In the End

29 ~ Alive

"I made a decision that I regret." I sniffle. "I went on vacation and I kissed someone who wasn't my boyfriend."

"Oh."

Yeah, oh. "I kissed him the entire trip. I-I don't know what happened."

"He was there, and your boyfriend wasn't." He supplies.

"No, it's more than that." I wish it was that simple. "It felt so right, and I know, on some level it is right. But I fucked it up."

"How so?"

"I like messing things up because I'm scared." I admit. "It's not on purpose. I swear, it really isn't. I'm so convinced I'm going to lose this thing, that I'm afraid to take it."

He stays silent.

"Growing up, on the rare occurrence dad was in a good mood, I'd try to find a way to piss him off." I confess. "The boys always tried so hard to please him... but I thought if I got used to a dad who was loving and kind, that it'd hurt even worse when that version disappeared."

The instances were few and far in between, but that's when I was the most terrified of him. Life was unpredictable.

"I didn't like doing it. It stressed mom out, but I figured he hated me anyways, so it didn't matter. I already felt bad. It was my fault life was so difficult." It's crazy to imagine how much happier everyone would've been if there wasn't hospital bill after hospital bill. Special doctors and special, expensive food. All the medicine and it sickens me to acknowledge how expensive EpiPens are.

"The way your father acted was not your fault." He says and I want to cry. The only other people who have ever said that to me was Aspen and Jay.

"I know I can't afford to go to college, so I only applied to community colleges." I didn't even want to see if I could pull a scholarship. I didn't want to get excited for a future I couldn't have. No one else knows that. I guess it will come out soon enough when acceptance letters come rolling in.

Mom will be so disappointed. She'd do anything for me to go to my dream school and I can't let her do that.

"Jovie."

"The list could go on." I kick the ground. "Like I said, I ruin things. When Beau moved, I thought I could date him as a practice round."

He takes a long drag of his cigarette and I feel the judgment.

"It sounds horrible, but we're young. I thought we could have a cute, short-lived high school relationship. He is cute and nice and genuinely took an interest in me. I was so desperate for it to work. For once I didn't want to ruin it." I dry my eyes. And somehow I still did.

"He really did treat me like trash." I admit what I've known all along.

"So everyone was right?"

They were. "He forgot about my allergies after weeks of me explaining them to him. It's hard to remember, I know, but he tried kissing me after eating peanut butter and didn't even consider mentioning my allergies to his mom." And that's just the tip of the ice burg. "He made me feel like everything I hated feeling like."

The way I look. The way I act. The way he viewed my family. Nothing was the way he wanted and I let him treat me like that.

"Then why did you date him?"

"Because I was scared of the real relationship I could've had." I finally say it out loud. Years of running and panicking and I acknowledge it on my front porch to a middle-aged man. "But it doesn't matter because I cheated on him and that makes me the bad guy. I'm the one who used him. I'm the one who betrayed him, even if he picked fights and insulted me."