The Psychopath's Son (On Going)

Chapter 14 - Gloomy Ball of Sunshine

Muli kong nilibot ang mata sa tirahan. It might be the last time I'll go here. Now that the organization is gone, I'm as free as a bird yet as lost as a child.

Pagkabukas ko ng pinto ay kaagad na sumalubong sa akin si Amber na akmang kakatok pa lang. She has a suitcase on one hand. I gave her a blank face at mas nilakihan ang bukas ng pinto para makapasok siya.

"Where are you going?" I asked. Ibinaba ko ang malaking bag na nakasabit sa likod ko.

Pasalampak siyang naupo sa sofa at basta na lamang iniwan ang maleta sa gilid ng pinto.

"Ang init sa labas. Wala ka man lang bang pa-juice sa bisita mo?" She asked at ipinaypay ang kamay sa sarili. Isinarado ko ang pinto at sumandal dito halip na ikuha siya ng juice. Hindi ako nagsalita at sa halip ay tinitigan lamang siya at ang kanyang gamit. I don't feel good about this.

"Fine. As you know, wala na ang organisasyon, wala na din akong mapupuntahan. Then I realized that you're still here, kaya dito na lang muna ako. Madalas naman tumambay dito Jason, saka may pera ako. I can pay the rent too if you want para naman hindi ako mukhang free loader saka..."

"I'm leaving this place." I cut her off. Halos malaglag ang panga nito at nanatiling nakakawang ang bibig.

"What? I mean, where are you going?" She asked at saka umayos ng upo.

"You can continue paying the rent if you want and you can have this unit as well. I'm not taking anything, so everything is all yours." Muli ko nang kinuha ang bag at isinakbit sa aking likuran. I don't want to waste more time. I was about to open the door when she speaks again.

"What? I can get any unit, but I chose to stay here because you're here tapos aalis ka? I'm coming with you!" She exclaimed. Halip na makipagtalo ay tuluyan ko ng binuksan ang pinto at lumabas.

I'm not really good in goodbyes but that doesn't mean I'm not thankful to her and to everyone else. Jason, Yvo, Gavin, and Amber. All these years, they always offer me friendship. Something that I always decline or not acknowledge at all. But after what happened, there are times that I actually missed the old times. Suddenly, my quiet world became even quieter. Without Jason pestering me every day, everything looks empty; without Yvo and Gavin, days feel longer; and without Amber, there's a deafening silence.

I hopped into my car ngunit bago ko pa man ito mapaandar ay nakasunod na sa akin si Amber at pilit na binubuksan ang pintuan sa may passenger's seat. Napabuntong hininga na lamang ako nang pindutin ang lock para sa trunk ng sasakyan para mailagay niya ang maleta. I saw her smile as she walks towards the trunk.

She hopped in the passenger's seat at kaagad na nagsuot ng seat belt na parang batang excited pumuntang camping. I didn't ask her at pinaandar na ang sasakyan. Hindi din naman siya nagtanong pa at sa halip ay binuksan ang radio ng sasakyan na bumasag sa aming katahimikan.

I need to drop her off somewhere dahil wala naman akong planong isama siya sa pupuntahan ko. There's still a business I need to finish and that doesn't include her. She should use this chance to go back to her normal life.

"Where should I drop you?" I asked but she completely ignores me and instead moves her body with the beat of the music. Napailing na lamang akong pinatay ang radio saka biglang lipat sa kabilang lane para itigil ang sasakyan. She seemed annoyed by what I did but the hell I care. I just stared at her hanggang sa magsawa siya at sagutin ang tanong ko.

"I told you I'm coming with you." She said as if everything is decided by both of us. Wala akong matandaan na sumang-ayon ako. And why the hell would I?

"Get out." I said without any emotion and waited for her to shout or complain but instead, I saw tears flowing down her cheeks. I want to think that it's just a prank or her trying to convince me, but no... her eyes seem so lonely. I used to be alone, but at some point, these people don't make me completely alone and lonely and not having them around, I started to realize that maybe they became important to me that I just ignore that feeling because it's new to me.

"I lost Jason. He may be annoying but he's out of reach now and is trying to fix his life. I saw Yvo fight for his life. I saw him bleed and I was there noong halos mawala siya. Ako ang nasa loob ng operating room trying to make a miracle to take him back from Him. I am silently bargaining for his life in his stead because I knew how much he wanted to make things right. I saw how Gavin lose control and lose everything including himself. I saw how he grieves for his friend and for the mistake he did. I saw everything Vougn. All in one day. Mali o madumi man 'yung ginagawa natin pero may nabuo pa din naman na samahan. I cherish everyone and treat everyone like a friend, a family. And losing everyone is like hearing all goodbyes said to me all at once." She paused at mas lalong umagos ang kanyang mga luha.

"Pinipilit ko namang kayanin katulad ng kung paano niyo dinadala ang lahat, but I can't! Losing everyone I cherish is just so much for me to take. Kapag pumunta kayo sa clinic ko, I'm giving everything I can para gamutin kayong lahat. I study non-stop para masiguro na kahit anong sugat pa 'yan makakaya kong gamutin. Not because I want to prove my self to Gavin or to keep my position in the organization but because I sincerely want to keep all of you alive. Hoping that one day, kapag umayos na ang mga maluluwag niyong turnilyo sa utak at gusto niyo nang ituwid ang buhay niyo, magagawa niyo because you still have your life intact. I was able to keep everyone alive, but I didn't know that it will hurt this much to see everyone go." Mas lalong lumakas ang iyak niya.

I don't know how to look after someone. Pero kung ako na walang malalim na nararamdaman para sa kanila ay nakaramdam ng lungkot ngayon, I suddenly thought that maybe, it really is harder for her. She used to be our ball of sunshine. She shines so brightly despite being in this kind of environment but seeing her like this is like seeing a gloomy ball of sunshine.

Hindi ko alam kung paano siya icocomfort because I don't know how to do those things. Mas madali siguro kung tititigan ko lang siya hanggang sa matapos siya, but instead I looked in front of the car and turn on the radio at bahagyang pinalakas ang volume nito. Not because I am annoyed by her voice, but because I think she needs her own space.

I want to step outside, but she's been taking everything all on her own. So maybe, just the presence of someone will be enough to consider as a crying shoulder. This is the best that I can do Amber. And this is all new to me, so I'll probably question myself later about all my actions.

When she stopped crying, pinahina na niya ang radio at nagtanggal ng seatbelt. She didn't utter a word. She was about to open the door but before she could even do it, I locked it.

"Maybe someday, you can be a great use for me." I said at muli nang pinaandar ang sasakyan.

I think I won't be able to experience that deafening silence for now.