LOCKDOWN

Chapter 15

There was no denying it — Peyton was avoiding me. After what had happened between us last night I didn't exactly blame her, but I thought she might've wanted to talk about it. Apparently not. When I went downstairs this morning to make breakfast, she had muttered a quick 'morning' before quickly darting around me and running upstairs, slamming her bedroom door shut behind her.

I had barely slept last night, tossing and turning before eventually giving up and watching Netflix on my laptop. I couldn't stop thinking about what had happened between the two of us. She had wanted to kiss me, and I had the overwhelming urge to let her. She had told me that I was 'nice to look at'. Was that her way of saying she thought I was attractive? The thoughts consumed me and I knew there was absolutely no way I could just move on from this. I knew I needed to speak to her.

What shocked me more than her wanting to kiss me was the fact that I had wanted to kiss her back. I had never had the urge to kiss anyone, ever. Why was the first person I wanted to kiss, the only person I'd ever had a problem with. The feelings I had experienced while sitting beside her were unlike anything I had ever felt before. I could feel heartbeat in my throat as her arm brushed against mine, and a swooping feeling in my stomach occurred every time she laughed.

Is this what being attracted to someone felt like? I wouldn't know — I had never been attracted to anyone before. Sure, I found certain people attractive, but that didn't automatically equal being attracted to them. I had considered messaging the girls last night to ask them for their advice, but I thought better of it. I knew they wouldn't judge me for having curiosities about my sexuality, but they would certainly judge me for having curiosities about Peyton. I also considered searching lesbian porn to see if my body reacted in any way, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Instead, I settled for googling questions about sexuality, and by morning my search history was practically several different ways to ask 'how do I know if I'm a lesbian?' It didn't help, by the way.

I made my way nervously towards her room, knocking on the door and waiting for her to open it.

"What?" she called from inside.

"I need to talk to you," I said timidly, and I heard her groan from inside the room, followed by loud footsteps, and then eventually the door swung open, revealing a thoroughly unimpressed looking Peyton.

"What?" she repeated gruffly.

"You're avoiding me," I stated, my tone coming across a lot braver than I felt.

"No, I'm not. Is that all?" she said stiffly, attempting to close the door in my face.

I stuck my foot out, stopping the door in its path. She glared at me, eventually rolling her eyes and walking towards her bed.

"Why are you avoiding me?" I asked, following her into the room.

"I'm not avoiding you, McMann," she sighed loudly, running a hand through her hair.

"You are. And I want to know why," I replied loudly.

"I'm not avoiding you. God forbid a girl just wants to spend some time alone," she said, sounding exasperated.

Given any other circumstance I would've accepted her answer, but I knew that wasn't the reason. She'd had plenty of time to spend alone over the last week, but today was different. Today she was actively avoiding me, and I knew why.

"Look, about last night..." I began, and I saw her shoulders stiffen. She was facing away from me, but I could tell she was listening intently.

"I just...I think," I stammered. "What you said...I —" I trailed off pathetically.