August 24th- Book One in the May 3rd series

Chapter 13- Ayo Frigay

... 

At the end of the study session, I'm feeling more confident about the quiz.
"You do help, really." I say.
I hold my hand up for a high-five.
He immediately moves back and winces, squeezing his eyes shut and covering his head defensively with his hands. 
I back up off the couch immediately.
"No, I didn't... I'm not going to hurt you, Josiah..." I stay away from him, "It was a high-five." I keep my voice as soft as possible.
I don't want to scare him.
He peeks his eyes open and stares blankly at me, not lowering his hands or responding. 
"What do you want me to do? I can...take you home? Or make you a snack, or... I'm sorry." I offer desperately.
"I-I...I'm sorry. Don't hit me." He mumbles, not seeming to listen to me. 
"I'm not going to hit you. Not now or ever." I promise, not moving, terrified I'll scare him again.
I don't want him to be afraid.
He finally lowers his hands. "Stay away from me."
"Okay. I'm sorry." I say, just sitting on the floor.
"I just need a minute. I'm sorry." He sighs, rubbing his head.
"It's okay. Take your time."
Why is he so untrusting?
I'm not mean not to him.
After a minute of just sitting there with wide eyes, pulling his hair, he seems to relax a bit.
"It's not your fault." He says softly.
"It kinda seems like my fault." I say, staring up at him from the floor, not moving until he quits freaking out. I don't know what else to do.
"It isn't. I-I just...s-sometimes I freak out for n-no reason. I'm sorry."
"It's okay. Really. I'll just stay right here, out of your way 'till you're done. Do you need...anything?" I offer, desperate to help, but not knowing how.
"I'm done. I'm f-fine. Just pretend it d-didn't happen..."
"Okay. Can I get up now?"
"Y-Yeah... You're okay." He tugs his sleeves over his hands.
He's wearing a light blue sweater that matches his eyes. It's a really nice sweater. It looks soft...
I get up slowly.
"I'm going to get my books and put them away. Is that okay?" They're on the couch beside him.
"Okay, just...please don't touch me."
"I won't." I promise.
I gather my stuff and put it in my bag quickly. "Do you want me to drive you home?"
"I...don't want to touch. I don't w-want the motorcycle." He says, rubbing tears out of his eyes.
"Don't cry. Please. We can take the car. You don't have to touch me, I swear."
I don't know why touching me is so bad... But I just don't want him crying. Anything but that.
"Car?" 
"Yeah. I have a car." I admit.

"Why did y-you make me use the...the motorcycle, then?" He asks.
"Because. It's what I drive. I don't drive the car. Unless I have to."
Because I wanted to be close to you.
"Don't make me use it again." He looks up at me with those tearful bright blue eyes. 
God. Anything to make him stop crying.
"Okay," I murmur softly, "I'll start driving you in the car. Please just quit crying."
"I c-can't. I'm sorry. D-Don't be mad." He rubs his eyes again, more violently this time. 
"I'm not mad. I don't mind, really. I would rather you be comfortable."
I mind. I don't like the car nearly as much, but if it makes him happy... Whatever makes him stop crying.
"Whenever you want, I'll drive you home...in the car."
"Can I... Can I have s-something to drink first? Juice?" 
"Yeah. I'll go get you some." I say, leaving the room and taking the stairs way quicker than safe, glad to have something I can do to help.
I pour a cup, and as I run back upstairs, mom yells at me to quit running in the house. I don't.
I slow down at the top and open the door quietly. "All we have is orange juice. Is that okay?" I ask, opening the door.
"Y-Yeah..." 
I hold it out to him. "Here."
"Thanks." He takes it cautiously. 
"Of course. Anything to help." I say, sitting on the bed, giving him space.
I don't know why he freaked like that. Does he really think I'm going to hurt him?
"... Next time, if you could just say high five first. Please." He murmurs. 
"Yeah. I will. I'm sorry."
"Thanks... Don't feel bad. It really wasn't your fault." 
"Okay. I won't." I will.
I don't get it at all. We were having fun, like, six minutes ago. And now... I had to have fucked something up.
I wish I hadn't fucked his cousin...
A... Amy? Ali?
I don't care. She's not important.
I watch him slowly take a drink of juice with shaky hands.
If I could touch him, I would hug him. He looks so miserable.
"You're lying. I'm s-serious, you don't have to feel bad. It was my fault." 
"I'll...try not to. How the fuck would it be your fault? You got scared. It's okay."
"I got scared for no reason. I'm not allowed to get scared for no reason. It's against the rules."
"You can with me. I don't have rules for you. You don't have to follow rules with me."
"No way. I'll get in trouble. I-I'm already d-doing enough shit. I can't keep..." He trails off weakly.
"Breaking the rules is okay here. I won't punish you for anything. It won't hurt for you to just relax. You're so high strung all the time. Just drink your juice and breathe."
"I can't- Damien... You don't need to be nice to me." 
"I do need to be nice to you." I admit softly.
"Why?"
"Because I don't think anyone is nice to you, and everyone deserves someone that is nice to them, especially someone as amazing as you, Josiah," I sigh, "I know. The bully is talking about being nice."
It's dumb, but... I have no real answer for him.
I don't know if I've ever called him Josiah out loud until today. It seems so...intimate.
"I-I... You... Really? Are you s-serious? I don't need anyone to be n-nice to me. I'm okay." 
"I'm dead serious. It's not okay. I want...to be nice to you. I want to make you lunch, with dinosaur facts and stickers. And I want to drive you to and from school so you don't have to walk. Because...I want to be your...friend."
There. I admitted it.
"I know. I said I wouldn't ever, but..." I go on, looking down and crossing my arms, "I think we could be good friends...outside of school. Like we are now."
He stares blankly at me for a moment, before taking a sip of his juice. "That would be a major waste of time for you." 
"W-What? Why?" I shuffle my feet.
I shouldn't have been so open. This happens every time I get to close with someone... I fuck it up.
"Sorry, if I was too forward. I can just take you home if you want..."
"Don't get upset like I insulted you. I'm just saying that I'm not a good friend...not that you have any good friends, but... I think you should." 
"That's why I'm asking you."
"I'm not good by any means, Damien." 
"I mean, I think you're a good friend. If you let it happen."
"I don't know if we should risk what we have now..." He says. 
"We don't have anything now. What we have now isn't even anything. I just want to be your friend."
"You said if being friends doesn't work out, then we'll go back to not knowing each other. Then I won't be able to come here and eat or relax or whatever anymore..." 
"It's going to work." It has to, I don't like the idea of him being alone anymore. It scares me. Because all the sudden, I care. And now I have to look out for him.
"You don't know that." 
"I know it. I can tell. I have a gut feeling. And my intuition doesn't steer me wrong. What do you say? Can we just be friends?"
"Okay... But still no talking at school?" 
"Ethan and Hunter would....be mad. But you can text all you want." I wish we could all just get along, but they would beat the shit out of him in a heartbeat.
"Um... I can't promise anything, but I can try."
If my friends found out... Oh, God...
"I can text you if I need help, then?" He asks. 
"You can. But I don't know if I can come to the rescue every time."
I don't want him thinking friends means I'll be able to fix everything.
"I know. I'm sorry. I just figured that, you're so concerned about me when I'm here, but at school...you know." 
"Yeah. It's understandable. I can't...stop all the bullying, but I can handle fucking Logan Haas."
"Thanks, and... Can I ask you to do one more thing?" 
"Yeah."
"If something happens at home... C-Can I come here? Like, if I get locked out again. Or if they're really mad." 
"Of course. You can come anytime. Or, if you want...give me your phone." I say, and he hands it over. I put a number in before giving it back. "I put Pierre's number in, too. That way if you need something and I don't answer, you can call him. Okay? But you can come over here and stay as long as you want to."
"He's an adult... Can I really trust him?"
"I trust him with everything. You don't have to call him if you don't want to. But I just like knowing he's there if you need him."
"Okay. I-I'll call him if I can't reach you."
"Good. Are you...feeling any better?"
I doubt it, but I don't know what else to say.
I wish I could tell him everything would be okay.
But I can't promise shit like that.
"Yeah... I, uh... I really didn't mean to flinch like that. I can't see, so when I notice something come at me or move really fast, it's a habit."
Right.
"Well, I'll say it next time. I'll try to be better about announcing stuff."
I don't want to scare him, at all.
"Thanks. It'll be appreciated." He mumbles.
"Right, do you want to go home, or do you want to stay for a bit...?"
I shuffle a bit.
"Damien, I never want to go home. Just take me home whenever you're sick of me."
"The problem is, I don't want you to leave," I shrug, "I guess that you're staying here."
"I should be home by bedtime... around 8 or 9." He says.
"Well then, we have a few hours," I look at him, "Can I sit back down beside you? Or do you want me to stay over here?"
"You can do whatever you want."
"Let me rephrase that. Will you be upset if I sit down beside you?"
"Probably." 
"Then I'll stay over here," I pause for a moment, "So...do you want more dinosaur facts in your lunch on Monday?"
"Yeah. I could barely read them, though."
"I figured. I tried to write them bigger, but I don't know, like...how big... I guess that maybe I should just leave them out. I just thought it would be nice..."
"I like them. And they're good the way they are. I could read it when I held it close. Like always."  "Okay. I'll keep doing it, then. Is there anything else I can make for you? Or that you like to eat?" "I already told you before that I really don't know. I've always just eaten whatever they're willing to give me. I don't know what any of it is."
"I just don't want to make something you don't like."
He shifts a bit. "I guess so."
I run a hand through my hair nervously. "I know you said it's not me, but I just want you to know I would never hurt you. Like, I'm mean to people. But not to you. Not on purpose."
"You're used to hurting people and I'm used to getting hurt. So, it wouldn't matter if you did. Don't worry about it."
"But..." I stare into his eyes, "I don't want to do that to you. I don't want to hurt you."
"I get hurt no matter where I go. Why would here need to be any different?"
"I want you to feel safe. With me. Because you should feel safe with your friends. And I want to be your friend."
"Yeah, we're friends... I'm just saying that I don't know how to do that. Feel safe or be friends." 
"Neither do I." I admit.
"At least not like this."
"But maybe we can figure it out."
"Maybe. Do you feel safe with your friends?" 
"... Mostly. But it's a different type of relationship."
"It's not different. And I wouldn't feel safe with your friends. Ever. I don't see how you are, even mostly." 
"Yeah. It's complicated. But maybe we can have something different. Be honest with each other. Be safe."
It would be really nice to have someone I could just talk to. No matter what.
"I've been honest with you. Have you been honest?"
...About what was important.
"Yeah. And I will be."
Mostly...

End