHEAT ON YOU WITH SOMEONE I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT AND CAN'T TRUST ME, THEN WE MIGHT AS WELL NOT EVEN BE TOGETHER!!!" He yelled.

"FINE!!! IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT!" I yelled back at him, he stormed out the hotel room and slammed the door shut. I was left in the room all alone. I collapsed on the floor in tears, trying to get myself together.

I sobbed and sobbed to the nomadic point where I was almost crying tears of blood. My eyes stung and were red and puffy from sobbing my soul out. I couldn't believe it.

He had left me.

And it was all my fault.

All

my

fucking

fault.

-

I'M LEGIT CRYING RN DFGHFDSHDBFTG

Thanks to Mia (@redflannels) for helping me with the idea of the breakup. Bby ily <3 

Anywaaaaaaays, i hope you liked the update and if you didn't, well......have a cupcake. Lmao idk its 1:36 am and i'm tired af.

ok byeee 

-nat