How to Top

35 :: saying always & being okay

There wasn't a point to speak to anyone, or even see anyone the more he thought about it. Hell, if his sister wasn't stubborn, he would have asked her to leave him alone like the others.

Existing was the least of his cares. He couldn't even bring himself to eat, to get up, or look at the face of another when there was no reason to.

Every breath he took was labored, forced even, like he wanted to suffocate and wither away until he matched the nothingness that devoured him.

Why continue if his body didn't have the strength to, was how it felt like. Why continue to exist if there was no other purpose, when all you ever loved was stripped from you, and made you realize your life was meant to be spent alone?

Maybe it would be like that for a while, who knew. He didn't know anything anymore.

"Are you even listening to me?" Hyejung asked, sighing. He heard her shift and wondered how long she sat there but quickly lost interest. As per usual.

"Can you at least see your friends? They've been calling, wondering when they can see you," She said. At that, Jeongguk tensed.

"Yugyeom, San, and Jae are worried."

"I don't want to see them," He croaked, adam's apple bobbing in his throat.

"You need them right now. You need somebody. Even if it's not me, you need someone," Hyejung whispered, scooting forward in her chair, her fingers trying to reach Jeongguk's but he quickly retracted his hand back.

"I don't need anyone," He said thickly, letting his eyelids fall shut, mind begging for sleep to take over him so he could just forget for some time. "I'm fine."

"Gguk," She tried again, but of course, he shut her out. "You can't give up. This isn't the end for you. If you fight—,"

"— There's no reason to fight," He interrupted her, jaw stiff, tight as his knuckles whitened at his sides, the sheets nothing while he dug his fingers into his palm.

"I tore my fucking acl," Jeongguk murmured, "It is a major injury that requires months of physical rehab, but even then, noona, it's no guarantee if I can play the same way. Hell, I'd be lucky to even play after surgery."

"Don't say that," Hyejung started, suddenly cut off by dry, hollow laughter.

"Give it up already," Jeongguk snapped, shaking his head bitterly, eyes burning. "Just fucking shut up and stop trying to say there's hope when there isn't any at all, alright?"

"I gave up. You should too."

"Don't say that," Hyejung stiffened.

"Why not? It's the truth," Jeongguk spat.

"You're not yourself right now," She whispered lowly, words trembling. Jeongguk scoffed, finally whipped his head to the side, hands shaking, nails painfully digging into his skin.

Her face broke him: another blow to his already fragile heart. Prominent dark circles were beneath her red rimmed eyes, her hair thrown into a careless ponytail with tendrils falling all over her face. She hadn't changed since the tournament.

Bu the way she trembled, her lips folded into this strange frown, her own breathing unable to keep up with her exhausted body, Jeongguk wanted nothing more but to take her pain, but at the same time he couldn't bear it.