The Unexpected Path

Chapter 33 - Jaxon

There are moments in life where you don't feel alive, if that makes sense.

You're breathing, you're moving, you're existing. But you're not living. You're just going through the motions as if there's a disconnect between you and your body, as if your soul tapped out because it just can't fucking take life anymore. It leaves in order to save you.

That may be the only reason I'm alive right now. If I were a selfish man, I'd admit I don't want to be on this earth anymore. Once upon a time I was selfish enough but now my life is about more than just me. It's about my children. It's about my friends. It's about my family, even though my family will never feel complete again.

My wife died yesterday.

I never thought I would say those words. I never thought this would happen to me. I never, not for one fucking moment, thought I would feel this empty again. She was my soulmate.

Why do they call it a soulmate? Because when you meet the person you love beyond comprehension, the person you know you were meant to walk this god-forsaken earth with to make it just a little bit fucking bearable, your souls latch onto each other and become one. Individually your soul can only take so much but when it intertwines with another, the foundation becomes stronger. You become stronger. And you depend on that other person to carry the weight until you forget what it was like to carry it on your own.

That's why when you lose your soulmate, you can feel yourself crumbling apart piece by fucking piece. You can feel yourself hollowing out, knowing you won't ever be whole again.

I think my soul died with Emily. Maybe that's why I feel dead inside. Numb. There's no pain or anger or sadness. There isn't anything at all and I'm grateful. Without this numbness, there's no fucking way I could go through with burying her.

I feel robotic as I straighten out my tie before looking at myself in the mirror. I don't even recognize myself. My eyes are vacant, my face unshaven, my hair tousled and longer than it should be. But I don't care because I can fix all of these things. I can undo them. I can't undo Emily's death and the fact that she isn't standing beside me, straightening out my jacket and gazing up at me like so many times before, is the most unrecognizable thing about the image in front of me. I look to my right like she might appear out of nowhere, like this has all been one big joke, but she isn't there. And she never will be again.

Fuck. A deep slash cuts through me and my hand shoots out, palm against the mirror to keep myself steady. I try to draw in a breath but it feels impossible. It feels wrong. It's a reminder that I'm alive and my wife isn't. It's not fucking right.

"Fuck," I whisper, pinching my eyes shut. I'd do anything to hear her laugh right now, feel her touch, reminding me that I'm going to be okay. I don't think I'll ever be okay again. "Emily."

Her name flutters past my lips in a deep croak and a second later I sink to the bathroom floor. Another second after that my gut twists so painfully that I start heaving into the toilet, what little food I ate yesterday leaving my body in an acidic rush. Two minutes after that there's nothing left inside of me and I'm back to feeling empty. I don't have the strength to get back up so I sit slumped against the door, wishing I was dead instead of her. There's a pretty good chance the pain I'm feeling is going to kill me anyway.

I guess being numb doesn't last. I wish it did. I wish the hollow feeling came bottled up so I could inject it into my veins and stay numb. I wish I could go to sleep and pretend that this isn't happening right now. I wish Emily was still alive.

"Damn it, baby." I kick the wall in front of me, pushing my palms into my sockets to stop the tears. "How can you be gone? It doesn't feel real, Em. It can't be real."