The Unexpected Path

Chapter 13 - Lucas

How can I hate him and miss him at the same time? I miss him so fucking much. I need him and he's nowhere to be found. I kick the punching bag again when I feel tears prick the back of my eyes. Motherfucker.

I'm going at it before I can even make sense of what I'm doing. I hit the bag with jab after jab, hook and cross, roundhouse kicks, throwing my entire body into each hit until I can't feel my limbs anymore. I hit the bag so hard that my skin is burning and pinked up from the friction of the leather on my skin. My muscles are screaming in pain now that they're overworked and overused. But I welcome it.

I welcome the bodily pain because it's so much easier to tolerate than the pain inside of me. The pain inside of my head. I can't heal or fix that pain. There isn't a remedy. I have to live with that pain every waking minute of my life. It's like I'm trying to outrun myself but I can't because I'm trapped in my own body, surrounded by my own demons. Everyday I'm suffocating and screaming for help but nobody sees me. Nobody cares. I only have myself.

"Fuck!" I punch the bag one final time and my knees give out on me. I sink the floor and lie down on my back, breathing hard and trying to get my pulse under control. I can feel every inch of my body pulsing in exhaustion but at least it distracts me from everything else in my life, if just for a moment. But moments never fucking last, do they? Like everything else in life, they reach an end. My moment of peace is gone and the second I close my eyes I see Mom. The image of her in the hospital and silently crying in her sleep because she's hurting so bad hits me square in the chest.

Nausea bursts through me and I bolt upright, staggering to my feet and making a run for it. I head for the locker rooms and barely make it to the stall in time to throw up in the toilet, all the alcohol leaving my system in a flurry. My throat burns from the acidity and my eyes water. I heave so hard my stomach clenches painfully and it makes me want to hold back the vomit but I know that'll only make me feel shittier. I stuff two fingers in my mouth and poke at the back of my throat until the remainder of the contents of my stomach flood out of me. I cough and sputter through it all, panting hard and wiping the sweat out of my eyes. Jesus fuck. I lean back against the stall, my head falling back. It fucking stinks in here and makes me even more nauseous but I can't move. I'm so goddamn tired. I don't want to feel anything anymore.

I'm aware of the hot tears slipping down my face but I ignore them, pretend like I'm not losing my shit right now. I already feel like a fucking failure. I don't want to be a pussy on top of that. Shouldn't I be stronger than this? Why am I falling apart and making a mess of everything? Why don't I have what it takes? And if I don't have what it takes then why the fuck is this happening to me in the first place?

"Damn it all to hell," I kick the stall door open and reluctantly get to my feet. I feel like I'm made of fucking jello as I drag myself to the sink and wash myself up. Thank fuck the bathrooms are fully equipped. I grab a one-use toothbrush and squirt some toothpaste on, brushing the hell out of my teeth and tongue to get the disgusting aftertaste gone. I don't want to remember this happened to me for another fucking second.

I still feel repulsive so I drag my ass to the showers, stripping off my clothes and tossing them in the trash can. They have puke all over them and I'm not interested in cleaning them up. I turn the water on to maximum heat and scrub myself until my skin is nearly red. I just want to get this feeling off — the feeling of exhaustion, failure, and so much fucking sadness. I'm tired of being so goddamn sad and hiding it in plain sight. When I'm convinced I've officially scraped off all of my skin cells, I lean against the divider and let the hot water run all over me. For a brief moment I find myself wishing the water would rise to the top and drown me so I can finally find escape. It's a fucked up thought and I curse as soon as it passes through my head. What's happening to me?