It's Complicated

I'm Fine

Jay POV

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The words 'I'm Fine' or 'I'm Okay' are probably one of the most misread signals in the world. We say it all of the time, and so many people don't care enough to really read into the context of those words. 

Those words also can trick ourselves into thinking that we are things that we aren't, even if it is only for a little while. While it is easier to tell the context of these words if you speak to whom in person, the evidence is shown a very little amount of people actually pressing or noticing the changes of behavior in the person in which is beholding this answer. This answer that is really just there go to phrase when things become to much for them to deal with in a physical, mental, or healthy state.

A week had passed since the body fiasco, and I had not gone to school at all. I also hadn't been doing my usual patrols that I would do. Wu ended up taking care of all of the Ninja-ing for me. I used this time to become reflective in my past decisions of life. 

I knew that I was in no right state of mind to go to school. Everywhere that I looked, that body was glaring down at me, almost as if it was taunting me for some misdeed that I had done. I could only hold down about a half of my food.

My phone would go off promptly as soon as the last bell of the day rang, and would go off non stop until about 10 pm. This was the motion of pattern for since school had started on Monday. I wouldn't answer. It got to the point to where Wednesday I took the battery out of my phone and smashed the screen because I couldn't deal with it anymore.

That was only half of the behavior changes that I had noticed from my friends. It was also the stuff that had been going around at this house too. From 5 am to 11 pm, Lloyd would come pounding on my door every hour, at the beginning of the hour. He hadn't been going to school either, but I knew that he was talking to everyone again as of yesterday. His phone also looked basically broken, so I knew that he had the same idea as I did.

Wu had been giving me medication, probably in hopes of me actually getting some good rest and eating the proper amounts of calories that a body should consume a day. On Thursday, I had to get an IV put in by him because I passed out.  It came out on yesterday evening. Still, I wasn't really eating, but I also haven't passed out again, so I guess that we might actually be getting somewhere.

Those two word phrases that I started talking about, I have literally memorized every time that I had used them this week alone. Every time. I hadn't even talked to all of my friends, but I might as well have been through the amount of times that I had to say those 2 words this week.

I want things to be as they once were. To be somewhat normal. I want to be with Kai and Nya at their house with Lloyd, getting drunk from the lack of air. Those memories I have there are probably some of the happiest memories I have ever had, and most of my happy memories are the ones that Nya is in or somehow involved. 

I feel so empty inside. Sometimes when I say I'm fine, I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight, and say I know you're not.

Until next time my wonderful book of secrets.

-Jason Gordon Walker

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I sighed as I finished up my final sentence and closed my journal. I lifted up one of the floorboards and put it securely and safely in the slot, and then quickly put the floorboard back into its original location.

I heard Lloyd chatting with people downstairs, which meant that he was either talking to Wu or that our Friends were over, and Lloyd was speaking loud enough for me to hear so that I would come talk to him.

I grabbed my bucket and pulled on a tank top before starting to head towards my door. I should at least be down there long enough so that they see that I'm not dead.

I stopped and looked at myself in the mirror before I headed down. I looked miserable. The lack of sleep and sunshine made me look like a ghost, and you could already tell that I wasn't really eating, but hopefully they would just overlook that one small little detail.

I made my way to the bottom of the stairwell as I walked towards the Living Room. Sure enough, our friends were all there, chatting up a storm with Lloyd. None of them were aware of my presence yet.

"You can stop speaking so loud Lloyd. I'm down here now." I said as I winced at the sound of my voice.

They all stopped talking quickly and looked over to me.

"Thank god! I swear I was starting to lose my voice. I don't know how you do it Jay, but you clearly have a gift." Lloyd said as took a sip of water.

"It is called being annoying, Lloyd. Don't worry, you have different aspects of that one, even if it is not talking forever." I assured him as I leaned against the wall and folded my arms around my chest.

"Rude." Lloyd said as he frowned at me.

"You look even worse than when we last saw you." Kai said as he continued to look at me.

"It's called being sick." I said as I felt my head start to pound again.

"You weren't sick when we saw both of you." Nya whispered quietly.

I heard the others start to have their conversation again when I forcefully had to close my eyes again. When they opened, I was in the room. 

The body was creeping up on me. Chanting my name. The blood on the walls seemed to paint a whole portrait on the scene. 

I slowly kept backing away until I heard something fall over. I noticed that the group had gone silent and that they were watching me. 

"Jay?" Zane questioned as he looked at me in worry.

I couldn't see any of them. All I could see was this room. I wanted out. I wanted out now.

"Wu! Jay is having another episode!" Lloyd shouted on top of his lungs.

"Episode? What do you mean episode?" Cole asked.

When Wu entered the room, I was able to snap out of it. I saw all of their faces, and they were all full of concern. I hated it.

"Jason?" Wu asked as he slowly approached me.

"I'm out of it." I said after a minute of making sure. 

I heard Wu and Lloyd sigh in relief.

"I think that I am going to head back upstairs and lay down again." I said as I started to go towards the stairs.

"Are you sure you're okay?" They all asked.

"I'm okay. I'm fine." I said as I made my way back to my bed, which would take me to complete and utter darkness.