HIDDEN - 𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐚 - l.m

f i f t e e n

I didn't leave my room for two weeks, only for school and showers. I didn't even went downstairs to eat with my family, seeing Nick again would've made me anxious. In these two weeks, Nick and I ignored each other, only if we saw each other but that didn't really happen. We probably wouldn't know how to act if we were in a room together.

Michelle and Emily were the only two people I talked to, but I barely spoke to them. I saw them at school, they knew the story and they didn't force me into acting like nothing was wrong. They did tried to get me out of the house, but accepted the fact that I didn't want to.

I had so many missed calls on my phone, all the guys had tried to hit me up and check on me. I listened to all their voicemails and read all their messages, but never replied. They made me cry every time, they really tried their best to cheer me up and to be sure they were okay. All in their own way, Julian would tell me how his day went and would tell me something I 'really shouldn't tell anyone else because it was too embarrassing' which would made laugh. Frank tried to share a song he'd like, all of then being happy songs so it wouldn't tear me down. Danny sent me at least five memes a day and tried to find a cute puppy video every once a while. I think they'd knew I read everything and watched everything, because even though they didn't get any response, they never stopped.

And Logan.

I didn't talk to him either, after I told him Nick didn't hurt me psychically, I asked him for some space. He called me everyday, but not wanting me to pick up because he knew I wouldn't be able to talk. He would leave a message that I could listen. Sometimes he just ranted about his day, which weren't as bright either, sometimes he'd tell me how much he still loved me. He visited me at school once, wanting to see me, but when I saw him on the parking lot I turned around and waited for him to leave. He did, later that day he left a voicemail behind in which he cried.

I've felt selfish, on many days. I realized I was hurting Logan and my friends by acting like this, I never thought I was able to act like this. But I've never felt emotions like this before. I've never been in love, nothing in my life had been close to the feeling I had when I was around Logan. Knowing that that feeling wouldn't be the same if I would see Logan now, broke my heart the most. Logan used to be my happy spot, where I would go to with adrenaline because I was scared of Nick finding out, but forgetting about all that the second I was with him.

For two weeks, I've felt like a complete piece of shit. I knew that I hurt Nick's feelings in a way no one else could've done it. The only one I called with once was Chris, he said that I needed to pick up and that I didn't have to talk but just listen. He told me about how Nick went to his place after he found out about Logan and I, and how he cried not believing I lied to him like this.

Never in a billion years, I would've thought that I could hurt my 21 year old brother like that. That was the worst part of it all, it wasn't even Nick being mad at us, it was Nick being sad.

After two weeks of complete silence between my brother and I, he walked in to my room at three am, laying down next to mee without saying a word. I ended up cuddling myself into his arms and just cry for fifteen minutes. I told him sorry a thousand times, even when he made sure it was okay.

We didn't sleep that night, we talked till the sunrise, about everything. We also cried a lot, realizing how much we lost from each other the last few months. I really loved Nick and even during the insecure times, I never stopped saying that. That night, I told him many times. He told me that before he found out about Logan, he was afraid that I started hating him because I got older and realized that I could live my own life. It broke my heart that he thought I stopped loving him the way that I used to.