The Unexpected Path

Chapter 32 - Emily

I've heard a lot of people talk about their final moments.

They always say things like they knew it was time or that they're more afraid of leaving their loved ones behind than dying.

I call bullshit.

I didn't think my time would come so soon. And Of course I'm scared to leave my family behind but I'm more scared of dying.

I'm so, so scared of dying.

When I was first diagnosed, it was like being in the middle of a bad dream. You never think something as fatal as breast cancer can happen to you until it does. I always knew it was in my genes but somehow I believed I'd evade it. I'd get lucky because no way would I have cancer. I took care of my health all my life and followed all of the right steps. How was it possible that I had breast cancer? How was it possible that instead of beating it, it only consumed me even more? Did I not fight hard enough? Did I deserve this?

Here's what I think about your final moments: you can't stop asking questions.

They say you get flashes of the life you've lived but all I can think about are the parts of life I'll never experience. I'll never get to hold my first grandchild. I'll never get to watch my boys get married. I'll never get to grow old with my husband. I'll never get to grow old with my best friend. I'll never get to teach again, or cook my favourite meal, or watch my favourite show, or read my favourite book. I'll never get to live again.

Maybe I'm being pessimistic. Shouldn't I be grateful that I've lived a wonderful life? I spent it with the love of my life, had three beautiful children with him, and got to be a mother to my wonderful babies. I got to pursue a career I was passionate about. I never struggled with money. I was welcomed into an incredible group of people I consider my family. These are all good things. Great things.

But it's so hard to focus on the good as I struggle to take in air, the oxygen mask only doing so much to help. It's so hard to be positive as my lungs burn with the kind of pain that's torturous and cruel. It's so hard to have hope when I can feel my body giving up even if I'm not ready. But I'm not in control of myself anymore, am I?

It's time to go.

I knew when my doctor walked in this morning, her gaze burning holes into my file and avoiding my eyes, that she didn't walk in with good news. Just the opposite. She didn't have to say it, either. When she finally gathered the courage to lift her eyes and look at me, silent understanding passed between us. I nodded in acceptance. She winced in apology. That was that.

There's no exact time frame other than "not long." It could be today, it could be tomorrow, it could be a week from now. I can't stand not knowing and wondering if I'll leave with regrets. I don't want any regrets. So I decided to say all my goodbyes while I still have the time and energy. I want to make my peace and leave that way too.

"You never know," Avery tries again, hiccuping through her sobs. She's barely let me say my goodbyes to her. "You never know, bébé. Please. Just hold on."

"I have." I force the words out, drawing in another lungful of air. It launches me into a coughing fit because my lungs burn so badly it's like they're punishing me for using them in the first place. The burning spreads through my whole body, making me feel like I'm on fire from inside out. I've never known pain like this. At this point it hurts more to live than to die. "I can't keep fighting, Aves. I'm done. I'm so tired."

Another sob tears out of her and she bends her head, digging her face on my stomach and clutching my hand tightly. Cameron holds her shoulders, his own face glistening with tears.

The room is hushed and full of grief as I look around at all my friends. Every single one of them have changed my life in their own way since the day I met them. Avery, Cameron, Delilah, Nate, Aria, Asher, Melanie, and Wolfe. My family. My anchors. I've said my goodbyes to all of them individually and they watch me now, faces solemn and scared.