Lost and Found

3 | noah

Thoughts of Caroline lead me to Charlotte, my half-sister. Despite everything, thinking of the two-year-old never ceases to make me smile. Charlotte is exactly what I needed to enter my life after living through such a dark period, managing to light up my day whenever I'm around her. She's a bubbly little thing, always happy and laughing or smiling. I'd been so close to not meeting her, and the thought makes me ache. But I'm trying now. Trying to become a better person, trying to be a better man.

Charlotte sometimes reminds me of Blake Rhodes. Thinking about the first girl I ever fell in love with opens a wound in my heart I don't think will ever fully close, and I revel in the pain for a moment. Yet it's true. Charlotte Reed is just as lively and loving and full of light at the age of two as Blake Rhodes had been three years ago.

After leaving this town, I thought back on my last few moments with Blake for a while. It still hurts to think about the pained expression I left her with, the tears that had been trailing down her cheeks as I broke her heart. In that moment, Blake needed me. My mother had just died, and I know that she was hurting and lost and confused, just as I was. She needed me as much as I needed her.

And I left her.

She'd given me an ultimatum: to stay and fight for her, or leave and lose her for good. And like a damn idiot I had hopped into my car and drove off, as if the time I'd spent with Blake and the love I had for her meant nothing.

I often find myself wondering what happened to her after I left. I know I had a hell of a hard time trying to get over her. I fell back into the habit of smoking, picked up drinking again, and tried a handful of different kinds of drugs. Yet no matter how drunk or high or out of it I was, nothing could make me forget how beautiful Blake Rhodes was, how gentle yet strong our love had been, and the way she had made me feel.

I hope that I had been easy for her to get over, as much as the thought hurts me. I hope that Blake didn't waste her time crying over a jerk who promised he wouldn't leave her, only to break her heart and cop out the second things got tough. I hope she has found someone who treats her like the beautiful soul she is, a man that makes her feel loved and safe. I hope Blake Rhodes is having the time of her life. I hope that she hardly thinks of me at all.

And yet I hope she still remembers me. Because I'm selfish. No matter how happy Blake is now, no matter what she's doing with her life, no matter who she's with . . . I hope she remembers me. I hope she thinks back on the way I made her feel when she was mine. I hope she can still recall the times I made her laugh, the way I held her hand, how gently I kissed her, the way it felt to have my hands on her body. I hope that she still remembers—no matter how badly things between us ended—that she once loved me as much as I still love her. And I'll never be able to stop loving her. A person doesn't fall in love with someone like Blake Rhodes and merely stop. Loving someone like Blake Rhodes is a love that lasts forever, and I'm perfectly okay with that.

I ease out of my thoughts, remembering where I am and what I'm here for. Staring down at the flowers in my hand, I swallow hard. I've visited my mother's grave quite a few times now, yet I've never been able to do the one thing I know I need to.

Say goodbye.

Before my mother died, I didn't have the chance to tell her goodbye. The last conversation I had with her, I'd promised I would go home with her once she was able to leave the hospital. That it wouldn't be the last time I told her I loved her. Only one of those promises I was able to keep, somewhat. After Mom passed, I did go back to the home I'd shared with her . . . only she wasn't able to make the journey with me.

Once I lost her, I was never able to tell Mom goodbye. Goodbyes have always been hard for me. They always feel so final, like an ending. Though I know I need to tell my mother goodbye so I can find peace with her passing, I'm still not quite ready to let go.