METANOIA | TK

Chapter Twelve

A few weeks ago he would have answered the same, that he feared unknown feelings and what they could bring, but now, as the warmth of the song envelopes him, as Taehyung's eyes watch his every move, Jeongguk realizes that fears aren't constant. They evolve, they get better or worse, they disappear or they stay there for life, but they're not constant. His thoughts go towards the image of a star, something that reminds him of Taehyung, something that isn't constant and something that changes, and changes, until it has to beautifully disappear. Getting rid of a fear feels good, it feels like your problems have finally been solved, just like the death of a star is, beautiful, powerful, lethal, but it's never good because, getting rid of one fear just brings others into question.

"I'm afraid of not finding something constant in my life but I guess that's not exactly a fear. I used to be afraid of not being good enough to be loved but I realized on the way that there isn't a good enough. There's just— enough, I guess. I can be just enough for someone and that would be all I'd need. I don't have to be the best or perfect, we're humans and we have flaws but some people might see those flaws as something good. I guess we just have to find the right people."

By the time he's finished Taehyung is already smiling while he's playfully swirling his wine in his glass.

"I think constants aren't fun. You could have a constant star, like our Sun, or a falling one, a meteor. You're already used to the Sun, the constant, so maybe a shooting star, something new, unexpected, would be better, would make you feel alive."

Jeongguk ends up smiling because, in the end, Taehyung is right. "Yeah, that's true. Everything in my life's been constant until now but I've never even realized it. I have the job I wanted, I have my family, my friends, everything I grew up with. I never experienced something new."

When Taehyung perches his elbows on the desk, leaning his chin on his palms, a teasing smile displayed on his face, Jeongguk almost wants to get up and kiss him. He almost does it.

"Then, we could say I'm your shooting star, right? Make your wish before I vanish."

Oh.

Jeongguk smiles as well, pretending to think about his wish, Taehyung watching him with curious eyes, his head tilted to the side, a dangling earring getting lost in his hair. "Then, I wish you'd let me see you more, Taehyung. The real you, the one I met in the art gallery and next to the pond, the one I saw on the terrace a few moments ago."

Taehyung laughs as he gets up from the table, leaning down to take a hold of Jeongguk's hand and pull him up from the chair.

"That Taehyung is also this Taehyung, there are hundreds of personas inside everyone but we just have to embrace them all, Jeongguk. The way my mom sees me is different from my friends' view or from my teachers'. The way you see me is different but that's the greatness of existing. Everyone knows you to the extent you're allowing them too and, sometimes, you realize you don't even know yourself. You'll see that Taehyung again someday if you want to, he's always here. Just not everyone gets him."

Jeongguk lets himself be pulled up, mesmerized, by Taehyung, laughing when the other circles his arms around his neck in an attempt to swirl around him on his wobbly feet.

"Are we dancing now?" He asks, Taehyung tilting his head as he smiles.

"Maybe. Do you not want to?"

Jeongguk shakes his head, leaning down to press a kiss on Taehyung's lips, the other humming happily before they part ways. "I do, c'mon, show me how good your moves are."

Oh, that's all they need to hear before they switch the song to a more catchy one, Taehyung doing all kinds of drunken movements on the beat while Jeongguk shows him his dancing skills from his former college classes. He is tipsy but Taehyung is still amazed by his moves, especially when he drops to the floor on his hands, managing to handstand as he does it but still hitting his nose on the floor in the end.