In the middle

Chapter 22

I sat in my bed, a cover wrapped around me. I didn't want to move, I hadn't moved for a week. My phone had gone off a million times, I had only answered it once. When my mum called. She has the news app on her phone and she is able to use it overseas. She read the article.

Three siblings dead after a drive-by. Bullets went through the living room window killing three and injuring the father. He was rushed to the hospital but is in good condition.

A photo of Millie on the porch steps clutching herself crying after she has seen her kids is the main image. I can't look at it, it makes my stomach turn and flip whenever I see it. I haven't been to work for ages.
All I think about is how Hannah and her siblings are dead, they are dead and it's because of me. I was the one who got into trouble and met Julian and Taylor and the rest of them. I was the one who persuaded Hannah to be friends with Taylor, it was me who kissed Julian. It was me who went back to him not only after his enemies shot at me but also after I found out what his "Family Business" is and what they have done to people.
Hannah didn't even want any part of this, she wanted out, she wanted a normal life. I took that away from her. This was all my fault, Hannah and her siblings are dead and its all my fault.

A loud knock sounded at my door but I didn't move. It wasn't the first time, Julian had come around earlier. He had knocked on the door and begged to come in but I didn't let him. I couldn't open the door, I couldn't look at him.
What would happen if I looked at him? Would I go back to him? I couldn't just go back. What would that prove? That I didn't care about Hannah? That I didn't care about anyone else's safety but my own.

'ZOIE?' I could hear the voice. It was Julian, tears slid down my cheeks. 'ZOIE? Please just let me know you're okay!' He talked through the door. I got up and stood in the hallway. He wanted to know if I was okay? I wasn't okay, my best friend in the entire world was dead. I wasn't okay.
But I couldn't bring myself to say it.

I don't know why but I found myself walking closer and closer to the door. I pulled myself back. More tears slid down my cheeks, I didn't want this. I wanted to go to an Ivy Leauge school and doing something with my life.
My best friend was dead, this should be the biggest stop sign ever.
I kept feeling his touch, the way he looked at me. I kept remembering his smell and how he kissed my forehead. I wanted that right now, but I couldn't cave in.

This was all too much. Maybe if I opened the door, maybe if I saw him I would be able to remind myself why I am better alone. I clicked the door open.

There he stood. His face dark and sad. 'Zoie.' He spoke like all the wind had been sucked out of him.
'Are you okay?' He asked. It felt like such a stupid, selfish question to ask. Was I okay? I wanted him to march up to Milly and ask the same thing. That would be my answer.

'What do you want?' I pulled words out of empty spaces in my mind. I hadn't talked in so long I forgot my own words.
'I'm sorry, this is all my fault.' It stunned me hearing those words from someone else. I took a step back in shock.
'No, none of it your fault.'
'What?' He sounded confused of where to stand.
'It's mine, Hannah is dead because of me.' Actually saying those words were harder then I could have ever thought them. Tears pricked at my eyes and they were quick to fall. My throat felt tight and I lost all air. I bit my bottom lip, I had to try and hold myself together as much as I could.

'Zoie!' He took a step forward as if to catch me but I stumbled back. 'No, please. Hannah is dead because of me. Because I made her trust you and your family. I made her be friends with Taylor because I liked you and because I liked her. I can't... I'm sorry. Please just leave me alone.' I cried and quickly closed the door. I slid down it and curled into a puddle on the floor. I didn't want this anymore. I didn't want this pain, this horrible aching pain. 

Mum had come home again. I know she didn't want to but she was here. Today was Hannah, Kate, and Liam's funeral. Today I was burying my best friend. I wore Hannahs favourite black dress. Milly had asked me to wear it, she wanted something like this to bring Hannah close today.
I checked out my damp reflection in the mirror. It felt like an insult to wear this, I had killed her and now I was prowling around in her clothes.
'Hey.' Mum called from my bedroom doorway. 'You ready to go?' I didn't look at her. I was afraid if I met her eyes I would spill everything. I was afraid she would see me as a murderer.

The cemetery was packed, school friends of Kate and Liams where here, as well as family and family friends. I looked around but I couldn't see Taylor. Milly asked where she was and I said she couldn't come because her family was currently not in the state. It hurt to say, Milly lost her children and I had lied to her face.
What will I do next? Burn her house down? I was a monster.

'May they always Find peace in heaven. Their gifted souls will know only happiness and love. Their spirits live on within all of us. May they remind us all to live for today and live without regrets, Amen.' The priest finished his saying and we all prayed. I was sitting beside Milly, she was shrieking the entire time. I hugged her but it felt like I would burn up into flames at any moment.
I felt horrible, this was all my fault.

I watched as their caskets got lowered. I wanted to hug onto Hannah's and never let go. I wanted to die down in that hole where she would lay for the rest of eternity.
This isn't fair! Hannah wanted so much more, she deserved so much more.

I laid still in Hannahs bed. I didn't want to breathe this aching pain anymore, but I deserved it. And what about the pain Milly was feeling? She didn't deserve that, she didn't deserve any pain like this. This should have never happened, Hannah had warned me about this. I didn't listen and now she was dead.

There was a knock at the door and Milly walked in. I quickly sat up and hugged my knees. 'Hey, baby. You look beautiful in that dress.' I didn't dare say it but I knew Hannah would have looked better.
I couldn't breathe anymore. I had to confess. 'Milly! I have been keeping something from you, this is all my fault. Hannah has to be dead because of me, it's not fair. I'm so sorry. I am so so sorry.' I cried pathetically.
A simple tear fell from her face.
'You didn't do anything wrong. Hannah was her own women if she got into trouble its because she put herself there. She was independent and no one could change her mind. Not even you baby girl. There is no use blaming yourself for any of this.' I shook my head. It wasn't true, it was my fault.

'Hannah had told me you two were friends with a girl who's family was trapped in a certain life. She used to pray the girl would be alright. She was smart, she would have gotten herself out of trouble if she needed to.' I hated the thought that Hannah had prayed, Hannah was never really religious like her mum.

'The three of them are gone cause they were needed somewhere else. Someone else needed their love and kindness and beauty more, I am just lucky I got to experience having them in a lifetime.' More tears slipped away.

'I am so sorry!' I cried.
'I know you are, it's okay.' She hugged me and kissed my head. 'I...I don't know what to do from here?'
'You need to stay true to who you are. If you love this boy and if you love this girl you keep them in your life.'
'But... what if I shouldn't?'
'God never gives anyone to you that you don't need. You needed Hannah once and now these two need you. If they really don't belong in your life they won't be there.' She wrapped her arms around me and kissed my head again. 'It's okay, you're okay. We are gonna be okay! Just please, never forget my babies.' I shook my head.

'I could never.'