Our hill of stars

Chapter Thirteen- The first time I believed.

                                                        This chapter is in Emery's perspective.

            Mary Crawley once said, "Would I ever admit to loving a man who preferred someone else over me?" This is a fear I have admitted to myself. I'm trapped in a perfect life, everyone thinks I have things easy. Maybe I do. It seems much harder when everyone else has some imperfection in their life but you get handed everything. Not everything, but mostly. That's what people think, it's what they know, It's what I've been told, and It's what I believed now. Society has driven me to believe my life is easier than most. Life is handed to you on a silver plate they say. Maybe it is. Maybe that's why I hid it, hid the fact I was born with an imperfection. I can't have flaws, I was supposed to be flawless as the society had once told me. My biggest fear used to be driving, I was scared of what could potentially happen on the road. The road has limits yet feels limitless. Now, I feared love, love is truly limitless. My parents make love look so easy. I'd didn't know that love takes train stops and rides over the speed bumps. You get every decision, every highway, every path. Endless. 

                  My Mom once said to me that it is better to hide from them rather than them see you. If I let people see me they judge, they laugh, and they try to insert themselves into things that were never their business in the first place. If I don't show myself everyone thinks I have it easy, my life is perfect, and they say how lucky I am and how they want my life. I have little to complain about, maybe my life is perfect. Except for the curse of going to the doctors every month. That's why I have to turn Chris down when he randomly wants to come over. I had to hide from him, how could I have told him? I would've had to say, oh yeah, by the way, Chris. I've been pretending this whole time. My life isn't perfect, you see I was born with one kidney at any time said kidney could fail. It sounds like a perfect way to end a friendship. It was risky either way. He would've figured it out, he did, the hard way of course.

              Have you ever just randomly started crying because you have been hiding all these emotions and pretending to be happy for way too long? I couldn't show that to anyone, I'd be weak. Of course, I've cracked a few times. I'm only human after all. Driven by society and told how I should act or who I should be. The first time I believed I could be myself was around Christopher. I was comfortable, he didn't care if I was weird, he was unique. Finally, I could let go. I was so unsure at first. That's why it took me so long to accept the fact that he was my best friend. 

              Ben Maxfield once said, "We both drowned under the waves of words we weren't saying." This was the truest thing I could connect with. That's what happened in our story. We drownded in the words that neither of us could say.

          "Emery," I heard a voice calling from downstairs. I didn't recognize it at first, it wasn't my parents.

          "Chris," I questioned walking downstairs as diligently as possible. There he was standing. Part of me was still upset with him for rushing off as he did. It's hard to stay mad at him. I noticed the redness on his face and the obvious wiping of tears. He came to apologize. I wasn't going to go easy on him though. I wanted to know why he left. Why he came. When I got down the stairs he rushed over me and started apologizing. I could hardly understand him, it was a rant of words. Then, out of nowhere, he says...

            "I love you, Emery. I need to know if you love me back, if not I'd be wasting time and tears. You are my beautiful Rose. Please, tell me you love me as I love you."

               I stare at him confused. How was I supposed to know my heart if I didn't even know myself? Everything froze in place my parents were staring at me for a response, Chris was standing in front of me looking helpless. "Slow down Shakespeare, why did you leave the hospital in such a rush...It made me feel like you didn't care...why did you leave, Christopher?"

               He grabs both of my hands in his and gives direct eye contact. Nothing could pull us away now and I know he's here to stay. "I didn't lose you, Emery. You're here and I'm here. Death pursued me and I was still alive, I didn't know why. I thought it was a mistake, I shouldn't be here. At that moment I felt magnetic forces pulling me to the door. I couldn't resist. I left. Vanished. Why did I leave? It pained me too much to see you in pain. I ran to the same room you'd been in. It was empty. That's how I felt; empty. My heart was pounding in my chest, they released you, I was too late. I almost collapsed as if I didn't get a response now, the whole world would end. But it wouldn't, that's how it felt. Empty. I needed to tell you now, I'm weak...I felt I truly lost you. I need you, Emery." His eyes soften and I see a side of him I rarely see. Sure, he's a little more emotional than most boys but this, this was new.

               He opens his mouth again to keep talking... "I love you," I whisper then give him a soft kiss, followed immediately by a stronger one. I couldn't resist. Something he didn't understand is that I did want him even when he thinks he's not enough. I break the kiss and say "Everything is okay, I'm not going to leave you." I stayed so close to him that I was murmuring in his mouth.

               He pulled me into him hugging me around the waist. Suddenly all the tension is gone, we relax. He whispers into my ear, "Rose, will you be my girlfriend."

                I giggle as his hot breath tickles my ear. I push away from him jokingly, "Absolutely not." I cross my arms and give him a small smile. I lip the words "Yes." This makes him smile and my parents. Suddenly we're all trapped in a group hug. Till we meet again journal, Emery Rose Baker.