The Unexpected Path

Chapter 21 - Lucas

I pause my video game with an agitated scowl when my phone rings but get over it just as quick when I see that it's Mom calling. I take off my headset and put the phone to my ear. "Hello?"

"Hi darling," I can hear the smile in Mom's voice and smile back. We're back to normal now for the most part. The only thing she's upset with now is that I still haven't made up with Dad but I'll live with it. The sting of thanksgiving hasn't lessened in the least and the memory of our fight still hurts. I'm not interested in revisiting that sore spot so I won't be making up with him anytime soon either, even though he's tried calling me a few times. Fucking whatever. "How was your day?"

"Same old," I shrug even though she can't see it. "Boring Saturday. Yours?"

"Super boring," She agrees. "I think Landon's sick of me. I spent two hours in his room today and he kept getting calls from a girl. Is he seeing someone?"

I fight a smirk. That sounds like the little shit alright. He's even more private than I am. "Not that I know of. Hasn't told me anything."

"Me neither. I'm a cool mom, right? He knows he can talk to me about girls?"

"I'm sure he does but you know how he is. Wouldn't take it personally."

"He's becoming more and more like his father," She sighs. The following silence is tense now that Mom brought him up and I wait, knowing she'll try to say something. "Honey...he wants to apologize. Please hear him out."

And there it is. I press my lips together. "Not ready."

"Lucas—"

"I'm not making excuses or trying to drag this shit out. I mean it, Mom. I'm not ready to hear what he has to say."

"Why? What's going on?"

I swallow hard and try to get rid of the tightness in my throat. "We're so fucked up, Mom. Our relationship is so fucked. At least if I'm not making an effort I can blame our relationship on that. But what happens if I try to make amends and it still doesn't work? Then I don't have anything to blame it on. Then I have to face the truth — that Dad and I will never be okay again. Can't you understand how much that fucking terrifies me?"

"Baby," She whispers and there's a waver in her voice that tells me she's in tears. "You both love each other. You both miss each other. What makes you think it won't work?"

"Because you can't fix what's been shattered to pieces. And even if you do fix it the pieces are so tiny and jagged that the bigger picture becomes unrecognizable. I'd rather remember what our relationship used to be than face what it'll never be again. Do you understand?"

I hear a sniffle and close my eyes shut. I fucking hate that I'm hurting her. When will I stop hurting her? When will I stop causing everyone in my life pain? It makes me so goddamn angry with myself.

"I understand. I'm sorry you feel that way but I also won't stop hoping that things will get better. If you don't have it in you to believe, then I'll believe for you. Will you let me do that?"

I lean back against the couch and rub a hand over my face. Even when I hurt her, she puts me before her. It's times like this I want to rip myself apart knowing I could lose her. I hope to Christ I don't lose her. It'll be the fucking death of me in every way. My throat lodges painfully.

"Okay Mama," I whisper back. "If it makes you happy then do it. I only want to make you happy."

"You make me the happiest, my sweet boy," I can hear the smile in her voice even though she's still crying.

"You don't have to lie on my account. I know I'm a fuck up."

"You're real, Lucas. You don't hide your flaws just because they make the world uncomfortable. You're unapologetically human and that takes sheer courage. Anyone can fake it in order to be accepted by others but not everyone can stay true to themselves even when the whole world is against them. But just remember I'm not and never will be with them. I'll always be with you."