The Difference Between Getting and Needing

t h i r t y

why can't you see
we'll be a l r i g h t . . .

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When I said I was going back to bed after learning that Gus and I were married, I really meant it. The next time my eyes opened, it was eight hours later and I hadn't felt that well-rested in months. My sleeping schedule and the quality of it had been shit for so long, I forgot what it was like to wake up and not immediately feel tired.

It was six o'clock, the sun was about to set, and there was a huge chance that I'd be up all night since I slept the day away. None of that could amount to the dread I felt when I remembered I was now a wife.

I flopped onto my back so I was staring at the ceiling. A searing pain started in my thighs and spread throughout me whenever I moved, and all I could do was groan to myself in the stillness of my hotel room. It was the only way I could summarize how I felt; about everything.

"I need to stop drinking," I mumbled to myself as I scrubbed my hands over my face.

Saying it was one thing. Actually doing it was another. That was a different battle for another time.

The only source of time I had was the digital clock on the bedside table. My phone, and apparently everything else, was still in Gus' room. I hadn't bothered to go back for any of it because it would just be more concrete evidence that last night did happen. It would also be a cruel reminder that I spent my last full day in Hawaii sleeping and tomorrow, I'd be on a plane back home with my family (and my husband – fuck).

That mental image in itself was enough to make me doze off again, at least until I had to wake up at five o'clock to pack so we could all make it to the airport by six for our flight at eight. Twelve hours of traveling with my parents, with Gus, with my grandparents and my brothers and my niece. I didn't know how or when I was going to break the news to them, but I had to be thankful that Sutton wouldn't be with us.

Her and Koa had an extra week to spend in Honolulu on their honeymoon. Unlike myself and someone else I knew. I couldn't even begin to predict what her reaction would be, then again I wasn't sure if I'd be alive long enough to see it. She was going to publicly execute me, medieval-style, for the act of treason by getting married on the same damn day as her.

Why me?

I seriously planned on not leaving my bed, but the series of muted knocks at my door disrupted that. It wasn't room service, and it wasn't my sister because she would have already let herself in with the spare key she got for my room. Talk about a lack of privacy.

Grudgingly kicking the blankets off, I dragged myself to the door, stepping over clothes and shoes I'd left strewn all over the floor along the way. I knew hotel maids had seen and dealt with some weird shit, but I truly felt bad for whoever had the job of tidying up my room. Most days, I left the "Do Not Disturb" sign up just so they wouldn't have to.

I heaved the door open and predictably, Gus was standing in the hallway with his hands in the pockets of his favorite gray sweatpants.

"Oh, look who it is," I cooed mockingly, "My spouse. My darling husband."

He raised his eyebrows at me as a rebuttal, flattening his lips to hide whatever smile was poking through. "Sorry to bother you, Mrs. Monahan," he shot back, though his tone was light and playful. "Thought I'd check in since nobody's heard from you all day. Also thought you might want this." I watched him slide my phone out from one of his pockets and hand it over to me. "I charged it for you because it was dead. It's been blowing up for hours."