METANOIA | TK

Chapter Thirteen

"What happened?" He finally asks when Taehyung takes his fingers back, letting a sigh fall out of his lips before he wipes his face with his hands, like he's trying to take something Jeongguk can't see off his body, probably off his soul as well.

"Nothing. I'm just tired from my shift today. Thank you for coming here. I don't think I have enough energy left in my body to move." Taehyung mumbles, leaning his his back on the wooden bench and closing his eyes.

He does look tired, from the bags under his eyes to the way he sighs but, during his almost 28 years of life and many experiences, Jeongguk's realized that tiredness isn't necessarily a lack of sleep.

"Would you like to go back to my place? It's warm outside, we can take a nap on the terrace."

Taehyung turns towards him, nodding slowly, and Jeongguk smiles before getting up, taking the bag of strawberries and the two unfinished smoothies in his hand. He reaches out for Taehyung, the other staring at his hand for a few seconds before he takes it in his own, squeezing, like he doesn't want Jeongguk to let go. The older doesn't think he'll be able to even if he has to, someday, let go.

As soon as they get home Jeongguk collects blankets and pillows, setting them on the spacious and comfortable armchair from the terrace. He brings the strawberries and smoothies too but Taehyung's doesn't look like he wants to eat, merely sitting down and staring up, a contrast between his mind and his personality. They stay like the last time, with Jeongguk's back pressed against the soft armchair while Taehyung settles on his chest with the blanket set over them booth.

In the course of three days, Jeongguk's managed to have the construction company already start building in his terrace so he thinks it will only take a few more days until everything is ready. He's always wanted to have an open space for himself so he's designed his terrace to have a green part, with a table and a few chairs, a cozy place, like the armchair their using and somewhere he could relax, an exterior bathtub. Everything's white, modern, the accent wall having the same golden concept like the ones inside, but Taehyung doesn't say anything, like he doesn't even notice, probably too caught up in whatever he's feeling.

Jeongguk thinks that the other falls asleep at some point but, when Taehyung reaches for his hand under the blanket, squeezing, he knows he's still awake. His voice proves him that Taehyung, probably, wouldn't be able to fall asleep even if he'd like to.

"Do you ever feel lost?" He asks, his words dying in the air, this time the sunshine staring back at them instead of the usual moon.

Taehyung, Jeongguk realizes once again, is unique. His personality, his mind, everything about him could tell everyone that he's the happiest person, that he has everything he needs and wants, that he finds happiness in the smallest things. However, Jeongguk knows that's not true. He's seen his eyes whenever he talked about the stars, whenever they were together, he's seen the way Taehyung looks under his daily mask, and he knows he's sad. He's not mourning, like he's lost someone, but the sadness is still there. He just can't find the reason.

"Do you feel lost, Taehyung?" He asks instead of offering an answer he doesn't even have, playing with Taehyung's hair, the other closing his eyes in bliss at the touch.

"Sometimes. I feel like I have everything I ever wanted but, at the same time, I feel like I don't have anything at all. I find happiness in something, or someone, and it makes me really glad, joyful, until I realize that everything we feel, see, hold, is ephemeral, until my mind decides that maybe happiness isn't for me, that maybe I'm not even worth it." He takes a break but Jeongguk doesn't stop playing with his hair, realizing that Taehyung is finally opening up to him, slowly, but surely. When he talks again, his voice breaks so painfully that Jeongguk feels the need, and he does so, to pull him closer. "I can't help but feel like I'm fucking broken, like I can't work normally as any other human being."

He stops, takes a deep breath, and Jeongguk realizes Taehyung's crying only when he hears him sniffle. However, he still doesn't want him to stop, so he doesn't say anything, letting the other calm down before he starts talking again.

"I've never put myself on the first place and this might seem fucking selfish but I want to care about myself too! I've always thought about making others happy, god dammit. I-I can't allow myself to be happy, to smile cheerfully and stop caring, when I know that there are others out there that don't have families, food on their plates, water or anything at all. I-I have everything I wanted but I'm so disappointed in the world we live in and its cruelty."

Jeongguk makes sure to hold Taehyung as he cries because he knows, he knows that broken pieces can be easily lost if they're not kept together, if they're not cared for. He kisses the top of his head, playing with his hair, and lets him cry because it's ok to do so, to let everything out. When Taehyung calms down, Jeongguk making sure that the tears are wiped from his rosy cheeks, he turns towards him, his long lashes seeming even longer now that they're wet, yet so painfully beautiful.

Jeongguk knows now that Taehyung isn't just someone he should've met, not in a normal way. No, he's sure that somewhere, up in the unknown sky they know and don't at the same time, a destiny was written for them to meet in that art gallery. He takes a deep breath and tries to voice his feelings as best as he can, hoping that Taehyung can understand then that he is worth happiness and so much more, that Jeongguk can give him it, that they can give each other what they've both needed.

"Maybe you are lost, Taehyung, but being lost isn't always a bad thing. Caring for others, for the world, so much, to the extent that you can't allow yourself happiness just proves how beautiful your soul is. You're someone the world, this cruel but astonishingly beautiful world, would be, and is, proud and happy to have. We do live in cruelty and war but, if we look around, there's peace, Taehyung, and happiness. There's beauty only us can see, there are birds, animals, forests full of silence, there's the sky we love and the earth that holds us, there's so much more. We just have to look at them, to care for them." He takes a deep breath, smiling softly before he reaches his hand to cup the other's cheek lovingly, feeling his own eyes sting. "Taehyung, in order to find yourself or to get found by someone you firstly have to get lost, that's something one of my friends always says and I realize that he might be right. You've been lost, Taehyung, but you can be found and when that'll happen, you'll shine brighter than ever because you'll know what side you deserve to look at then."

He knows it's not the greatest choice of words because he isn't Namjoon, a professional in philosophy, or someone really good with words but he thinks it's the best he can do for now, it's the gold he has melted in order to keep Taehyung's broken pieces from falling apart even more. It's not much but it's all he can give so, when he pulls the other closer and kisses him, he's surprised to feel Taehyung's equal hunger as he grips onto his shirt and sighs on his lips.

It feels like Taehyung isn't the only one pieced together in the end because Jeongguk's veins seem to be flooding with melted gold in that moment of warmth.