The Difference Between Getting and Needing

f o r t y - t h r e e

"This would be the part where you say something," I uttered sarcastically, thinking it might strike a nerve in her. "That's how we communicate. I say something, you say something... so on."

She blinked, and that was her way of taking an axe to every bit of my self-control.

Sutton had a way of setting off my temper in record timing, more so than Gus ever could. She may have looked like someone sucked the life out of her, and maybe it was for far longer than I ever cared to notice, but I sure as hell didn't drive two hours by myself into the middle of Bumblefuck Nowheresville, Maryland for this.

"Okay Sutton, you know what?" I snapped a little harsher than I intended. The sound was jarring in the tranquil atmosphere of her house and it forced her to look my way. "I came here to try and make things right, but fuck it because apparently you're still a child. I'm sorry for making you pay my rent for so long. I should've told you the minute I moved back in with Gus and that I didn't need your help anymore, but I wanted to spite you for making me your Maid of Honor. It was a shitty thing for me to do, I know that and I am truly sorry about it, but I'm not sorry for marrying Gus. It was the best thing that has ever happened to me and if you're gonna make me feel bad about it, then I don't want you in my life."

I wasn't sure where that last part came from, but I must have sounded convincing enough because it got her to react. I was perched on the edge of the couch with an agitated, racing pulse and she was staring back at me with pure, unadulterated shock on her face.

Did I believe it? Not necessarily. Did I reach for dramatics to get a rise out of Sutton? Totally. 

She didn't dare speak, so I was more than happy to keep going. My voice wavered as I tried to recompose and continue. "I mean it. Everyone was more than happy to shit out rainbows for you and Koa. Why can't it be the same for me and Gus? All you've ever done is take jabs at our relationship. You've never understood it just because it's not like yours. Yeah, eloping with him was a little unconventional, reckless, maybe even stupid, but that's us. I'm the happiest that I have ever been and I don't feel the slightest bit sorry for doing it. I married him and I fucking love him and if you have a problem with that, then I guess we're done here."

I expected a lashing. A classic Sutton rebuttal. I waited for the storm to come into view, for the funnel cloud to form. I waited for a tired rerun of her reaction at the ceremony. For anything.

What I did not expect was for her to start crying.

And when I said crying, I meant crying. Crocodile tears. Full-blown dramatics. Strangled sobs, snotty sniffles, the whole nine yards. Sutton had always been pretty expressive with her emotions whereas I was not, but this was something I had never seen from her before.

It dawned on me that perhaps I wasn't too keen on showing emotion because it made me uncomfortable. I was the last person anyone would want to be with if they needed consoling. Sutton and I both knew this, but I still inched my way closer to her and awkwardly patted her shoulder.

"It's uh... it's okay," I cringed, both at how idiotic I sounded and how Sutton wouldn't let up on her blubbering.

A wail ripped from her throat before she finally choked out, "I'm sorry."

My hand that was pointlessly trying to comfort her stopped. I said it was the crying, but an actual apology this quick from Sutton was the last thing I expected to hear today.

"I'm s-sorry for how I freaked out on you at Dad's thing. I'm sorry if– if I ever made you feel bad about your relationship"–she hiccupped–"I'm sorry for how much shit I put you through for my w-wedding." Another choked sob interrupted her. "I-I'm sorry for being such a terrible fucking sister and human-being."