Lovers

Change

Hi hi hi! This is one of my favorite chapters in the book... my same warnings as the last chapter still apply though. This is a really sweet one so I hope you all like it. Let me know what you think will happen to Harper and Patrick! Comment/vote please and thank you! xxx
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October 22, 2028

Harper

I sit with Millie on Taylor's sofa as we wait for dinner to be ready and make small talk with Taylor and Joe. I have to admit, while I'd normally be snuggled up next to Patrick, I'm keeping my distance tonight. I know that he didn't mean to hurt my feelings with his words, but he did, and I'm not quite ready to have this talk with him yet.

I know deep down that he's right. That I need to suck it up, be a big girl, and a good role model for Madeline. That I shouldn't care about my weight. I'm successful and living my dreams. Why should it matter?

In spite of all that, when I put on that dress today, all of those scary feelings that I'd nearly pushed out of my brain came flooding back. I couldn't help but inspect myself in the mirror, and see that remnant of a baby bump. I'm worried that somebody is going to think that I'm expecting a child, not that I've already had one. That could create an uncomfortable situation for me and for that other person.

I just don't want that pocket of fat that's still on my tummy to show. I don't like it being there, and I just wish it would go away already. I don't care what Patrick thinks about the situation, I'm not comfortable with it and I wish he would understand that.

When dinner is served, I know that Patrick is relieved to see that I'm eating it up, becuase he reaches over and squeezes my thigh under the table. I stick my leg over and give him a little kick on the ankle in response to that.

He presses his lips together and turns his attention back to his own plate of food.

I know it's immature of me to be acting the way that I am. I'm just bothered by his words today, and I guess that I want to make sure that he knows it before the two of us actually sit down and have a civil conversation.

I really did think that, in spite of everything, Patrick and I were doing a pretty good job at keeping our little row from Taylor and Joe, but when after dinner, she insists on showing me something upstairs, I start to think otherwise.

"Harper," she says, sitting down with me on her bed, "are you alright? You and Patrick have been off today."

"Yeah, I'm fine," I say, diverting my eyes to the wall to avoid making eye contact with Taylor. If I didn't want to have this conversation with Patrick, I really don't want to have it with Taylor. "P and I just had a little row earlier. We are fine."

"I don't think you are, becuase you two don't seem nearly as loved up as you usually are," she insists. "What happened, if you don't mind me asking?"

There it is. The question I didn't want to discuss.

Letting out a sigh, I realize there's no way out of this one.

"I just said that I didn't like the way I looked in a dress that I had on, and he got defensive and said some snippy things, and I suppose that I haven't been handling it very maturely," I say. I bite my lip and suddenly feel a wave of tears coming on. Something that I've been, in all honesty, fighting back since I first put on that stupid dress and looked in the mirror.

"Honey," Taylor says, her motherly instincts kicking in as she wraps me in her arms and holds me, as if I was a little kid, "I think you're struggling with something deeper than you're letting on right now."

"I just... god, it's so dumb. I mean, people in this world are dying, and I'm concerned about the remnants of a baby bump."

Taylor sighs. "That's what I was worried this was all about. I struggled with the same thing following giving birth to Audrie. You and I are more alike than you know, Harper. I think Joe and I had a similar disagreement a handful of times before he finally made me go to therapy. Not a lot of people know that about me... but I've been going for a while now, and it's helped so much. With so many aspects of my life."

"No, that's just the thing," I insist. "I don't want to go spill my life secrets to some stranger and have them think they know what's best for me. He's been threatening since he caught me with that bloody tea, and I've weaseled my way out of it every time, but-"

"What tea are you talking about?" Taylor asks.

Oh god, oh god, oh god.

I've just blurted out one of the only things that I've never told anybody. Patrick and I agreed that it could be our own secret, and I wanted to keep it that way.

"It's nothing, forget it."

"Have you been hurting yourself somehow?" she asks me.

"No, no... it was a few years ago, and a really dumb move on my part. I recognize that, and it made me so sick that I would never do it again. On top of that, Patrick said he was going to make me go to therapy if he ever found out I used it again. I think he thinks that I am... he brought it up today, and he hasn't brought it up since... pretty much the day that I last used it."

"Harper, honey," Taylor says to me, "I think that you need to rethink your priorities now. I know it's hard to hear, but you've got to get your head in the right space to care for both Harper and Millie now. It's not just Harper anymore. That's a game changer, and that's what made me finally realize that it was time to start talking to a professional... well, that and Joe nearly dragging me the the appointment." She laughs. "It's been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. For real."

"I'm just so scared."

"Of what?"

"Of everything," I admit. "I can't even give you one specific word to describe what I'm scared of."

"Change," Taylor tells me. "I think you're scared of all of the changes going on right now. It's a hard time in your life. You're over the novelty of having a newborn baby, and you made it out of the transition period alive, but now you're struggling with the fact that it's your reality for the rest of your life now. You adapted so well when she first came... almost too well, and now, it's all coming crashing down."

I take a deep breath, realizing that she's putting my thoughts into words.

"How did you get all of that?" I ask.

"Like I said, you and I are a lot more alike than you thought. Now, I need you to promise me that you're going to have a mature, civilized conversation with Patrick when you're home, because he loves you so much, and he just wants what is best for you, okay?"

"Okay," I say. "Thanks, T."

"Now, there's a chocolate cake downstairs just waiting to be eaten. I've never met a problem that hasn't been temporarily fixed by chocolate."