Little Things

Super Unhealthy Batjokes Fic

To set the scene, it was a night like any other. Approximately every month or so, a certain inmate escapes the local asylum, the last functioning barely-legal asylum in the States. There's several reasons why it's the last, the first being that "asylum" as a name means that it's basically a prison but worse, so nobody calls any facility an asylum unless as an insult.

The only reason it hasn't been replaced with a government-issued mental health facility is because Gotham lies beyond the figurative reach of common law. Gotham exists in a time and place bubbled and separated from the rest of the world. It's true that you could drive there and have lunch at a diner and leave without incident, but some say there's a supernatural force that keeps outsiders out and insiders in.

If you did find yourself in an old family diner just outside Gotham square, you'd notice how even the waitress seems to despise the very mention of the city's name. But however much these citizens complain about the crime and pollution, it will never cross their minds that they could leave. If you mentioned such a thing, they'd dismiss your wild antics as fast as the waitress could pour you another cup.

Even the crime lords and villains that run amuck there don't seem to realize there's more to ruling the world than what Gotham has to offer. Time and time again, someone will escape Blackgate Penitentiary or Arkham Asylum only to try and hide among the filth in the streets nearby instead of fleeing to another town.

Nobody ever talks about it directly, but that special something that keeps Gotham bubble wrapped and tied with a bow is the promise of a routine and the ever-present excitement of watching dark vigilantes chase brightly colored gangsters down the street. I met someone once with a calendar where he filled each square with colors according to whoever got beaten up by the Bat the night before. After several months, it was evident there was a pattern and he even started to predict who would be caught next. Needless to say, he was somewhat accurate but never thought to share this calendar until long after he let the habit die.

That first week of the calendar always had at least one box colored half purple half green, and our certain night of interest was one of them.

.

Bruce was tired. He was so tired, but he had felt worse. A certain somebody had made themselves known earlier in the night, dooming the Bat to search for them for however long it took. His fatigue was no match for the lifestyle he chose to indulge in, and that was a fact.

Unbeknownst to anyone but himself and his butler, it had also been several weeks since he took a proper shower, settling for baby wipes and Axe body spray. It was disgusting, but not uncommon for Bruce Wayne. Night time was for prowling, day time was for acting, and whatever happened to come in between was time for sleeping; there was just no room for healthy hygiene.

On nights like this, when his armor barely needed clasps because it stuck to his sweaty ass like glue, when he couldn't remember the last time he actually fell asleep, when that certain someone is on the loose again, it was not hard to lose himself in his thoughts. And there were far too many things to think about, as a man and as a self-proclaimed figure of justice.

On nights like this, he would often trip here and there on his way across the rooftops of Gotham, only to end up in the alleyways between, barely able to stick the landing in case someone saw. Most of the time, there wasn't. But occasionally he would land right in front of a crackhead bum, which was always a refreshing experience.

This night wasn't different at all. The Batman managed to fall into two dumpsters and land in front of four total spectators over the course of the night, hitting more than six alleyways. But just as the night was turning into morning, before the sky began to light and right when the air smelled its most crisp, Bruce was getting ready to retreat to the cave and his manor with the hope of catching his prey another night. This is what made the night different.