Newsies one-shots

Words won't come || Elmer (no ships)

This story will contain mentions of self harm (not the really bad, but still). 
I wanted to say beforehand: This is based of what happened to me a few days ago.
Here in the Netherlands we are allowed to go to school again (part time) and I go in the afternoon with 8 others. In this story Race portraits my best friend.

~ F

Elmer looked down at his arm. There were five small cuts. two made with thinning scissors and three made with the needle of a compass. Each line stood for another bad day. The cuts had mostly become scars, but there were still some red spots from where he had cut deep enough to see red, but not deep enough to actually see any blood. It wasn't like he did it to make an end to his life, God knows he didn't want to end his life, but it was more like a way to feel relieve. In bad days as such he wasn't able to feel anything, or he may have felt so much that it felt like he didn't feel anything. His mind would always go two ways. The one saying: put it away, while the other said: cut another one. This led Elmer to do one for each of those days. Five since the really bad days started.

"And people call me racist." Oscar, one of Elmer's classmates exclaimed. Him and Morris were discussing random things and sometimes even the teachers would add their opinion to the conversation. 
I would more likely call you annoying. Elmer thought to himself. He hadn't really been a fan of the boy just wanted him to leave, but he wanted to participate in the conversation at the same time. Though he knew he shouldn't.
"I want that French people are allowed to call their pig Napoleon." He blurted out. 
Damn it Elmer. Why did you have to say anything. Oscar looked at Elmer in a weird way. They were most definitely going to gossip about it later. 
"What did you say?" Oscar asked. 
Why can't you just talk like normal people. 
"Never mind." Elmer looked down and began picking a little at the scars that were still on his arms.

"I think it's stupid for people to cut their arms. They are fucking afraid to do it right. It's like cut the artery and your dead. Simple as that." Oscar's words made Elmer look up. 
You heard it. Your just to afraid. 

No, I just don't want to die. What does he know about it by the way. Acting like he is the perfect boy.

Why won't I actually cut my wrist?

You don't have to live for yourself. You live for other people.

No one has noticed me cutting. Not my colleagues, not the teachers, not my classmates, not my team mates, not my friends, not Race, not my parents or my brothers and sisters. No one will notice that I'm gone either.

"Why don't people just do it the right way? It's easy." Elmer stared at Oscar while subconsciously clawing at the scars. 
It isn't like I'm hiding it. I wear short sleeved shirts and they are pretty clear to see. 

Elmer looked up again and listened to the conversation again. He was thinking about either shouting at Oscar for making those comments, crying or taking part in the now going discussion. What he did was neither of them. He sat back as he let his thoughts cloud his vision. 

-

Days past and Elmer hadn't talked to anyone about it. He didn't know if anyone noticed or not. He just put on an act around everyone. They would see the happy boy that was shy at time, but could burst out like a volcano with smiles and laughter. Though if you looked inside, you could see a broken boy that didn't talk about what he did and how he felt. A boy that felt like a burden on the world, but not a burden enough to make an end. The boy that would listen to musicals without shame, but would play it extra hard when in a bad mood. The boy that said so much, but nothing at all.
Elmer opened his phone and looked at his wallpapers. The one said: 'I know I have friends, but I feel like I have no one to talk about the shit that goes on in my head.' and the other said: 'I'm not okay, but it's okay.' He smiled at his phone. He never had wallpapers that spoke the truth as much as those did. 

I know this is another shitty story, but I have this weight on my chest for a while now and I needed to let it out. I can't talk about it, but I can write about it.

~ F

PS. It's okay to be not okay sometimes, but know that you have someone to talk about it. Don't leave it bottled up like I do. And know that I am ALWAYS here to talk about it, even when I don't know you. Maybe especially when I don't know you, because opening up to strangers is often easier that to people you know.