Paper Moon

Kabanata 49

KABANATA 49

The night was quiet. I could hear the faintest sounds in my surroundings and the cold air felt harsh against my exposed skin. I tried my best to get some sleep, but I just couldn't. It was another unhappy day for me. My chest still felt heavy even after I cried so much.

Tumagilid ako ng higa paharap sa blankong dingding, nakapikit pa rin ang mga mata at gising na gising ang diwa.

'Bakit kaya nagkakasakitan pa rin kami kahit mahal naman namin ang isa't isa? Masyado ba talagang malaki ang agwat ng deperensiya sa pag-iisip at mga prinsipyo namin? Maybe we're not compatible as partners?' Lalong pumakla ang damdamin ko sa naisip, 'I'm willing to listen and to compromise if necessary, but sometimes, I feel like, between the two of us, I'm the only one adjusting. Nakakapagod na kung minsan.' I felt a new batch of tears threatening to fall at that last thought.

Natigil lang ako sa pag-iisip nang napansin ang maingat na pagbukas at pagsara ng pinto. Kasunod noon ay ang marahang paglundo ng kama at ang maingat na haplos ng isang kamay sa aking braso. Pumailalim iyon at gumapang papunta sa aking tiyan kasabay ng pagdantay ng isang binti sa aking hita at pagdikit ng dibdib sa aking likuran, yumayakap. Isang halik sa aking batok at agad akong napasinghap.

"Sorry na, Mahal ko," bulong niyang nagpapatayo sa aking mga balahibo, "Huwag ka ng magtampo, please?" Dagdag pa niya habang marahang pinapatakan ng halik ang aking leeg papunta sa likod ng aking tainga.

Hindi ako sumagot ni magmulat man lang kahit na ramdam kong unti-unting na namang bumibigay sa kanya ang katawan ko. He knew that my body's a slave to him and he's using this to his advantage. Damn him!

"Huwag ka ng magselos, Mahal. She's nothing to me," he said, now erotically nibbling on my ear as his hand idly drew circles on my stomach.

Pinigilan ko ang sariling mapaungol habang mariing nakapikit, ayaw pa rin patalo.

"You're the only woman I want, the only one that I love. How can you even think that I desire her the way that I desire you? Hmm?" He asked, his hand travelling down now as he gave me wet kisses along my jaw, "You're incomparable, Ayana, my sweet, sweet Aya," he said some more as he easily found my most sacred spot.

Halos magkasabay kaming napaungol nang matagpuan niya iyon. His other hand, then, crawled under my other shoulder and turned my body to face him while his other hand continued doing wonders to my being.

"Oh, Aya," he called, and I drunkenly looked back at him. He smiled through hooded eyes, "You alone can drive this man crazy," he added as he descended to give me a proper kiss.

Nagising ako sa isang malakas na kalampugan. Ilang beses pa akong kumurap hanggang sa naka-adjust ang aking paningin sa madilim kong silid. I saw the slow rotation of my ceiling fan when I realized what I just dreamt this time.

Marahas akong nagbuga ng hininga bago tiningala ang direksiyon ng pintuan. Madilim ang parteng iyon ng aking silid at sigurado akong nailagay ko nang maayos ang mga locks. Muli ko pang pinakinggan kung may ingay mula sa labas nang biglang may kumalabog sa kabilang bahagi ng dingding. Napamura ako sa sarili nang sumunod noon ay mabibilis naman na pagbayo at mga ungol ang umalingawngaw.

May kalaro na naman ang kapitbahay ko. Pagod kong naisip at napailing bago ibinalik sa bentilador ang aking paningin, bigo na naman. What? Why are you disappointed? Did you actually expect him to come after you? Stupid, of course he won't! Hindi niya iyon nagawa noon, ngayon pa kaya? I castigated myself.

Pinagmasdan ko pa ang mabagal na ikot ng mga elesi habang iniisip kung papaano ko ipapaliwanag sa anak ang naging desisyon ko.

This is probably for the best. He will have his peace of mind with his new family, and Air and I will be better off without him. My son can still grow up and be a better person even without a father. Nagawa ko ngang mag-isa noon kahit wala akong mga magulang, si Air pa kaya? Nandito naman ako para sa kanya. I promise to love him twice as much until my very last breath. I thought yet I couldn't shake off the slight stinging under my eyes and the growing weight on my chest.