Guard the Heart

Kabanata 37

KABANATA 37

Blindly

"Juancho, kaya ba hindi mo ako pinakilala sa mga magulang mo dahil ayaw nila sa akin?" I've been wanting to ask that several times. Wala lang akong lakas.

"Saan papunta ang usapang 'to, Santina?" he asked sternly. "What exactly my mother told you?"

I am contemplating if I should tell him. Naghihintay siya sa sagot ko kaya napabuntonghininga na lang ako at nagyuko ng tingin.

"Ang sabi niya, hindi na raw niya kailangang takutin akong lumayo sa'yo kasi ikaw na mismo ang mang-iiwan sa akin... kapag... k-kapag sawa ka na sa a-akin," pumiyok na ako. Nagsisimula na namang mamuo ang luha ko.

His mother is right. Hindi nga ba it's all just a game, I am just a passing fancy, an easy victim because I am naïve. Iniwan na nga niya ako. Ako lang naman ang ipinagpipilitan pa ang sarili ko.

Umigting ang panga niya.

"What can you say about it?"

Natigilan ako. Nahihimigan ko ang paghahamon sa boses niya. Suminghap ako at kumuyom ang aking kamay.

"I actually don't know what to think anymore."

He licked his lip and bore his intense stare at me. Hindi ko magawang titigan siya pabalik. I am confused and hurt all at the same time.

"Titigil ka na ba?"

My lips parted slightly, walang lumalabas na salita. Tinikom ko na lang ulit ang bibig ko nang wala talagang maapuhap na salita. The loud beating of my heart is causing me the hardship to breath and think.

"Will you finally stop, Santina?"

My tears are clouding my vision already. Naguguluhan na ako sa kanya. He said his parents' opinion didn't matter and now he is asking me if I will stop? He played with my feelings too much. Does it make him happy?

Umiling ako. "H-Hindi..." I said stuttering.

Tumiim ang labi niya. The muscle in his face tense. Ang kanyang tingin ay parang nakakasugat sa aking balat.

Why is he doing this to me? And why am I letting him? Of course, I know the answer, dahil tanga ako. Nagpapakatanga ako.

"You are always free to go, Santina."

"Hindi!" I wiped the unshed tears. "I won't give up on you, Juancho. Huwag mo akong iwan. Stay with me. You said that to me at my graduation, right? Pero sabi mo kasinungalingan lang 'yon..." I swallowed the vile in my throat. "So I am telling you now, stay with me because I'm in love with you."

"Masasaktan ka lang," he said ruthlessly.

"Wala akong pakialam!"

He shook his head. He smiled, not his usual smirk and not his dangerous smirk... a sad one. His eyes are tired. Namumungay ang mga ito pilit ikinukubli sa madilim na tingin.

"Mapapagod ka rin," he said before leaving me behind.

Does he badly want to get rid of me? All this time, is he annoyed of me? But how about me? I need him. Hindi ba valid reason iyon para huwag niya akong iwan? Can he just pretend again? Because honestly, if he pretends again, maniniwala pa rin ako. Mahuhulog pa rin ako nang paulit-ulit sa kanya.

I am no longer the master of my heart. He has my heart from the very beginning. Isa lang kasi ang gusto nito, siya lang.

Umuwi ako bago ang araw ng birthday ni tatay. Hapon nang bumyahe ako. Nag-commute lang ako. Hindi ko kasi iyon dinadala kapag umuuwi. Hindi alam nila tatay na binigyan ako ng kotse ni Juancho.