A Dance of Life

22

The elderly woman insists I call her Nicole as we're heading to the bus. She believes it gives her a youthful air, but I think her personality does that all by itself.

"I'll give you some space since the bus isn't full," she tells me, making a beeline for a seat at the back.

There are six passengers on board, including the two of us; I guess not a lot of people like to travel at night. I relax into a window seat in the middle and place my backpack beside me.

Alone with my thoughts, I wrap a small blanket I carried from home around me and recline my chair.

You work in mysterious ways, don't You? I had to switch my plans up after almost spilling my plan to Nathan and You immediately opened a door. Nathan, I sigh, bringing my fingers to my lips, why'd he have to kiss me?

You kissed him back, remember?

I thought I had hit the jackpot with Frederic because we met at some Christian event but he turned out to be such a terrible person. I pull the cover closer to my face so it soaks my tears. How could I have ever thought about marrying him? What would have happened to me if I did? The relationship would probably have ended up being so toxic; he obviously didn't love me.

What about all the love? Nathan's voice says in my head.

Love. Why would he kiss me after talking about love? He must have been speaking in general terms. But what about what he said to Diana? The weight of my actions presses on my shoulders and my heart contracts. I hope D.R. doesn't hate me for this, I hope that she'll understand that I didn't see another way out.

I halt my thoughts before my heart starts physically hurting and take inventory of my snacks, setting alarms at an hour and a half intervals for each one, seeing as they're going to provide us with food. Once I'm done I plug in my earphones and hit shuffle; letting the music take over me.

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Nothing of consequence happens in the following 31 hours. I turn off my phone so no one can reach me and spend my time eating, sleeping, peeing, praying, and reading a book. Nicole really meant what she said about giving me space, which I appreciate; the only time I communicate with her is when I'm coming back from the bathroom and she gives me a smile. I also make sure to take short walks at each stop so that my legs don't cramp up and I can get blood flowing through my body... especially for the babies.

I'm not proud to be pregnant; it completely derailed my life... but if I don't hate the journey, is that a bad thing? It's not their fault, I remind myself, they didn't ask to be created in such a violent manner so they shouldn't be blamed. Evil isn't transferable through DNA; it's cultivated throughout a lifetime.

I rub my tummy, wondering what it would look like in some months. Wondering what I would look like.

You'll find out soon enough when you meet Nicole's daughter-in-law.

I groan as I remember the arrangement, how am I going to be taking care of a newborn baby? How on earth did I think it was a good idea? I don't have any freaking experience.

I shift my thoughts to the real reason I had felt confident about leaving town and allow myself a small smile of hope.

I'm coming home, Papa, I think, laying my head on the window, after all this time I'm finally coming home.

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Nicole wakes me up with a tap on my shoulder. "We're here," she tells me with a smile.